Disrespecting The Bing

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 17, 2009

Elvis once sang, “I’m caught in a trap and I can’t back out ’cause I love you too much, baby.” For our first case, that sentiment rings true. Our second sides more with the Public Enemy school; that “Elvis was a hero to some but he never meant a goddamn thing to me,” so trap be-damned, I’m outta here. Here are two men reacting very differently to feeling stuck. Thank you, thank you very much, goodnight.
–Dr. Lastname

I lost my job last month, so my wife and I have had to move in with her parents until we get back on our feet. In a lot of ways, it could be worse—her parents have a huge old house, my kids love spending time with their grandparents and vice versa, my wife is a lot less stressed out—but, aside from the lack of privacy and pride, the biggest issue for me is my mother-in-law (a cliché, I know, but hey). This woman always has to be right, she has to have an opinion about everything, she has to know what everyone’s doing all the time…I feel like an angry teenager because I can’t go out to pick up a pizza without getting grilled for information with an additional load of condescending commentary (“Oh, I would NEVER order from that pizza place,” “You’re such a good daddy to get a treat for the little ones!”, etc, SHUT UP). My wife is used to it—she grew up with it!—but I’m not, and I can’t find a job, and I am losing my ability to resist telling her to FUCK OFF. Plus my wife doesn’t want to hear me complain about it, so she wants me to “talk to someone,” but without any insurance, I’m talking to you. And so, my goal is to find a way to get through this situation without going to jail for murder.

OK, let’s start with the positives; your goal in dealing with your obnoxious mother-in-law is a good one because you’re not trying to change her, get anyone else to change her, or find an escape where one doesn’t exist. You are admitting you’re fucked, and that’s the first step to a not-cure.

You’re also not implying that you’re a failure because you lost your job or can’t find a new one that would allow you to bid her adieu. You’re not saying “I shouldn’t have allowed this to happen” or “I shouldn’t let her get to me.” You haven’t let your seething irritation stop you from looking for work and being a father, so you don’t have to fight a false belief in your failure or the bad behaviors that follow that belief. Again, you’re on the right path, even if that path is paved with turds.

What’s left, however, isn’t easy and never has been. In the poor old days, your problem was far more common because larger families lived in smaller spaces (and no one found a solution then, either). At least you’ve got an indoor bathroom and/or your car as a possible all-weather hideaway. In the old days, the outhouse or buggy offered much less sanctuary.

The Bible would call this a major trial and tribulation, while a man from Maine might say you’ve got a super-sized shit sandwich on your plate. Your wife wants you to “talk to someone,” and I get a lot of my patients this way; people who have run out of friends/neighbors/clergy to complain to and are then willing to pay money/schlep to my office to hear someone tell them what they already know.

So here’s the truth that most people have to pay money for: in your situation, there’s no alternative. All you can do is enjoy that sandwich and develop your own brand of shit ketchup.

Respect what you’re doing. You’ve got good reason to control yourself because, aside from not wanting to hurt your mother-in-law’s feelings, you don’t want to undermine your welcome or endanger your security. Feelings aside (as usual), you have good reason to keep your mouth shut. The tongue is enemy to the neck.

So focus on that goal. It’s not to relieve your feelings about your mother-in-law; it’s to keep those impulses in check to protect the welfare of your family. Keep doing what you’re doing. Bon appetit.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep your feelings at bay: “I’m hardworking and independent but, when hard times come, I’m lucky to have the support of my in-laws to keep our family safe and secure. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law can’t help the fact that she’s obnoxious and I can’t help my sensitivity to her brand of obnoxiousness. Without meaning to, she humiliates me. But there is nothing humiliating about my efforts to help my family, which includes being polite to my mother-in-law no matter what. There’s nothing humiliating about being the clown sitting above a dunking tank as long as the cause is worthy, and it is.”

I’ve been the breadwinner for my family for as long as my wife and I have been married, which is more than 40 years. I put three kids through college, provided for a nice house and comfortable life for my family, but my wife has never really been appreciative, never given me any attention or praise, and it’s taken me this long but I’m sick of it. Now that I’m retired, you think she’d now finally make time for me, but instead, she’s only interested in our grandkids or our getting our youngest son married off. When I then say I want to go take a few days to myself, fishing with friends or something, she gives me an earful about how I should be more interested in our family. I’ve done nothing but keep this family’s interests in mind for 40 years, and I think I’m entitled to being a little selfish. I met this woman through a friend—younger, but not too much younger—who doesn’t ask too much of me, pays attention to me, isn’t always on my case—and I think this is my chance to finally be appreciated and be happy. How do I convince my kids that I’m doing the right thing? How do I take this chance without tearing my family apart? My goal is to get the respect I’ve earned without ruining everything else.

One reason everyone laughed at Rodney Dangerfield, the late “I can’t get no respect” comedian, is because nobody gets respect, let alone a bug-eyed shlub. Respect is close to the top of the “I don’t control” hit parade for most of us. Even the President has to deal with flies.

In the movies, fathers tell their sons to “insist on respect” and, to get it, gang members engage in macho duels that are probably programmed into male behavior as a way of establishing rank order in small tribes, as part of our monkey heritage.

In certain tribal societies, brothers kill sisters who might bring disrespect on the family. Respect is a big deal. The bad news is that, sooner or later, whether you’re a monkey or Tony Soprano, you’ll get no respect and whatever you feel like doing will probably make things worse.

The good news is that, apart from the agony of humiliation, being chopped liver doesn’t matter if you have the right goal, and the right goal isn’t to get respect. It’s to follow your own priorities in a way that you respect; and if no one respects what you’re doing, then you deserve even more respect—from yourself.

Putting aside your feelings for your wife (and all feelings in general—you know what the site’s called—) you need to figure out what you want to do with the situation as it is and assess the political lay of the land before you act.

Your wife won’t change—she hasn’t in 40 years, she’s not going to start now—and if you leave her, you will probably alienate some of your children, make it harder for you to participate in their lives, and lose at least half of your assets and most of your family friends.

If you’re like many men in this situation, you’ve probably let your wife do most of the talking when you’re with the kids and friends, so you haven’t nurtured your own personal relationships, and she’ll claim their loyalty. You better like this younger woman a lot, because, at least for a while, she’ll be the only person left standing in your life.

And if that’s the probable outcome of your stand for equal rights, you need to consider whether that catastrophe is worth the peace and happiness of snuggling with someone who can make you feel respected (at least until she gets to know you better). This is what I mean when I talk about the danger of giving top attention to feelings.

On the other hand, if you stay with your wife, there might be other ways to manage your needs. One, at the very least, is to block off your attention to your wife and develop a supportive group of friends, e.g., the traditional men’s poker game or golf group. Another is to call the kids on your own and try to exchange a few words, even if you’re not a talker.

Ultimately, having the respect of others is nice, but if you don’t respect yourself and your accomplishments, then the warm body next to you and the opinions s/he holds are useless. Better to live by the Dangerfield adage “I can’t get no respect” than “Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!”

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that allows you to separate your negative feelings about your wife from your standard procedures for making good decisions for your family. “I’m proud of what I’ve done to create and build this family and I don’t want to let my pain over my wife’s disrespect interfere with doing what I think is best. I’ve tried to get her to change and it won’t work. Now I need to reduce my dependence on her and find friends who appreciate me while I also try to build independent relationships with my children. Perhaps my independence will push my wife to take me less for granted. In any case, I won’t break up this partnership until I can do so without doing too much damage to my relationship with my family and their well-being.