Home Sweet Home

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 3, 2009

Families share more than last names and lactose intolerance—they also share feelings and physical space. So whether you’re divvying up your attention among parents, or rooms among siblings, or a wheel of brie among brothers, do so with care and caution.
–Dr. Lastname

Growing up, my mother and I were very close (dad left, I was her only son). Sure, she would sometimes get very intense about relationships—she gets focused on being close with whoever she really cares about—but I thought, no matter who else was in the picture, we had a strong bond. Now that I’ve started living independently in a nearby city, I expected her to be happy when I come home and to understand that I need to see my friends as well as spend time with her. Hell, I look forward to spending time with her. But the last time I visited home, which was practically the first time since I graduated and moved away, she got badly bent out of shape and I can’t figure out what I did wrong. I didn’t lie around and do nothing or get things dirty and not clean up. I spent some time with her, was considerate. So I was shocked when she told me she was very offended and I shouldn’t visit again unless I was really interested in sharing time with her. My goal is to figure out what went wrong and straighten things out. I love her, but I can’t let her control my life whenever I’m home.

It would be nice if you were an idiot who needed nothing more than a good etiquette coach to straighten out your behavior and mend your strong bond with mama, because then you’d be welcome in your (former) old Kentucky home.

And it would be nice if your mother was having a sudden acute attack of depression complicated by outright and totally uncharacteristic bitchiness which could be expected to disappear once she got treatment and/or lucky. The good news, however, is that you’re probably not an idiot and she’s probably not depressed.

And, if that’s true, then the sad news is that she’s probably got a problem with her character that neither one of you is going to change, and her home will never be yours. So it’s true, you can never go home again, especially when it was never your home in the first place.

It’s nothing personal. I’m sure, once you look back over her friendships, you’ll find that she doesn’t share relationships well and never has; it’s either all or nothing, and she has a trail of tears consisting of former friends who turned out to be disappointing, dating back to nursery school. If you can get their numbers, you can start a support group.

If you don’t accept this sad state of affairs, you’ll keep looking for the fault in yourself or try to get her to change, which will cause more conflict. Those wishes make dangerous goals.

You’re right, one good goal is to retain your freedom to live your own life in your home town. The other part of that goal is to make the best of what is often going to be a difficult relationship with your mother, despite the hurt of losing your (delusional) sense of home and unconditional maternal love.

Everyone with a lovin’, welcomin’ mother, stand up! You’d better stay seated. It’s natural for that pain to turn into anger, which then triggers more rejection, depression, and shrink visits. Your goal is to keep those feelings buttoned up and deal with your mother as diplomatically as possible.

Visit your home town the same way you would visit any other city. Find friends to stay with, even though it may limit your time there. Treat your mother like an unhappy customer whom you would like to do business with, while avoiding any negative discussions about who did what wrong or any conditions that would compromise your freedom.

Let her know that you would like to spend some good quality time together, you’d like to hear her ideas about how to do that and, meanwhile, you have no trouble respecting her wishes to avoid casual, distracted cohabitation.

And don’t be drawn into any negative discussion about the way you feel, the unfairness of her actions, or how much it hurts both of you.; if you meet your own standard of what it means to be a good son and a good guest, then none of that’s important. Forget the relationship you thought you had; then you’ll be ready to make the most of the relationship you’ve got.

STATEMENT:
Compose a statement to protect you from expressing anger or guilt. “I understand you recently found it uncomfortable to spend time with me because I was not sufficiently available. I love and respect you and want you to be happy, so I’ve thought hard about how to improve things. I give a very high priority to spending time with you. I’d welcome a look at any specific proposal you’d have about our spending time together. My hope is that, in most cases, I could be sufficiently available to you while also getting the other things done that I need to do. I also hope we will find good ways to spend time together in the future. But I’m comfortable not moving forward until you feel the time is right.”

My entire life, I’ve dealt with intense, periodic spells of depression (I’m an artist, big surprise). I get sick enough that even when I do find a way to make a living, it’s hard to keep a job when things get really bad. I’m recovering from a pretty bad run now, so I’ve moved in with my parents in their brownstone in the city to get my finances together, and it’s good, because when things get really bad, it comforts me to know that I have a place to go and that I’m not a total hopeless loser. The problem is that I have two older siblings who are far more successful than I am, and the older they get and the more kids they have, the less subtle they get about how much they want the building for themselves one day, either to split into apartments for their kids or just sell, and how expensive it will be to maintain, which seems to translate as, we want this building and too bad for you because we can pay for it and you can’t. My parents think I’m being crazy and don’t want to start a fight, but the fact remains that I am the lowest person on the family totem pole, and even though I don’t have a leg to stand on in terms of having a right to this house, I need this place way more than either one of them do. Please save this loser from losing his home.

It’s amazing how often depressed people see themselves as losers whose goal is to become winners, and by losers they mean people with weak, repellant traits that compel others to avoid, neglect, disrespect, and take advantage of them. Depression is like a drill sargeant in their heads; if only they could figure out what their major malfunction is, everything would be alright.

Depressed people combine negative feelings with the negative facts of their lives—the pain, impairment, problems in relationships and making a living—and come out with a dangerous set of negative beliefs in their unavoidable doom that work to virtually insure that doom (and I suspect that’s what’s happening here). So stop before your feelings take on a life of their own and set off a war that will prevent you from sharing your inheritance.

You may indeed be the poor relative; sensitive, tired, unhappy and alone while crowded by happy and aggressive couples pushing you out of your space with their noisy, energetic preoccupations and expanding families. It’s a tough spot for even a mentally healthy person to be in.

But your resentment (doubled down by your depression) is a powerful feeling which, if you believe in it and let it seize your facial expressions, will tell them that you think they’re mean, insensitive, unfair, materialistic monsters who would love to get rid of you, take over your space, and avoid having to look at your misery.

And then, indeed, as if by magic, you will get an earful about your ingratitude, a frost will descend, and they will not want to spend time with you. Your options for using the family house will narrow, and you will feel worse than ever. Your goal is to prevent those negative ideas from unleashing a self-inflicted cycle of misery.

So begin by putting your feelings aside—which includes trying to separate rational thoughts from those you recognize depression-inspired—and assessing your partnership in a business-like way.

As a partnership between unequal parties, it has the potential advantage of letting you share in something you could never otherwise afford and the disadvantages of having to respond asymmetrically to the wishes of those who are richer and luckier.

In this situation, a good deal for you is not one that makes you happy and comfortable and feeling everything is fair. It’s one in which the advantages of what you get from the arrangement outweigh the disadvantages of dealing with your sibs.

You haven’t said that your older sibs are actually assholes, and that’s a big plus, but if you got angry and passive and pouty, that might inspire the asshole-like behavior that you so dread/assume is forthcoming.

If you instead treated them as potential partners in a business deal, not people with better lives and brains who have it better than you do, you might come out with a very good compromise, all things/diseases considered.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that protects you and them from negative feelings and sets the framework for positive negotiations. “We all love this place and gain from being able to share it. Maintaining a good relationship with one another is equally important to all of us. Because our needs are different and change over time, we will have to re-negotiate how we divvy things up and make allowance for the fact that the responsibility for maintaining this place falls so heavily on you. Let me know what you need, and I’ll try to find a way to meet your needs and mine at the same time, while allowing for the fact that you care more than your share of the burden. I believe we will be able to reach a good compromise that will allow us all to take advantage of this wonderful inheritance.”