The Giving Screed

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 5, 2009

While being selfless seems like an admirable quality in the abstract, most of us learn early that people with a thing for giving aren’t actually so easy to be around; it’s hard to have an even give-and-take with somebody who doesn’t fulfill the “take” part of the bargain. Selflessness maybe feel good in the short term, but the more you extend yourself while shutting out (or being shut out by) the other party, the more likely you are to end up with only yourself as company.
–Dr. Lastname

I love my girlfriend, and we’ve gone through a lot together; not just living in different cities (which I’ll get to), but also serious health problems. I was there for her for every second of her treatment for cancer, an ordeal that lasted for one scary year, before she went into remission. While we were living together at that point, it wasn’t long after she was in the clear that my father asked me if I could move back to my home city to help him at work—he wanted some help expanding the family business—so I told my girlfriend it would be six months, max, and then I’d move back in with her. But six months have passed, and my dad says the business won’t work without me (although, admittedly, it has in the past), and I don’t think it would be fair to keep stringing my girlfriend along. I love her, but I’m needed here, and I also don’t want to hurt her and be responsible for a relapse. My goal is to break up with my girlfriend and get her to understand it’s the best thing to do.

Some people are born givers; they enjoy giving and, if they don’t think about it, their giving impulses push them closer to whomever needs them most. You might think such selfless givers were saints, regular Ghandi-jis or Mary Poppinses.

In reality—and while most people are loath to admit it—most selfless givers are assholes to everyone but the one who makes them feel most obligated. (Just ask Ghandi’s wife.)

So, my giving friend, I’m going to tell you the same thing I’d advise your ex-girlfriend to say to you: that your goal shouldn’t be to feel better about excusing yourself from your obligation to your girlfriend, but to figure out your own priorities, regardless of your obligations to her, your father, or anyone else.

See, the problem with compulsive givers is that they’re there when you need them desperately, ready to serve. You page them 911 and they’re on the scene in a jiffy, ready to save the day.

On the other hand, when you don’t need them as much and you’re looking forward to a more equal, pleasant, give-and-take relationship with someone who has proven their reliability and devotion as a friend in need, suddenly they see the bat signal, declare themselves summoned to a new emergency, and off they go.

That’s the harm that compulsive givers can do; they break the hearts of those they help. Look at your ex-girlfriend, who thought she’d found a loving partner who would be a solid rock for life and discovered, instead, that her strength and recovery had dissolved the bonds between you.

The biggest harm, sadly, is what you do to yourself. In the short-run, your girlfriend will be heartbroken and then move on. Without a set of priorities other than helping those who need you most, however, you’ll never find your own direction in life and will always wonder why your selflessness leaves so many of your close friends angry and disappointed in spite of all you’ve done for them.

In terms of this break-up, I have wiser words for your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend than I do for you; he’s just not that into you (when you don’t have cancer). Find someone new, and look for a guy outside the sainthood.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement for your girlfriend to give you, if she can get past her hurt. “We had a good relationship, enjoyed one another, worked well together, and had the foundation for a good partnership. I believe we loved one another. But if you left our relationship because, as you said, you felt obligated to put your father’s needs first, and not because of the usual doubts about whether you wanted to spend your life with me, then I think you’re not ready for a partnership and it’s a good thing I know now rather than later. If you changed your mind, I would be tempted to take you back, because I miss you. But it would be foolish unless you’d decided that a partnership is your first priority and could show me that you were strong enough to say “no” to your helping impulses.”

I had what was, by all accounts, a perfect marriage; great kids and twelve years with a wife who I really considered to be my best friend. My work is seasonal, so when I’m busy, I’m really busy, but when I’m not, I make sure to give her and the kids plenty of my attention, and we have lots of fun together. And then a few months ago, out of nowhere, she tells me that she’s really unhappy—that I’ve been a bad husband, that she feels trapped, and that she has strong feelings for a guy at work and doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. I was blown away then, and I still am now, and I still haven’t figured out what to do. I love this woman and I don’t want her to leave, so please tell me what I can do to win her back, what I could have done wrong and what I could do to make it right. My goal is to save my marriage.

The funny thing about perfect marriages, and the one major flaw in your story, is that perfect marriages don’t implode for no reason.

So let’s take a moment to review the facts of the case, and, just so we can remove some of the emotional charge, let’s pretend this relationship isn’t a marriage, but a business partnership (what is a marriage but the business of making a family, anyway).

So, if were talking instead about a trusted business partner who, after 12 years, embezzled some joint assets and then blamed you for mistreating her, you would never ask yourself what you’d done wrong; you’d ask yourself how you’d misjudged someone whose character had more wrinkles, dips and holes than you’d realized.

You’d also look back for red flags that you might have missed, like her having a lack of old friendships or a host of old resentments, that might indicate that your partner had undergone similar flip-flops in the past, blaming them of course on the other person.

Maybe you’d wonder if you were at fault, but then you’d tell yourself that if you did something wrong, your partner, were she acting responsibly, would have told you and given you a chance to improve before labeling you a jerk and broken your agreement. That your partner said nothing shows that the problems in your partnership have a lot more to do with her than you. That’s the good news.

The bad news is, if the problem is one of her character, there’s not much you can do; you can’t expect her to get better unless she sees her part of the problem and wants to change, which is not what you’re saying. What you’re saying is, you’re fucked.

Your goal then would not be to recreate what seemed like the ideal partnership, but to see, after the intense feeling had passed, whether your partner could accept responsibility for her actions and whether, for her own sake and not to please you, she wanted to change.

Otherwise, you’ve got a partner you can’t trust and will never be able to trust, no matter how much you love her, respect her abilities, or cherish those loving feelings you used to have.

Right now, your response is all feeling, all “what did I do wrong,” because you don’t have the balls to accept that you probably didn’t do anything wrong, and that you’ve lost a partnership that you never really had. If your goal is to get her back, it’s doomed, because you can’t get back what you probably never “had” in the first place, and, meanwhile, you’re making yourself a slave and fool to love.

You’ve got a responsibility to yourself, when someone attacks your character, to decide for yourself whether you’ve done something wrong and then make it right if you can. If you bypass that decision and assume that the other person’s criticism is right, just because you love them and they’re family, you’ve stopped thinking for yourself and you’re no longer a free and independent person.

Freedom doesn’t mean packing a gun and joining a militia; it means bearing painful criticism and the heartache of losing your love and still thinking for yourself. So don’t try to get back what you think you had, but instead, accept your dis-union as it is and figure out what will work best for the children. Keep your feelings to yourself.

Be a strong father and do what’s right within your current partnership. In the long run, that will leave you with the best feelings and no regrets for your own actions, other than the mistake of having chosen the wrong partner.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement that can create a boundary between you and your wife without adding to your conflict. “I love you and would do anything to make you happy. I’ve thought hard about your complaints, which are new to me, and I will attend to them. But I must also tell you that I perceive a rejection in your actions that is beyond my control and that I don’t hold myself responsible for. Even after I attend to your criticisms, I doubt that your negative feelings about me will change unless you decide, for your own reasons, that our partnership is worthwhile and that it’s important for you to act more positively and with greater restraint. If you don’t come to that conclusion, I believe we cannot regain a full partnership, regardless of what I do, and that we’ll need to make plans accordingly.”