Past Present-Tense

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 8, 2009

These two cases are based on feedback we got from our sibling-related post a week ago. Thanks to the anonymous readers who took the time to write in, and we hope these respond to your concerns.
–Dr. Lastname

Last week, someone wrote in asking how to react to his younger brother’s claim that their father had molested him, and you told the older brother, essentially, to tell his younger brother to move on. I find myself in a similar position to that younger brother—my step-father molested me for years—but A, there is no doubt as to my claims, I assure you, and B, I have yet to tell my family (my step-father just died). If and when I do tell my family, if they react the way you instructed that guy to react, I’d be pretty furious, and frankly, I can’t believe you’d give anyone that advice. It’s taken me years to come to terms with what happened, and I couldn’t tell anyone what happened, let alone my family, until several years after the abuse stopped/I got away. I don’t think I’m wrong in expecting my family to support me, and besides, isn’t advising the older brother to tell his abused sibling just to “move on” just a way of excusing the father’s behavior for the sake of the family reputation while letting his younger brother suffer yet more humiliation? I’m not writing in for advice—my goal is to get you to admit your advice was deeply flawed.

One very tough part of disclosing long-ago sexual abuse is that you have so little control over how members of your family, or anyone, will react. In some families, you will be embraced by people who believe in you, validate your experience, and are grateful that you spoke out. Your courage in doing so will be well rewarded.

But in many families, there are people who can’t believe the abuse happened or who aren’t strong enough to face what they know (even though they’ve otherwise proven themselves to be very loving and supportive while you were growing up.). Your courage will not be rewarded, or even appreciated in the slightest.

Your anger at their unwillingness to validate your abuse may create a rift you can’t mend, leave you feeling more isolated, and darken your memories of their role in your life. Worse, their response to the disclosure may re-traumatize you. So don’t assume your fear of disclosing abuse is shame or cowardice; it may be a realistic warning of more trouble to come, and a pragmatic response to a possible (if unfair) reaction.

Your goal isn’t to undo abuse or set your family straight; it’s to make the best of the cards you’ve been dealt, accepting family members for who they are. Disclose if you feel it will do good, or at least do no harm. Otherwise, yes, you may be better off keeping your secrets from certain people and bearing the pain that this involves.

As I said earlier, gathering the nerve to reveal a secret to those closest to you just to have them refuse the truth seems unfair. If you’ve read this site, however, you know that “fair” is the real f-word; seeking justice is an inherently flawed goal, and if justice were truly an inalienable right, you would never have been put through this trauma in the first place.

So if you want to tell your family in order to “set things right” and “punish the guilty,” stop and reconsider what the chances are that that’s what’s going to happen in the long run. Think realistically about whether your family will be one of the embracing ones, or one of the denial ones. The truth has been painful for you to live with; it will probably be no easier for them.

And then, if you decide to disclose, don’t force the doubters away unless that’s what you wish. It’s up to you to decide whether it will be more or less painful to live both without secrets and without your family, as well.

STATEMENT:
Even though you have not requested it, here’s a useful statement for addressing your family that describes the facts as neutrally as possible. “Whatever the good memories you have about growing up in our family, and about our step-father in particular, there was something negative I need to disclose that prevented me from sharing in those positive feelings and security, and that was that he abused me sexually. I have very clear memories of what happened. I don’t know if he did it to anyone else. It happened repeatedly and I’ll provide details to anyone who wishes to know. I would have spoken up sooner if I thought there was a risk of his doing it to any other child. Some of you may have had a positive relationship with him and, as a result, may grieve him now, but the feelings his abuse left in me are, unfortunately, overwhelmingly negative and prevent me from sharing in that grief.”

I’m in the program again and am close to two years sober, but when I was at my worst as a drunk, I did a lot of terrible things I’m not proud of, and a lot of those things involved my wife and eldest daughter. When I tried to make amends to my wife, she basically told me to go fuck myself, which was hard to hear. It didn’t discourage me from also trying to make amends with her, but instead of just getting ignored or berated, I started a forest fire—by trying to make things better, I actually made things a million times worse. She told everyone some of the terrible things I did, but after I approached her, she told everyone about everything—everyone being her sisters and brother—and now some of them won’t talk to me, some won’t talk to her, and nobody’s talking to each other or to their mother. She now wants to send me back to jail (I’ve done time for unrelated charges) even though I’m in my 60s, and also sue me, which means what little money I’ve put away will all go to her and the lawyers, not her mother, who’s sick, or her brother and sisters. I want to stay sober and keep working towards being a better person, and now I’ve got so much worry and guilt, and I’m catching so much shit, it’s getting harder and harder to walk the line. Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect, and Lord knows I was once a monster, but I admit I did wrong, and I’m sorry I did wrong, and I don’t know what else I can do to do right.

As you’ve now discovered, there are times you can’t make amends for past misdeeds; the impact of what you’ve done can’t be undone, and the way people respond is out of your control (and theirs, too, for that matter). The sixth step is not about getting results; it’s about doing what’s right, for its own sake, and accepting that whatever happens next, happens.

Some people make amends because they think it will lead to the good feelings of making up. Not necessarily, Earl. Making amends doesn’t entitle you to forgiveness, relief, or any of those good feelings that alcoholics (and most people) are so eager to get. Making amends often leads to more humiliation and blame. And your goal, in general and in recovery, isn’t to feel better. Your goal is to do what’s right, as much as you can day by day, and bear the pain of it without starting to drink again.

And, of course, you shouldn’t be surprised. You know that alcoholism releases the dark urges in many people, who then hate themselves when they sober up, which drives them to drink again. That’s why AA encourages frequent meetings, at each one of which you take comfort from trying to do your best today and accepting what you can’t change, which may include a terrible past and much unavoidable pain for now and the indefinite future.

Sometimes, those darker urges like to whine when you try to bottle them up. “If they’re going to kick me when I go to the trouble of making amends, well, fuck ‘em for their ingratitude, I’ll show them they’ve destroyed my sobriety and I’ll leave them with nothing.” That’s what I’m hearing you say now.

And what you should say to that voice is, “Fuck you. You didn’t have to drink. You didn’t have to terrorize your daughter and twist her childhood. You didn’t get help when it would have made more of a difference. So you can’t expect applause now.

So don’t be surprised if your presence on this earth causes pain to a kid you traumatized at a time when she had no way to resist you. And if you’re going to tell me you think it happened to you when you were a kid, then you have an additional reason to know how much harm you were doing.

Whether your daughter’s efforts to get justice or compensation will do more good than harm, no one knows. She feels it will, and therapists often believe it will, but things don’t necessarily work out the way they would in a fair world. In any case, your job is not to second-guess your daughter. It’s to do your best for her and your family in the present.

STATEMENT:
Compose a statement that validates your daughter without telling people how they should feel. “The more lasting my sobriety has become, the more intense are my regrets for the terrible harm I caused my wife and daughter and everyone in my family. My daughter has the right to mistrust me, want to have nothing to do with me, and consider me responsible for doing her terrible and lasting harm. I regret that my actions also separated her from my other children and continue to cause pain today. I will always have a special responsibility to help her deal with the harm I caused. I stand ready to do whatever I’m required to do by the law and will, if anything, try to do more. My highest priority is to take advantage of every and any opportunity I’m given, during the rest of my life, to make amends for having abused my responsibilities as a father.”