Relative Injustice

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 28, 2009

From having your sister falsely accuse you of stealing her doll to being landed with a deadbeat dad, most people learn early that family is rarely fair. Still, be you the familial accuser or accusee, there’s usually a great risk to speaking your mind; family bonds, unlike bridges, can never be completely burned, so unless you want to be forever tied to someone you’ve tried to set on fire, it’s better to shut up about injustice and accept the relatives you’ve got.
–Dr. Lastname

My mother has always been quick to take offense—hear things the wrong way, feel easily hurt, want an apology—and I’ve always been the one to smooth things out and reassure her and, if necessary, tell her I’m sorry. Recently, she got really angry when she heard me talking to a family friend at a party and thought that I was being critical and complaining about her. I told her that was absurd, I didn’t mean things that way and that the family friend didn’t hear it that way. Besides, it’s not the sort of thing I’d say about anyone. But my mom acted like I didn’t realize how mean I’d been. So I spoke to the family friend, who agreed with me, and I asked her to talk to my mom and let her know she hadn’t heard any criticism either, but my mom says she’s just trying to smooth things over. I know this is just how my mom is, but that doesn’t mean that it ever stops making me crazy, and everything about this latest stunt is totally unreasonable. My goal is to get her to see she’s being a nut and get over it.

Freud famously put a lot of emphasis on mothers, and most people assume that “tell me about your mother?” is the first question a psychiatrist asks a patient. My response to that, however, is that I don’t really care about your mother. And even if your mother was my patient, I wouldn’t be able to make her “better.”

You think, if only you could get your mom to stop being a nut, your problems would be over. And hey, if only I could find a way of turning dog turds into solid gold, I’d never have to work again. Alas, turds are turds, and your dreams haven’t come true for many years. Assume they won’t come true now.

That said, it’s time to consider what it means to you to have a mother who periodically threatens to, essentially, break up with you. At least, let’s assume, for the sake of our discussion, that it’s that bad, and that her injury and mistrust are so deep that she and you believe the relationship will go into the deep freeze if you can’t get her to see the light.

Ask yourself, what’s the best thing a person can do when they’re threatened with the loss of that much love. Your wish, of course, is to patch things up if you can—it’s painful to be orphaned—but trying too hard to hang onto anyone whose demons periodically require you to jump through hoops isn’t good for you. It tends to stunt your growth, put you on the defensive, and make you a slave to fear.

I know, it’s no fun to be a motherless child, but the opposite, in extreme cases, is to become a victim of abuse, and that’s far worse. Be aware then that you may be walking a fine line between two lousy alternatives, and the one that grabs your feelings the most, easing your mother’s hurt so you can avoid losing her love, may be worse in the long run.

So your goal isn’t to make her better and smooth out your relationship; no amount of groveling and witness testimony is going to make things right, so give it a rest.

Your goal is to make things better to the extent your power allows, and do so without accepting a relationship dominated by fear. If fear remains the status quo, your goal is to build a wall and bear the pain. Don’t avoid future social events, but don’t let your next celebration be a pity party.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that balances your desire for a good relationship with your responsibility to protect yourself from abuse. “I care about you, hate to see you upset, and would never want to say anything to hurt you. I’ve examined what I said and asked others to provide me with their impressions. In the end, I’m confident I was not trying to hurt you and that you can be assured that your negative impression of my words is not true. I hope we can put this behind us now. It’s never good to dwell on these things after we’ve done our best to deal with them. “

In the past few years, I’ve become pretty close with my sister’s husband (we play basketball together sometimes or have beers, that kind of close). Anyway, I like the guy, but I’m 99% sure he’s cheating on my sister, don’t ask me how. I could easily be 100% sure, but then I’d have to tell my sister, wouldn’t I? Or would I have to talk to him about it and see if I can get him to stop, or make him admit everything to my sister himself? Because right now, the two of them seem really happy together, and they have two great kids, and I don’t want a divorce to fuck all that up. My goal is to do right by my family.

This is the sort of soap-opera situation where your protective feelings for your sister and her kids might well push you to confront her husband, but ask yourself what good that would do. Because, unlike what you see on TV, you do not have the luxury of cutting to commercial after the big reveal.

Sure, it will relieve the pressure of your angry feelings for a few minutes, that’s true; but you know what we think of feelings, and this is a good case in point. A confrontation will focus on what’s most negative about his behavior and make it harder for everyone, particularly him and your sister, to consider what is best for them.

The plot goes like this: you’ll label him a betrayer, he’ll find fault with your sister, they’ll both feel like shit and find shit in their relationship, and their ability to remember what’s good about their relationship and what they might want to salvage will get lost.

If you really want to be a good friend to your sister or her husband, be a friend of their marriage. If possible, remember what you like about him and, if the opportunity comes along, let him know that you know that marriage can be tough, but that having affairs usually does more harm than good.

If anything, your problem is a perfect example of my old adage that bottling up feelings never hurt anyone, but unbottling them has caused a world of pain. If you keep your mouth shut (except for the aforementioned occasional advice), you give yourself a chance to think, choose your opportunity, and say something constructive.

If you become a warrior for justice and gain relief by getting everything out in the open, you will probably bring out the worst in everyone, and maybe get yourself a black eye. So put this melodramatic subplot on hold and suck up the pain.

STATEMENT:
Draft a statement that expresses support for your sister and brother-in-law while avoiding anger and blame (regardless of how you really feel). “I care about you and your marriage and believe you’ve done a very good job and are good people. Under pressure, people sometimes do things that cause more harm than good. I’m not interested in who’s to blame. I want you both to do what’s best for you and your family. Don’t burn your bridges, cause pain, and compromise your integrity. Take your time and, if you want to end your marriage, do it right.