Evil Dumb

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 8, 2009

It’s easy, when someone can’t control their behavior, to assume that they are evil, stubborn, or somehow defective and that you’ve got to get through to them, one way or another (not so nice) way. Just because someone can’t behave, however, doesn’t mean s/he’s evil and/or totally resistant to your values; and just because you’re getting nowhere with them doesn’t mean they won’t get it together eventually. It’s easy to write someone off, and it’s easy to be written off, but if you’re hoping to work through a problem instead of just blame someone for it, the only thing incurably defective in these scenarios is the moralizing.
–Dr. Lastname

My older daughter just turned 10, and I’m fairly certain that she is pure evil. My wife and I are not bad people—no family history of mental illness, either—but our older daughter, who looks like a normal little girl, says such nasty things to her little sister that it would make your head spin. Our younger daughter, who’s 7, thinks her sister is a miserable terror, and I have to say, I agree with her; the stuff that comes out of our 10-year-old’s mouth is so cruel, I’m almost in awe of it. My wife and I have sat her down and asked her if she acknowledges how awful her words are, how much it hurts her little sister, and how serious we are about how much she needs to change her attitude. Since then, our older has been less mouthy with us, but just as terrible to her little sister, and we have no idea how to make it stop. My goal is to stop my older daughter from being so mean—that is, if she’s not just satanic and hopeless. I’d really like to get her to understand what she’s doing and why she needs to stop (if I can get that through her evil mind).

As those Spanish Inquisition cardinals learned while swishing around in their gorgeous red gowns, any effort to stamp out the devil gives him a giant energy boost and brings him (or her) to dramatic life.

This is because most of us—even the best of us, like David Letterman—have some devilish impulses that bust out when we’re tired, or rubbed the wrong way, and generally when our control is far from perfect.

So when someone tries to eradicate our wickedness, we may initially agree with their goals. Sooner or later, however, when our impulses don’t cooperate by disappearing, self-hate and shame get stronger and, yes, you guessed it, feed the nasty impulses, whatever they are. The cardinals get to meet the very devil they were trying to exorcise, and the devil’s poor host snarls back and throws up pea soup. A classic vicious circle.

So your goal isn’t to stop your daughter’s evil behavior, but to help her manage it by providing advice, incentives and acceptance for the person who isn’t always able to control her nastiness. Yes, being mean is wrong, but assume there’s a part of her that doesn’t like her behavior, either, and that tries to control it. (Even if you’re wrong, it’s a good assumption to begin with).

You haven’t mentioned trouble at school, so I’ll assume she’s doing a good job of controlling herself there, and you should give her credit. It’s probably better for her to control these impulses in school than at home, because bad behavior at school will cause much more trouble.

Telling her she needs to take more responsibility for controlling herself is the modern way of telling her she’s sinning against Christ, so don’t use that stupid r-word. Of course she’s responsible, but telling someone they’re responsible when their feelings have swept them away isn’t likely to strengthen their self-control. If anything, it’s more apt to make them feel helpless and self-hating and undermine their control.

Instead, assume she’s responsible but doesn’t yet have the strength to control herself, and it’s your job to help her get stronger. Give her disincentives, like time-outs or lost points. Give her structure, like scheduled activities.

Don’t present your procedures as punishments or babying, but as respectful attempts to help her keep her negative impulses at bay. After all, you’ve probably got a temper (as do the best of us, especially David Letterman), and it’s not always under control.

So don’t look at your child as the devil you don’t know, but the devil you know all too well—a chip off the ol’ evil block—and let her know even if she’s being bad, she’s not alone, and you’re there to help, not call a priest.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that offers tough controls in a positive package. “You’re a great kid and you’re doing well in many, many ways. But you get too negative with your sister, and by that I include saying sarcastic and critical things, so we’re going to help you. If you start doing it, we’ll ask you to stop. Then, if that doesn’t work, we’ll insist that you go to your room and do something pleasant until you think your control is stronger. And, if that doesn’t work, you may lose something you like, like TV time, until you get yourself back together and do some work to make up for your behavior. I know you’ve got negative feelings for your sister and it doesn’t surprise me that, in spite of talking about them, they’re still there and they still hurt. That’s why life is hard. Those feelings will eventually get better but, in the meantime, you’ve got to learn to live with them without letting them out. And that’s what we’re trying to help you do. It won’t make you happy, but that’s not our fault. Life is hard. It isn’t any easier for us. So you’ve got to learn to do what we do: shut up and try to act decent.

I am what my father would call a terminal fuck-up. Basically, I know that drinking is a bad idea, because when I get fucked up, I tend to do dumb shit, like steal, get into fights, and hook up with random guys. I’m on meds for bi-polar disorder, which my doctor tells me should help me be less impulsive, but he also tells me that I can’t drink and take meds, and I can’t not drink, so meds don’t really help. I don’t mean to be so stupid, and sometimes, when everything’s mellow and I can focus, I can really keep my shit together and be normal and think. Most of the time though, I just can’t help myself, and I’ve started to get a long arrest record, which makes my dad want me to go to rehab again, but I think AA is culty bullshit that never works, anyway. So if pills don’t help, and rehab doesn’t help, is there any straight-up advice you can give me to be less of an idiot? I wanna fuck-up less.

Ouch, you’re in a tough spot. Simply put, life is hard and it’s starting to knock the crap out of you. It’s not fair, you don’t deserve it, but unless you find the strength to get yourself together, you’ll find the shit-pile getting deeper and deeper and your capacity for fuck up-ery never ending.

I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, and I do think you’ve learned your lesson. But you know that the part of you that wants to party and drink is stronger than the part of you that knows you can’t afford to, and that’s the way it is.

Obviously, no one can give you the strength you need to control yourself. If all you needed was a lesson, you would have benefited from one of the many you’ve already received. In your case, lessons don’t work, nor does punishment. You want to fuck up less, but when given the option of rehab, your inner fuck-up says “no, no, no.”

Here’s the only practical advice I know of to help you get stronger, over the long run—try to keep after what you really value, even if you can’t have it at the present time. Try to be decent and independent. Try to take care of your illness. Try to get sober. And when you slip, don’t give yourself a hard time. It doesn’t help.

Try to figure out how much harm you’ve done yourself and, if the harm was bad, think about what you might do differently next time. Be shameless, so you can talk about your efforts with others, maybe even in rehab or AA one day if the planets finally align.

And even if you never go to rehab, think of this as your first appearance at Fuck ups Anonymous; you’re a fuck-up, you’re fucked, and you need to take it one day at a time. That’s the way it is. Be proud of your efforts to control it, and thanks for sharing.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to keep yourself on track. “I’ve got a couple genetic traits that push me into chaos and self-destruction and, so far, I haven’t found the strength to control myself. I hate what I do to myself and others but I can’t stop it. But I won’t stop trying to stop and I respect myself for that. I’ll welcome helpful ideas and I’ll look for ex-fuck-ups who’ve found the strength to control themselves. And maybe, someday, I’ll get there.”