Sinking Relationships

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2009

Love is at its most dangerous not when its bonds are most intense, but when its status between two people is muddled and ambiguous. Here are two cases where the feelings are unclear but the stakes remain high.
-Dr. Lastname

I don’t know if my husband is cheating on me, but I admit that I’m convinced enough that I’m wondering what to say to him. He’s always looking for an excuse to get out of the house—suddenly every single game, no matter what sport, deserves a trip to the bar with his buddies. It may just be that he doesn’t like to hang out with the kids, or that I annoy him, but that seems to extreme. We’ve never had a screaming fight about the whole thing, mostly because we’re both too tired from work and life and whatever. When I do joke about it, he just swears up and down he’s not cheating, and that he’s going alone out because I hate going out with him, and that I’m letting my insecurities get the best of me. And I guess he’s right in some ways, because I am kind of shy and, when I’m busy, I forget about going out. But he knows how much it drives me crazy, and that I need help with our kids, so you’d think he’d cut back out of consideration for my needs. I’m tired and lonely, too, so now I wonder where I’m supposed to turn. So that’s it. My goal is to keep anyone from cheating on anyone.

Just the fact that confrontations over infidelity are the climax of choice for most tabloid TV programs should tell you that they seldom work out positively. Instead, they lead to mutual accusations, just-stop-attacking-me apologies, ineffective denials, and/or resolutions to do better followed by the same old behavior.

The problem is that, if he tends to lie or fool around, then that’s the way he is. As much as it feels personal, it usually isn’t, and if you looked at his past under a fidelity microscope, you’d probably find microbes of secret flings everywhere, and those microbes will keep chugging along until the Cialis stops working.

That said, your goal isn’t to slide into this negative morass of overwrought feeling, but to reconsider the value of your marriage and make it better if you think it’s worth it. It’s usually worth it if, as in your case, you’re working hard to raise kids together and you think he’s making a major contribution and isn’t that bad to live with. That isn’t romantic, but being a parent rarely is, and giving a kid a stable home outweighs your need for doting affection and John Mayer CDs.

I’m not saying that suspicion and infidelity aren’t very painful. But as much as having a cheating spouse can hurt, the result of divorce is often worse, and it’s your job to give yourself a chance to make a decision rather than let your emotions do it for you, either by calling him out or sticking it to him with some fooling around of your own.

In your case, there’s a substantial chance that he’s not fooling around, or that, if he is, it’s for reasons that are relatively superficial and within your power to change, particularly if you avoid venting your pain in an emotional blowout. Your shyness and preoccupation with kids and crises may have prevented you from developing a clear job description for your spouse and actively reminding him about your expectations.

Some guys head out to the bar if they’ve got nothing to do and the kids are noisy—but they will nevertheless pitch in and hang around if you give them clear tasks, including a schedule for your social and recreational life together. Your husband probably doesn’t have a wandering eye, but he does lack a sense of direction as a partner. You need to give him that direction before letting him loose entirely.

STATEMENT:
Before you tell him that you’re hurt, suspicious, or disappointed, figure out what you want him to do and address the issue positively. Compose a statement to keep your negative feelings at bay. “We’re both working hard to raise our kids and make a living, and we’re a good team, but we don’t spend as much time together as I think we could and should, both as parents and friends. We both like doing things on our own, but time is very limited these days, and we need time together to keep the union strong. I like spending time with you. So I’ll develop a schedule, you tell me what you think, and we’ll see if we can put more energy and pleasure into our relationship.”

OK, I know this sounds juvenile, but I’m in love with this guy I work with and it’s killing me. It’s kind of a catch 22, because if we didn’t spend so much time together, I probably would never have developed feelings for him, but I did, and I have, so now I’m stuck. I’m not sure how he feels about me, but I’m also not sure it matters; if he doesn’t reciprocate, things will get extremely awkward, and if he does, we can’t have a relationship since that’s strongly frowned upon in our workplace, especially because he’s an indirect superior. Plus I’m one of only a few women, it’s very competitive, so if we do get together and are found out everybody will write me off as someone who sleeps her way up the ladder, which couldn’t be farther from the truth since all I do is work (with this guy, who I can’t have). This of course means I never have time to meet anyone else (or really do anything else), which is why the whole situation seems so dramatic. At this point, my choices are to confront him and quit (which I can’t afford to do) or keep working in agony (which is, as mentioned, killing me). I’m willing to work to find a compromise.

As is usually true in these situations, your romantic longings for your colleague can do nothing but get you into trouble. Romance at work is highly risky in more ways than you’ve considered.

He could break your heart and then you would have to see him every day (and if you’ve got a weakness for depression, that can be counted on to kick it off). It could then become impossible to work with him, and after that, as you yourself admit, others could blame you for being overly ambitious and/or your performance ratings could mysteriously sag for no apparent reason other than your bosses want you out.

Central to the risk is a nastily vicious circle of loss, pain, poor performance, self-criticism, and more pain. I can assure you that cases like this provide me with a thriving sub-sector of my business.

However, if your goal isn’t to satisfy your longing, but instead to see if there’s something constructive you can make of it without exorbitant risk, you can pursue friendship while making it clear that your intentions, at least for the present, are non-sexual and non-romantic. But you must be clear with yourself that friendship does not mean the pleasure of feeling close to him while he tells you his problems.

If you’re checking out the possibility of a real relationship, friendship means that he shows as strong an interest in you as a person as you do for him, and that he takes independent action to demonstrate that interest, action and not just words.

With luck and careful management, you may have found a guy with a good, well-researched track record for fidelity and responsibility who works well with you, has common goals and interests, and has actively held up his side of your relationship over a long and sexually unsatisfying period of time. (But is also sort of your boss.)

At that point, you many well decide that good partners are hard to find and worth the risk of heartbreak and/or a change of job, particularly if the economic climate has improved by then. If that’s the case, go ahead and make your move. But your goal is not to share your current dramatic emotions. It’s to manage the often-high risk of finding a good partner, in or outside of the office.

STATEMENT:
Compose a statement that will keep your “he loves me, loves me not” feelings in check and encourage you to manage the risk of a partnership search carefully and responsibly. “Hiding my love, lust, and loneliness may make me feel like a loser (and give me lyrics for a country and western song), but they’re necessary to managing a high priority search in a high risk environment. If the results don’t add up to a likely relationship, I’ll need discipline to beef up my out-of-work social life and wall off strong feelings for someone with whom I must always remain professional.”