Sexual Healing

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 16, 2009

Despite the fact that every human medical oddity on basic cable has a spouse, from the “Half-Ton Dad” to the man with a leg coming out of his abdomen, there’s no gaurantee in life that we’re going to end up with somebody, let alone with someone who meets all of our needs, be they mental, physical, or otherwise. Missing out on an intense physical connection isn’t a sign of failure or even necessarily great loss, especially when you’ve been lucky to have any connection at all…and weigh less than 800 lbs.
–Dr. Lastname

My husband and I divorced two years ago after twenty-five years of marriage. Believe it or not, the divorce was amicable; I’ve never been truly happy in my marriage, and the second our youngest left for college, I told him I felt trapped and finally needed a chance to find myself. See, my husband was the first and only man I ever dated after a very sheltered, lonely childhood, and I’m haunted by the feeling that my life is missing something because there’s so much about life I feel like I’ve missed out on. Now that I’m on my own and have a chance to find my bliss—to be in a true, loving relationship—I wonder if my unhappiness from my husband stems from the fact that I might actually be happier with women. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s not something I ever even had the chance to consider before, and all I do know for sure is that life with my husband, especially sexually, was never really gratifying. My goal is to find someone, anyone, whom I truly connect with before it’s too late.

It’s nice if finding and making the right sexual connection gives you a greater feeling of connection to life and relationships in general, a realization of who you are, an acceptance of your place in the universe, etc., etc., whatever. That’s what certain of the early 20th century novelists were trying to argue, and maybe the whole sexual liberation movement of the 60s and 70s was driven by that hope.

In reality, however, sexual identity is just one factor in what makes human connections meaningful, and you can’t be sure that your feeling of disconnectedness is a matter of sexual identity or, in a broader sense, that it’s within your control.

If it isn’t, your goal of finding a better connection can become self-destructive, because then you believe that you’ve failed to find meaning in your life, which is worse than the pain of feeling lonely and disconnected.

So here is what no one has been telling you about the birds and the bees: no one is guaranteed a connection. Sometimes people feel disconnected because of their personalities: think Aspergers, cowboys, sea-captains, Richard Nixon.

Sometimes you never have the opportunity to find people who are on your wavelength. Life can be lonely and sometimes there’s no solution, and some solutions are worse than the problem.

It’s no coincidence that a major source of connectedness is shitty-but-intense relationships. Yes, it’s easy to feel connected if your lover is dramatic and sexual. That’s the kind of person who will ramp up the volume whenever things get boring and insist on a big fat fight so you can have a teary, sexy make-up.

You may have seen such a person on TV, on, say, Maury, or in reality, ruining the life of a friend; great sex, total misery, good for reality TV and, later, a gold mine for clinicians like me, who enjoy hearing about the drama and feeding off it without having to live it.

So your goal isn’t to connect, but to try to connect if you can, and if you can do it in a way that’s consistent with your values.

Look around for someone or something to connect with, but be warned that, if it hasn’t happened by now, it may not be meant to. You may have the wrong kind of personality; or, unless you’re careful, the connectedness you find may be bad for your health.

It’s not all bad news though; if you don’t find what you’re looking for (and I’m not saying you won’t—I don’t know you—I’m just worried by the fact that, if connection hasn’t happened after all these years, it may not happen at all), the lack of connection doesn’t make life meaningless. That notion, again, is romantic bullshit. It’s more important to have relationships that can grow over the years and that share life events and are honest, without necessarily becoming intense or sexual.

If you’ve raised children who know you love them, and shared parenting and life’s problems with a husband over many years without killing one another, you’ve accomplished two of life’s biggest achievements and made the world a better place, even if your feelings didn’t go ting-a-ling.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to protect you from making too big a deal, or too personal an issue, of your connectedness. “I’d like to find someone or something that grabs me more than what I’ve found so far, so I’ve done everything I can to give myself a better opportunity. But I also value what I’ve done—being a good, caring mother and wife—and nothing can take that away. And if I don’t find what I’m looking for, I can take pride in knowing that I’ve been brave, taken risks, and pushed myself as far as possible without losing my commitment to being a good parent, doing good work, and being a good friend.

My wife and I have been together for a long time—I don’t want to get into numbers—but it’s only been fairly recently that she’s completely lost interest in intimacy, and while I know that’s what happens with age and such, this whole change has made me feel not just frustrated, but a bit emasculated. I’m not saying that I’m as eager as I used to be, but she really seems completely turned-off by me physically at this point, doesn’t even want to be close, and even though she doesn’t seem angry at me in any other way and assures me she’s just urgeless, nothing can convince me that something isn’t wrong. Either way, the whole deal leaves me feeling irritated and patronized. My goal is to figure out a way to get my wife to respect me again.

Even if your wife doesn’t respect you—and there’s no reason to think she doesn’t—there’s nothing you can do to change her feelings except make them worse by attacking her for not having her old sex drive. At that point, you’ll certainly never get laid.

Don’t make the mistake of equating sexual attractiveness with self-worth. Obviously, that’s the way our nervous systems are wired, and the media take full advantage of that wiring to sell products (feeling attractive feels good!). Unfortunately, like most things that make you feel good, it’s not terribly good for you.

So it’s not surprising the media perpetuate another stupid notion; that a strong sex drive is a normal part of being a healthy, attractive person. Bullshit. Sex drives vary tremendously, and without notice—even for the outrageously attractive.

Some people have lots and some little; the less sex drive you have, the smarter/more logic-based your decisions about people and relationships, so obviously there are advantages both ways.

And here’s one of the saddest things: even if you find a partner whose sex drive is very compatible with yours, there’s no guarantee it will stay that way or that, if yours or hers drops off, that doctors or healthy living will fix it. If anything, it’s more like the opposite.

You’re almost guaranteed that, sooner or later, things will change for her and/or you and not at the same time. You’re fucked…and not. Really, all the books and articles on sexual therapy and the availability of sexual therapists should shout out the truth: there’s seldom a cure.

Now that you’re properly bummed, let’s get to the good part. Your sexual incompatibility is not personal and, if you can keep yourself from making it so, you can make things better.

No, you can’t expect your wife to enjoy herself the way she used to (unless you and she get lucky and her sex drive, for whatever reason, comes back) and, if your pleasure depends on hers, too bad.

If she can give you pleasure without being excited herself, however, and you have the time and a positive relationship, you should be able to negotiate yourself into some fun you both can feel good about (or at least less frustrated).

It’s not that she doesn’t value you enough to have sex, but she may value you enough to agree to compassion sex, which, while not ideal, is better than no sex at all.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a proposition that protects you both from any implication of failure. “We’ve been lucky to have a wonderful sex life and it’s happened, in part, because we both enjoy sex. But it’s also happened because we’re good friends and we like to give one another pleasure, so, even though your urges have disappeared, we may still be able to have some sexual fun. How about I do more of the shopping, so you have less to worry about, and then we can take a little time to relax in bed and I can try to give you a little pleasure to match the great sexual pleasure that you give me? I continue to find you attractive. I want to find some other way to give you pleasure. Think about what I can do to make this work for us.”