Pimps Vs. Wimps

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 9, 2009

A lot is made of the importance of having high self-esteem, but as I’ve said before, I think the opposite is true; the world suffers much more from people who have excessive self-esteem than from those who have too little, and those people make life hell for the rest of us. For those of us who occasionally question ourselves, the answer isn’t an infusion of more self-esteem, but learning to manage that self-doubt.
–Dr. Lastname

Please talk me down, because a friend of mine has managed to make me feel really shitty for the fact that he was basically a dick. I had to leave town for a few months—long story, work-related—and so I had to ask this guy, let’s call him Jim, to watch my car for me. He’s one of my only friends around here, and even though I know he’s not exactly a totally solid dude, all I needed him to do was watch my car, literally keep an eye on it and make sure it didn’t get stolen or towed, and in return I told him he could stay in my house if he needed to. I said he could drive the car around town if he needed to, and that he couldn’t bring more than one guest into my house, so it wasn’t totally open season, and he said cool, and when I came back, everything was fine. At first. But then I found used condoms in the trash at my house (gross!) and found out from one of Jim’s co-workers that he’d driven my car to another state. I just went to call him on it and he completely blew up at me, as if I was the one being a jerk, telling me I was being unfair and literally pushing me out the door. Now I’m starting to feel guilty, which is making me feel crazy, so please reassure me he’s the dick and not me. PS, I have a real skill in trusting total assholes, but you probably already guessed that.

Wanting reassurance you’re not a dick is a pretty dumb goal (and, if you were seeking my services in real life, not covered by insurance), because you’re telling this dickhead and every other quasi-pimp who wants to take advantage of you that you need someone to reassure you that you’re not a dick. Thus cementing your status as dickbait, so the circle will remain unbroken.

So if that’s really your top priority, you’re telling him he’s the boss, and his version of right and wrong is what counts. Oh, I know, what you tell yourself is that your goal is to find nice friends who can be counted on to tell you you’re not so bad, and that a good circle of such friends will make your life OK. And that might be true in another universe, just not the known world we live in.

In this world, sooner or later you’re forced to deal with people who aren’t your friends and situations in which your friends are nowhere near, and if you haven’t learned to bear the pain of your easily-stimulated doubts and your need for reassurance without actually asking others for that reassurance, you’re asking to be someone’s bitch. Again, dickbait. So reassurance is not what you’re going to get.

Or you may believe that some good psychotherapy, or maybe a success or two at work, or maybe seeing Jim again on a good hair day, would give you the self-confidence to believe in yourself and stand up to the assholes of the world. And were we living in a Sandra Bullock movie, this would be a good plan.

In real life, however, people who tend to feel guilty and doubt themselves never stop being vulnerable. If they don’t expect to change their behavior until they feel more confident, they don’t change. If you’re smart, you’ll assume the doubts will never disappear, and it’s your job to go ahead and learn to manage them better.

So your goal isn’t to get a pat on the head (or a snazzy new haircut), but simply to do the right thing. Judge yourself and stand by that judgment, so the dicks of this world can’t steal your freedom. You started out perfectly by doing nothing wrong; you asked him for a favor, offered him something generous in return, and were clear about your expectations. He took gross advantage. If you’re keeping score, you 0, dick 1.

If you retain the right to judge his conduct and decide he’s a shit-head, then there’s no point in discussing your opinion with him unless you think it will do some good. But realize, at that point, that if his behavior fits what you know about him, you’re not going to uncover and clear up a simple misunderstanding. The only misunderstanding was yours, when you misunderstood that he wasn’t a shit-head.

If you confront him, you know he’ll see himself as doing you the favor, much as a pimp sees himself as devoted to and self-sacrificing for the girls in his “family.” If in doubt, ask him if he thinks his use of your car and apartment went beyond his understanding of what you had said. I’ll bet you knew what he would say. So, in the future, re-enact the confrontation in your head instead of having to get manhandled out the door.

You may have trusted unwisely, but don’t make it worse by asking him to understand your position and relieve you of guilt. He’s the one who should feel guilty, not you, but that’s never going to happen.

If you’d hired him to be a car/house-sitter and he did this, you’d never pay for his services again, so don’t bother hanging on to his friendship, either. He can have his fond memories of his tryst in your house, you can have your self-confidence, and then between you and this dick, it’s tied at 1. At least until the next asshole comes along.

STATEMENT:
Compose a statement to help you manage your guilt under your own solo authority. “I have weaknesses and I make mistakes but I can usually tell, in the end, whether I did something wrong and need to make amends. So whatever pangs of guilt I feel when someone yells at me, I will not try to ease my pain by apologizing or asking other people to tell me I’m OK. I will bear my pain while I rely on my own experience, conscience, and common sense to judge myself and then I will act in a way that respects my judgment.

My fiancé and his brother inherited a beach house from their parents. It’s really big, totally beautiful, and technically split 50/50, but my future brother-in-law is loaded, my fiancé isn’t (well, he’s average, but his brother is really rolling in it), so the few times we’ve gone to the house, I thought it was really tense. Mostly because the brother pays most of the taxes, feeds everyone, puts up for the repairs, etc, and my fiancé just sort of rolls with it like it’s not weird because everyone knows he can’t afford those expenses and the house is legally half his. Thing is, my fiancé wants us to get married there next summer, and I hate this idea, because I think we’re imposing, and that his brother is either going to say yes but get openly resentful towards my fiancé which will make the wedding and all future visits completely unpleasant, or say no and cause open warfare between the two of them (which would mean, now that their parents are gone, that the two men’d lose the only family they currently have). Normally, my fiancé’s a reasonable guy, but he has such a blind spot about his brother and this house—when I’ve tried to bring this up to him, he tells me that I’m being overly sensitive, and that it’s not my family/not my business. But my wedding is my business, and I don’t want it to turn into a major drama that will put a shadow on the rest of our lives. My goal is to get him to see sense, pick his battles, and generally not start a war he can’t win.

Your fiancé can’t seem to understand what you feel and observe, so trying to get him to see your perspective is a bad goal. The more you try, the more you’re telling him that you’re right and he’s wrong, and that’s what he’ll react to. Also, you’re telling yourself that he’ll eventually change and come to understand what you mean, and that’s not going to be.

I wish he was wise enough to trust your people-sense, but he isn’t and doesn’t, and he’s stubborn, and, just so you’re clear on this, he’s about to be your husband. I’m not saying you shouldn’t marry him, but you need to accept his weaknesses because they’re not likely to change. Brides always think they will. If you think he’s going to change, go kiss a frog and see what happens. Brides also think anyone but them cares about the color of the napkins.

As usual, your acceptance of a painful reality opens better possibilities, but first, I’m assuming, unlike our asshole-prone friend, that you trust your judgment and don’t need his confirmation or approval. Or, if you need his confirmation and approval, I’m assuming you have the balls to force yourself to do without.

I say this because if you need his agreement before you can act, you’ll feel helpless, stymied, and resentful, much like the Senate when it can’t overcome a filibuster. Once again, fuck common “wisdom”: if you want a good marriage, learn not to communicate. Because this one of those times when communication is bad and silent frustration is golden.

Once you have confidence in your judgment and, without blaming your fiancé, are prepared to do what you think is necessary to avoid family trouble, tell him you’re dying to get married, but not at the house. You respect his dream, but you have another place in mind.

Don’t offer an explanation, because explanation opens the door to argument. You need to know if he will accept your veto, when exercised respectfully but firmly. Assure yourself that you would accept his. You need to know if your preference alone is enough. If not, you’ll have trouble later in the marriage.

Go further. Launch your own diplomatic offensive to let your future brother-in-law know that you appreciate the added burden he carries. Offer to do more of your share of the cooking, cleaning and repair/managing.

If your fiancé says he doesn’t understand what you’re doing, that’s OK, he doesn’t have to. What you need to know is, can he stay out of your way.

STATEMENT:
Compose a statement to protect yourself from the urge to be at one with your fiancé when that requires dumbing down. “I respect my fiancé’s wishes except when I think he’s stubborn and wrong-headed. If I can’t change his mind and believe the issue is important, I will try to steer us out of trouble, or at least disengage myself as much as I can, without demeaning him or engaging in argument. I will try to bear the pain of being at odds with him without seeking excessive compromise or expressing anger, so I am free to do what I think is right.”