Retroactive Relationships

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 17, 2009

As Yogi Berra once said, “It ain’t over ’til it’s over,” and while that’s surely the case for the current Red Sox season, it’s also true about relationships. Due to anything from a shared possession to a shared child, couples often end up tied together when they’re not together anymore. For those couples, they have to tread even more lightly now that they’re apart, or, when it comes to conflict between exes, it will be deja vu all over again.
–Dr. Lastname

After my husband and I got divorced, I started going to a therapist, because I was really leveled by the whole experience. Plus I worried I was facing a custody battle over our son, who was only five, and wanted to make sure I kept it together for him. Ultimately, custody went more smoothly than I expected (my son lives with me over the school year and spends summers and some holidays with his dad), and my ex and I are on civil terms. To make a long story short though, in talking to this therapist about my ex and his odd family (with whom he spends lots of time in the summer), the therapist asked me if my ex-husband had ever talked about being molested—the family behavior I described as odd, on top of my ex-husband’s own quirks, seemed indicative of a pattern of abuse. I got up the courage to confront my ex about it, but he shut me down pretty fast. The problem is that he has our son with him and his family, and I’m worried absolutely sick, but there’s nothing I can do. I’d like to help my ex in a way, but my goal, really, is to do what’s best for my son.

Let’s imagine, just for the sake of argument, that your ex-‘s family is eccentric but not abusive. You push your ex-, he tells his family, they’re all offended and can’t talk about you without snarling with anger. Now they’re not just eccentric, they’re enraged.

Then, your son picks up on the vibrations and starts walking on eggshells with everyone, including you. That’s how dangerous it is to try too hard to protect your son from abuse; declare war on those who threaten him, and he could be your first casualty.

A better goal is to do whatever you can to protect him from abuse while also trying to protect him from the potential conflict an allegation will trigger. It’s certainly a fine line, and you must be able to tolerate fear and uncertainty to walk it. You don’t really have a choice, because the alternative is worse. And, anyway, it’s part of your parental job description.

Begin by putting aside fear and collecting facts. Consider what made the therapist raise this issue; some therapists tend to treat hunches, suspicions, and symbolic connections as if they were facts. In part, this is an old tradition among therapists and also reflects their intense wish to find something to work on when they don’t know what else to do.

The fact is, however, that therapists aren’t particularly good at identifying abuse, which requires the solid, fact-gathering techniques of a detective. So thank the therapist for raising the question, but a hunch like that needs solid evidence, as hard as it may be to gather.

Of course, the fear that haunts you is that you’ll fail to protect him by not taking action. But you don’t have the power to take action without causing greater harm, so remind yourself that, as a parent, your job is to do your best with very limited powers and then pick up the pieces if something goes wrong. You’re doing your job well– it’s the job that sucks.

While you can’t be there when your son is visiting his father’s family, you’re in a good position to pick up a great deal if something goes wrong. You’ll know if your son’s mood changes radically after a visit or he becomes withdrawn.

And that’s when, if you have a specific reason to be alarmed, you must walk the line between anger and an aggressive—but respectful—investigation.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement of your right to pursue the issue that is as unprovocative as possible. “I’ve always had reason to respect my in-laws (pile on every positive that isn’t a lie) and regard them as a resource for my son. But, now that I’m no longer there to be part of their family time with him and a therapist has raised the issue of abuse (it wasn’t my idea), I’m bound to keep an eye out. I can understand that my husband would feel insulted by such a suggestion, but it isn’t an allegation, it isn’t mine, and we both put his safety above everything. So I mean no disrespect by asking my husband to pay special attention and to join with me in avoiding risky situations if he thinks a risk exists.”

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with this guy from her work, but she was angry at me for breaking up with her. I wish I could explain her logic to you, and believe me, I’ve tried to explain it to myself, but no dice. Normally, I’d write her off as another crazy ex to tell stories about with my friends, but the problem is, she has my watch. Or really, she has my grandfather’s watch, which I left at her apartment by accident before we broke up (and no, he didn’t hide the watch in his ass during the war, but pretty close, so if you’re going to just tell me to get another watch, don’t, this watch is way more to me than just a way to tell time). So I stormed out of her place and didn’t realize the watch was missing for a day or two, and there’s only one place it could’ve been. When I called her to ask for it back, she insisted it wasn’t there, she didn’t know what I was talking about, that I was an asshole for walking out, whatever, anything but the truth, which is that she has my grandfather’s fucking watch. You deal with crazy people, so tell me, how do I get this nut-job to take a break from lying and give it back already?

Before we try to figure out what could work, let’s go over what doesn’t work, and nagging seems to be at the top of that list. We know this because she’s dug in her heels, and whether she’s too embarrassed to admit she’s lying or just getting satisfaction out of watching you squirm, pushing harder is not going to get your watch back for you.

In fact, every time you ask for your watch, she feels like you a, like your watch more than you like her, and b, are being forced to go through the same suffering you put her through by dumping her. In other words, you ask for the watch, and she asks you and the watch to go fuck yourselves.

Painful as it might be, you have to try to accept the fact that your grandfather’s watch may be gone for good. You can go the OJ-in-Las-Vegas route, but I don’t recommend it (and neither would he). You can bribe her roommate, if she has one. If you have friends in law enforcement, that might work, too.

Trying to make friends with her might work, but it’s not likely to happen if she’s feeling vulnerable and angry. At least not for 10 years. Besides, if she’s as nutty as you make her seem, you’re probably better off having her out of your life for good.

But your goal is to try your best, whether or not it works, and this requires you to address her positively, despite the cheating and stealing. The angrier you get with her, the crazier she’ll get with you. It’s a perfect storm of feelings that leaves you frustrated and watchless, so put on your best customer service smile and try to make a deal.

And since you mentioned she’s one in a string of “crazy exes,” you should also ask yourself what you were doing with the kind of girls who would cheat, lie, and steal. Sure, they provide stories that amuse you and your friends, but would you rather make your friends laugh or have a faithful girlfriend who doesn’t swipe heirloom accessories?

Don’t ask yourself why you gravitate towards the crazy, because it doesn’t matter. Just avoid women who fit your usual girlfriend profile and opt for women who are more steady and reliable. With or without your watch, there will always be a next time. Make grandpa proud.

STATEMENT:
Here’s one way to approach your ex that might be more fruitful. “Our relationship was important to me and what I’m feeling now is mainly anger and disappointment. But I hope we can both take away what’s positive and learn from our mistakes, so we do better next time. I wish you could find that watch and send it to me, not because I wish to have nothing to do with you, but because it will help me remember the good times and think about doing better.”