Help And Happiness

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 31, 2009

We’ve devoted a lot of column space to the issue of helping people help people—how to, when to, who to, etc—mostly involving cases of loved ones and addiction. Ironically, helping those who aren’t very close to us with less severe problems is often much more complicated. The key is finding a balance between helping your fellow man and not screwing yourself.
–Dr. Lastname

My son just started school, and I’ve become friends with his best friend’s mother. She’s a very nice, cool person, but I’ve gone shopping with her a bunch of times now—at the mall, at Costco—and I’m almost 100% sure that she’s a serial shoplifter. The first time it happened, I genuinely believed that she just forgot to pay for the sweater she’d put over the handle of her younger daughter’s stroller, fair enough. But then at a mall I saw her use the same stroller to steal again, arguing with a manager over a shirt with a missing button while she walked out with a $100 pair of shoes. It’s weird, because every time we walk out of the store, she’ll be like, oh, I forgot to pay for those shoes, I’m too embarrassed to go back now, which is getting really hard to believe now that she’s done it over and over again. Part of me worries that she might be a little nuts and it worries me to have her watch my son when he goes over to her house to play with his friend. But mostly I think she just has a problem, like smoking or something, but one that could get her into a lot of trouble very quickly, and if I could just talk to her about it as a friend, I might be able to help her. My goal is to do what I can to keep my new friend, and keep her out of trouble.

There’s one part that always gets left out of the Biblical story of the Good Samaritan– Risk Assessment.

There’s no arguing that it’s good to help people, but, since it feels good to help people, you know there’s a down side, and that down side is that it’s sometimes dangerous. After all, any good lawyer would tell you that if Jesus had lived longer, he would have gotten himself sued.

Your first job, as a responsible person and mother, is to assess the risk of being helpful by guessing, from her past behavior, whether your friend is likely to turn on you and rip out your guts. Remember, some people with destructive habits are sharks; they’re angry, very sensitive to having their weaknesses exposed or criticized, and will respond to your kindness by swearing a blood feud.

If you’ve thought through the risks and still wish to help, consider the two major approaches: Dr. Lastname’s, and that of the Interventionists Dramatique (or just Interventionists, translated from French into A&E).

Interventionists try to get through to people by flooding them with sincerely helpful feelings. Behold the love and pain and fear I feel about you and your problem and sense my sincerity and respond because I care and accept this gift, the end.

That approach works sometimes, particularly on TV, but usually fades as soon as the intense feelings go away. Plus, there’s another disadvantage: your friend gets help for you, not for herself, and loses her motivation the moment she feels you’ve ignored or disappointed her. So then her relapse, should it occur, is all your fault.

Dr. Lastname favors a more rational approach that avoids making anyone responsible (including her and you) for things they don’t control, while helping friends overcome stigma and do their best.

Indicate concern because of behavior you’ve observed and its potential for hurting someone you respect; not because of how much you’ve been hurt, angered, victimized, forced to lose respect or almost abandoned by someone you love.

All those feelings may be true and may cause guilt and a heightened sense of responsibility, but expressing those feelings is likely to cause more harm. Remember your purpose—and don’t defeat it.

STATEMENT:
Compose your statement before delivering it. “I think you’re a good, responsible, honest person and I like you, but I’m concerned that you’ve got a shop-lifting habit that could get you into terrible trouble. I know there’s no easy answer, but I also know the problem is not uncommon and that people can’t talk about it because they’re ashamed. So I want you to know that I’m on your side and would like to help if I can. And, if I don’t go shopping with you, it’s because it makes me nervous and not because I’m feeling critical.”

I’m an assistant to a high-ranking executive at a large company. He’s nice enough, but not exactly warm, and I don’t exactly care as long as I get paid and he’s not an asshole. Recently though, I’ve walked into his office a handful of times and it’s clear that he’s been crying. It’s not like I’ve been sneaking up on him, but he quickly wipes his face with a Kleenex and acts like nothing’s wrong. I haven’t told any of my friends at work because I don’t want to humiliate him and get fired, and, like I said, he’s not exactly a buddy, but he is a human being and so it’s hard to see him suffering. I worry about him, but I also worry about keeping my job. Is it worth asking him if he’s OK? Should I talk to one of his peers about talking to him or is that even worse? Or should I just keep pretending everything’s alright?

Lucky you, you’ve discovered yet another major area of risk that can get would-be helpers into trouble, and that’s screwing up your job. And should you get fired, your boss will not return the favor and offer you a shoulder to cry on.

You may feel for this guy (red flag right there), but it seems you’ve already assessed the likely outcomes of actually talking to this guy, and those results aren’t so hot. And remember, your goal isn’t to be helpful because it makes you feel good, or quiets down an overactive conscience; it’s to do good if you have good reason to believe the result will be worth the risk.

For example, if he has any concerned friends or relatives, it’s unlikely that your response will add anything important to his life. And if he doesn’t have caring friends or relatives, he still has your employment in his hands. Sounds harsh, but your help has a concrete value, just like your paycheck.

Ultimately, helping your boss, or attempting to help him, is essentially a lose-lose situation. You could either make him mad at you (and get yourself fired) or make him too nice and thereby get everyone else mad at you (and possibly get yourself fired).

So after considering the risk, ask yourself how likely it is that your kindness will benefit your boss (not likely, plus, you’re fired).

If after all this assessment you still think a kind word would be helpful, don’t add to the complications. Say what you think needs to be said, and don’t encourage closeness or confiding unless it’s unavoidable.

And if he does confide, channel his sharing elsewhere as soon as possible so as to protect what’s left of your work relationship. Assuming you still have a job.

STATEMENT:
So draw up a statement if you really feel compelled to speak. “I believe we have an excellent working relationship and have no complaints, but I have one area of concern, and that is, that you’ve seemed unhappy lately. I may have noticed it more than others because we work together particularly closely. Of course, it’s not something I would discuss with others, but I wanted to let you know I’m sorry and that I hope things will get better for you in the near future.”