Restraining Disorder

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 21, 2009

In difficult situations with difficult people, we’re often tempted to turn to the law for help, hoping that the authority of police or the court can set things right and not asking ourselves what is really likely to happen next. In many cases, if you’re dealing with raw feeling, going to the cops or court brings in a whole new wave of complications and misery. So, as we always say, when cornered by a crazy person, act as you would if under attack from any wild animal; lie low, play dead, and just hope it loses interest and goes away.
–Dr. Lastname

I dated this guy years ago—only for a few months, nothing really serious because he seemed kind of weird even then—and he’s been harassing me ever since. Six months after I broke up with him, he wrote me a bunch of emails and left a ton of voicemails saying he wanted to know what he did wrong, that we should be together, and I did talk to him once just to tell him I was sorry but it was over and he should move on. He told me once that he was bipolar and I was sorry for him—he had seemed very normal then and I thought maybe his family didn’t like his eccentricities, which I thought were charming—but his messages seemed intense, illogical, and angry, and I started to worry. Then, six months after that, another bunch of emails and messages, this time more menacing, so I told him resolutely never to talk to me again. Just recently he started again, but this time the messages were actually scary—he threatened to kill me if we couldn’t be together. He said he felt broken inside and that he wanted me to feel the same way so that I’d understand him and then we could be friends again. Basically, I want to know if I need to get a restraining order against this guy—I’m really scared, and if anyone ever deserved police protection, it’s me. On the other hand, if he’s dangerous, maybe he needs to be put into a hospital and that’s something the police should be able to do. My goal is for the police to do something to protect me and, I hope, him.

In a fair and reasonable world, it would be easy for the police to lock up people who become temporarily dangerous because of mental illness, and doctors would be able to cure them. Unfortunately—naturally—that’s not the world we live in.

Unless someone is overtly dangerous in a way that is immediate and unequivocal—they’ve recently written threatening letters, or said something scary to a reliable witness, or can be expected to act aggressively when interviewed by the police or an emergency room clinician—they’re not going to get hospitalized. That’s the way our laws work for involuntary hospitalization.

These laws seem to do more to protect the accused than the alleged victims in that they protect the individual’s right not to get locked up for being different. In reality, they’re often worse for the mentally ill people they’re intended to protect, because they prevent them from getting treated for an illness that is killing their brain cells and ruining their lives.

Even when someone is a raging lunatic (to use medical terminology) and gets committed to a hospital, what usually happens is that they’re released as soon as they calm down and no longer look threatening, even though there’s no guarantee they’ll keep taking the meds that are calming them, or follow through with any treatment (and treatment isn’t guaranteed to work).

So there’s an unavoidable risk to you, and him, which is greater than you would want, and it’s not something the police or courts or doctors can do much about. Court orders work well against rational bullies, but nothing works reliably against craziness.

Indeed, crazy means that someone does the opposite of what’s good for them. The police say, “don’t put your hand in your pocket” and the crazy person reaches for it. Same goes with restraining orders.

So, if you really think he’s crazy, your goal is not to oppose him openly or, indeed, to come to his attention any more than necessary. It’s to do what you can to stay off his radar and out of his sight so as to reduce the chance that you (and he) will be harmed by crazy behavior.

Send him an email response saying you’ve temporarily stopped your email and will respond when you return, or that you are busy at work but will get back to him when things are less hectic. That you’ll never return or find a break in work is not something he needs to know.

If you can work behind the scenes to get the police involved, and if his aggressiveness is out in the open, you may be able to arrange a stealth commitment that does not have your name on it. Otherwise, and in any case, as with any natural disaster, stay cool, lay low, and be patient until the storm passes.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to protect yourself from fear, helplessness, and the temptation to do something desperate that could make things worse. “I can’t count on being able to reason with the rational person I once knew and cared about and stop this craziness. The craziness has taken over his personality and protecting us from crazy behavior is my first priority. I’ll do everything I can to avoid him and not communicate with him, now and indefinitely (because he could always relapse). I’ll try to help only if the potential good outweighs the risk, and not because I feel desperate. I have a right to feel scared, but I must have the courage to accept and endure my fear so that it doesn’t control my decisions.”

I got divorced from my wife ten years ago, and soon after, she moved to another state to be closer to her parents. Despite her anger, we worked out a custody agreement that allowed me some time with our two sons, and our oldest has been very good at seeing me without making her angry, and now that he’s in college, it’s not much of an issue. Our younger son, on the other hand, is much more sensitive to her anger. He’s still in high school, so he’s still a minor, and she uses that fact to limit visitation, while she also makes him nervous about communicating with me. From what I can gather, her basic message to him is that if he sees or talks to me, she’ll be upset. I call him frequently and pay close attention to his achievements at school and on the playing field, but he seldom answers and always seems happier to avoid me. My goal is to get through to him and be a father to him. Love should win out. I’ve been thinking of getting a court to mandate therapy.

Unfortunately, sometimes fear wins over love, and trying to force another outcome is most likely to generate more fear and cause more harm. You can’t force love, but you can create fear quite easily. Just ask your ex-wife.

Your main worry now is that your son is overly reactive to his fear of upsetting his mother, and that’s not healthy for him. It also causes you much pain and anger, but that’s not the point.

Parents, as King Solomon taught us, must always be prepared to suffer: it’s what defines a parent the most, the willingness to suffer, if, by doing so, it will help your child.. So if your actions increase pressure on your son, they may make him more frightened, which will drive him closer to your ex-wife and to his bad habit of over-reacting to her. No one wins.

Go to court and seek therapy only if you think there’s a good chance it will work, but don’t automatically assume that therapy will be helpful, as much as we all wish it would be. Under these circumstances, it often doesn’t work and may increase your son’s sense of being pressured and intruded upon, so don’t go to court because you’re desperate.

And now, having accepted the degree to which you’re fucked by your son’s fears and your wife’s intensity (remember, you’re the one who married her), focus on making the best of things. Which means taking pressure off your son while encouraging him to consider what’s best for him.

Of course, in the short run, he may well feel it’s best to avoid doing anything that will upset his mother: he has to live with her. What you can suggest to him, however, is that being too concerned with anyone else’s feelings is not, in the long run, a good thing.

You would hope that no kid of yours would be too concerned about your feelings, because what you want is a young man who has the strength to think independently and set his own priorities. If he remains too sensitive to the feelings of others, other people will take advantage of him and he’ll be too reactive to develop his own personality.

So don’t push your son into loving you, just make it clear you support his efforts to be his own man, regardless of what parent he’s living with.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement for him that reflects, not your anger and helplessness, but your effort to give him tools for making up his own mind. “I can well understand that you’re not comfortable visiting with me and there’s nothing wrong with that. I appreciate your wish to live harmoniously with your mother. You’re growing up very well under her excellent care. I am writing to suggest that, sooner or later, you’ll grow more if you have the benefit of a broader living experience and that I, as your father, can provide you with a secure second home and male parenting that will complement what you’ve received from your mother. Not better or worse, or easier or harder, but different in a way that will give you a broader base to stand on. My feelings won’t be hurt if you don’t take me up on this offer because I know you have feelings for staying where you are. At the same time, I hope you will feel free to ignore the impact your actions will have on my or your mother’s feelings so that you can concentrate more on what you think will be best for you.”