Outside The Lines

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 12, 2009

Boundary issues are always a fun topic for us at fxckfeelings.com; from those who want to get too close to those who push others too far away, people are always clashing over personal territory while assuming the other guy is violating the rules. But what if we’re wired to see our territories differently and talking about it just gets everyone more annoyed? That’s when your goal gets more interesting.
–Dr. Lastname

My next door neighbor is your typical Mrs. Kravitz…always in my business asking me personal questions. Lately, she’s taken to walking into my driveway while I am working to get more dirt. My proposed solution to remedy the uninvited driveway visits is to add on to the existing fence, cutting down the easy access. I don’t want to have a conversation about “why” I am putting up the fence, so I am just going to do it without letting her know. My only fear is that there will be some kind of future confrontation because this neighbor gets insulted at the drop of a hat. My goal is to protect my boundaries, one way or the other, without having an angry neighbor to deal with for the next 30 years.

Using a fence to block out your neighbor’s intrusive curiosity may work…unless it actually does the opposite.

After all, it may just serve to whet her appetite, and pretty soon, she’ll have you under 24 hour surveillance with Predator overflights and under-eaves webcams. You’ll look like Wile E. Coyote writing away to Acme (or the German Democratic Republic) for ever-more-advanced fencing.

In other words, your goal isn’t to stop her, but to try. If your goal is to stop someone from prying when you can’t, you’ll go nuts, and your helplessness will draw her like a magnet (and your misery will draw you to me like a magnet, trust me).

If you begin by admitting you might well be fucked, then you’ll probably try cheaper options first (unless you already have).

For example, you can always give her dumbed-down answers, or claim you can’t talk to her because you’re listening to an important message on your ipod, or provide her with an endless amount of detailed information about your lawn fertilizer and the cost of hot water before then asking to come over and bore her some more. You know people who can bore you to death, so learn from the masters.

Overcome your normal human need to give people what they ask for; that’s the nice guy reflex that cold-callers and friendly, pen-palsy Nigerian phishers rely on when they ask you questions about your money or political affiliation and assume you’re too polite not to answer.

Being a nice guy is great in some situations and dangerous in others, and it’s your job to decide when it’s right and ethical to stonewall someone’s need to know. No, you don’t want to wait until you’re angry because anger, once expressed, bonds you more tightly to someone you want to have nothing to do with. Act before you get angry and before you show how you feel.

The better reason for refusing to respond is that you perceive yourself targeted with a, one-sided need that it’s not your responsibility to meet. Then give yourself permission to refuse it.

Good fences might make good neighbors, but when your neighbor’s crazy to begin with, there’s no fence in the world that can make that neighbor be anything but sucky.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that expresses your ethical rationale for doing what others might perceive as hurtful rejection. “I like to make people feel comfortable and listened-to, but I recognize that some approach me with one-sided needs that I have a right not to meet. I don’t wish to humiliate or show disrespect. They may not realize what they’re doing. If they can’t stop themselves from intruding on me, however, I will do what I can to stop them.”

My father was your classic gruff, no-hugs, distant daddy. He never wanted girls, but he got three of them, and seemed to resent the shit out of us for it. I was really angry at him for most of my adulthood because of it, but now that he’s in his 80s and not all there, I know I should make peace with him before he goes. The problem is that I’m reminded of him by all the other men in my life. My ex-husband ended our marriage because he thought I was too distant, and I’ve lost other relationships since then for being too “cold.” My goal is to forgive my father, but I don’t know how when, even now that his brain’s going, his legacy continues to ruin all of my relationships.

As I’ve said before, it would be nice if you could have a good cry with a therapist about unrequited love for a distant dad, then receive a “It’s not my fault” hug, and, in the end, go forth prepared to love and be loved, totally cured.

That goal may be worth a trial of therapy, but usually things don’t work that way; that scenario is such fantastical bullshit it evidently deserved an Oscar.

Whether it’s genetics or the impact of childhood, the result is always the same. If you’re hot, you’re hot, and if you’re not, you’re not. Trying to change yourself when it’s impossible makes you a self-centered, impoverished, therapy-dependent gal who doesn’t expect to begin her life until she can change her personality.

So don’t try to warm your cold, cold heart (or your father’s) if you’ve tried and it hasn’t worked. Your goal is not to change, but to manage the iceberg you have so you can act like a decent person, even if you don’t feel like it. Succeed where daddy probably didn’t even try.

Parenthetically, in some situations, cold hearts may help people survive or make better decisions, so they may sometimes be an advantage. Warm hearts can cause just as much trouble if they’re unmanaged, so join the Cold Hearts of America and learn cold-hearted pride.

Or, if you can’t find a nearby chapter, ask yourself whether and when your cold-heartedness makes you act like a jerk (your friends will tell you if you can’t figure it out for yourself). The point of the exercise is not to please your friends, but to provide yourself with behavioral measures for acting decently.

It’s up to you to decide which measures to adopt. Don’t count on your heart to be your guide, figure out how you should act and then try to do it, and I promise, a funny thing will happen.

The more you push yourself to limit your snits and sulks, stay in contact, pull yourself out of your cave, and keep your angry and injured feelings to yourself, the more sympathy you will have for your father.

You may realize that, lacking your perspective, your father could never see what a cold-hearted jerk he was being. On the other hand, the advantage of your perspective obliges you to endure pain and take on a task that he never considered.

Just don’t bother laying the blame for that pain at your father’s feet. From that aforementioned sympathy will come compassion, which is as close to forgiveness as you’re going to get.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to protect yourself from unrealistic criticism. “I believe in being a good friend, partner and parent and regret the fact that my instincts often work against me. I won’t let that keep me from trying. I’ll develop my own standards and try to meet them. And, instead of being ashamed of myself for having a cold heart, I’ll be proud of doing my best with the rational, Vulcan mind that I have.”