Guided By Voices

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 19, 2009

The old saying is, “opinions are like assholes– everybody’s got one.” The sentiment here at fxckfeelings.com is more along the lines of, “assholes make up a lot of the population,” so you need to deal with other people’s unsolicited input without letting it grind you down. Many opinions are ignorable and interchangable, like many of the assholes in the universe. Other opinions, however, are worth considering, because not everyone is an asshole, and you might have something you need to learn.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve always gotten some attitude at work because I’m a woman (some people seem to act like that’s the only reason I’ve gotten as far as I have), but recently, due to the economy, I’ve been dealing with a lot more disrespect. Frankly, the opposite should be true, and I should be getting loads of appreciation for doing twice the work I used to after so many lay-offs. Instead, people think that it’s not fair that I get to keep my job, and while the sexist stuff was annoying, this recent turn of events has made things almost unbearable. I’m sick of not being appreciated for my talent and hard work and instead having to deal with everyone’s bullshit and bitterness instead. My goal is to get treated appropriately for a job well done, simple as that.

While appreciation certainly makes the job easier—it makes most things in life easier—it doesn’t cut it as a goal, if only because need for appreciation makes you easy prey to anyone who gives you lots of appreciation, twice as much work, and no more pay. I can’t abide your goal to be a sucker.

Appreciation also makes you reactive to other people’s feelings, instead of to your own reasons for being there, so don’t quit a job because everyone at work is critical, and don’t stay because they tell you you’re marvelous.

Remember what you’re working for: money, not love. Unless you’re a bad prostitute.

So life is hard, you don’t have a trust fund, and you need money for survival, independence, self-reliance, and the support of others who depend on you. If appreciation was your first priority, you’d be a volunteer or superhero.

Your goal then is to make as good a living as you can while conserving enough time and energy for the rest of your life, particularly your other responsibilities. It’s to contribute an honest day’s work and, if possible, do something meaningful, and if the peanut gallery doesn’t like it, fuck ’em.

If you find yourself in a demeaning, bullshit job that you nevertheless think is necessary and better than anything else you can find, respect yourself for doing it. Do it up to your standards, not theirs.

It’s never easy to ignore torment, but think of the nerdy kid teased by Neanderthals; whether he ignores them or fights back, he’s screwed either way. At least you get a paycheck and far fewer wedgies.

STATEMENT:
If you decide the job is necessary and the pain unavoidable, write yourself a statement to protect yourself from the disrespect that is part of the job’s sewage content. “I have my own good reasons for doing this job, in spite of the shitty way I’m treated. It’s a demeaning way to make a living, but I can’t find anything better, though I’ll keep on looking. So I respect myself for working and I will keep up my standards while looking for alternatives.

Ever since my mother died, I’ve been feeling pretty low, and now my wife says I’ve been really hard to be around and wants me to talk to a professional about my grief (I’m writing you instead). It’s true that my mother and I were very close, and losing her has been very, very hard for me, but I think my wife is overreacting. I’m going through a hard time, sure, and maybe I’ve been a little over-reactive, but this is how grief works, and if she can’t handle it, it seems like her problem, not mine. I’ve got a short fuse now, but this’ll pass sooner than later, and I don’t need a doctor to tell me that. My goal is get my wife to realize that I don’t have a problem.

The question here isn’t whether her bad feelings are an over-reaction to your grief; if that were the question, we’ve have to do instant replays of your conversation, listen to your tone of voice, then do a poll of the audience.

In the end, one of you would feel validated and the other would go looking for a more sympathetic friend. A consolation prize of turtle wax might be involved.

People often see couples therapy for that kind of refereeing and, as I’ve said many times, it’s usually a waste of time. The question here isn’t whether she thinks you’ve been mean, but what you think after you’ve examined the evidence.

Of course, when you’re irritated by her being irritating, it’s even more irritating to be told you need to see a shrink. Then, if you dismiss her feelings, she’ll feel worse while having more reason to believe she’s right, and so it goes, back and forth.

Stop it, shut up, and think. Step back from the irritation, then, and be business-like. Gather your own data, re-examine what you said to her and ask people you trust whether you’ve been nasty or mean lately.

Remember, anger is one of the most common and crippling symptoms of depression, and it can destroy relationships at the time you need them the most, making you more depressed. Depressive anger is yet another example of how frequently nature kicks you when you’re down, and how careful you must be to manage yourself during a time of crisis. If you do what comes naturally, your problems almost always multiply.

If you decide that grief is making you nasty and depressed and is driving people away, then your goal isn’t to find a more understanding wife or become a hermit, but to improve your self control and get back to being a guy you can respect.

You can’t get your mother back, but you could lose your wife if you aren’t careful. By the way, self-control hurts, and in the short run, it hurts far more than venting. But that’s the way it is, because in the long run, it hurts less than losing your wife.

If you can’t get enough self-control, or if you can but it’s hurting too much, therapy can help. Not by making you feel better understood (if that’s what you want, you’re heading for trouble), but by helping you improve your self-control while respecting the fact that it’s hard when you’re hurting. It will also help your marriage, and give you a whole new level of appreciation for advice like ours.

STATEMENT:
Write a statement to un-justify nastiness as an expression of grief and remind yourself of better goals. “It hurts to want comfort more than I’ve ever wanted it before and feel that I can’t get enough from those who are closest to me. But I didn’t choose my wife because she’s the warmest bosom in the world and, even if she is, I’m not sure any amount of comfort would be enough. I’ve got to manage my grief with whatever comfort is there, not expect more, and not act like a jerk. Later on, if I decide I need more comfort, I’ll try to find it without damaging what I’ve got and what I value.”