Getting In Your Own Way

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 14, 2009

Everybody has one little thing about themselves they wish they could change, but more dangerous is the one little thing about someone *else* you wish you could change, either because you want to help them or help yourself. Here are two cases that prove that change truly does come from within…your own mind.
-Dr. Lastname
(And for those still hell-bent on wanting to change, you can always submit your own problems here).

I’ve been with my husband for 4 years now, and in that time, I’ve gotten less and less tolerant of his casual attitude towards keeping appointments and being on time. He doesn’t just not show up—he’ll always call with a reason he’s late, or at least make some joke that used to charm me enough not to get annoyed—but still, he knows it’s irritating, and I’m starting to think it’s indicative of something bigger, like, maybe he doesn’t love me enough to follow through on his promises. (And I know he does this to everyone, but he shouldn’t be doing this to his wife, and I know they’re mostly little promises, but shouldn’t those be the easiest to fulfill?) Just talking about this, I feel like I’m losing my mind, which means there’s nothing about his flakiness that doesn’t drive me crazy. Maybe, because it’s not cute anymore, I worry that nothing about him will be cute anymore? Do you think going to couples therapy would help? We should be starting a family by now, but should I be with a guy who can’t keep a simple schedule? Because my goal is to stay married and stop being annoyed.

First of all, don’t let yourself believe that your husband could stop being late if he loved you more. If you do that, you’ll attack him for devaluing your relationship, he’ll feel the relationship is devalued by your failure to accept him, he’ll act worse, and the devaluing will start to come true.

It’s much less dangerous, if more painful, to accept the sad facts that he can’t stop being late and you aren’t going to change him. Then you’re also free to respect his love and all the positive qualities you chose him for.

It’s tempting to drag him into couples therapy, let fly with your grievance, and hope the therapist can get him to change. Alas, therapists have no more power than you do to accomplish such change. The result will be much like a loud, chair-rattling fart: an explosion of hot air providing immediate relief for the one feeling the pressure, followed by a bad smell that everyone is helpless to dissipate. A good therapist will stop you before you start and ask you whether you really want to do this.

Remember, you didn’t partner up with him because you thought he wouldn’t be annoying, and you probably knew well before you married him that he would never win a gold star for punctuality. Living together makes everyone annoying, sooner or later. You made him partner because you thought he’d be reliable in the ways that matter, like managing money, working hard, and standing together regardless of irritation.

If his lateness drives you wild, in spite of his general reliability, ask yourself whether you’re inhabited by an irrational, oversensitive demon that gets triggered by his lateness. If you have such a demon, you’ll know, because you’ll have met her before, and you’ll know how much damage she can do when she starts to ache and explode.

So your goal is not to get him to be on time, because you can’t change him and trying will make it worse. It’s to decide whether his performance as a partner outweighs his irritating traits and, if so, to preserve your positive view of the union against the assault of negative feelings that are trying to become negative actions and beliefs.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to counteract the mistrustful demon inside. “I hate my partner’s lack of punctuality but I chose him for other, more important qualities. His actions may make me feel devalued, but there are good reasons to think that he values our partnership as much as I do. I will try to find positive ways of limiting the impact of his lateness while keeping my negative feelings under control. If they’re painful to bear, I will credit myself with the strength it takes to keep them managed. That’s the work of marriage: keeping the negative unexpressed when there is good reason to believe the positive is more important.”

My younger brother is a great guy, I swear, but he’s also, and I mean this in a nice way, a complete fucking dork. He graduated from college a couple of years ago, but he’s living at home again with our parents in a room filled with action figures, comic books, video games…if you’ve ever seen “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” you get the idea. He’s not friendless exactly because he talks about people he knows online, but he doesn’t ever go to the movies with friends or anything, and I know he’s a complete failure with girls (so he’s the 24-year-old virgin, which isn’t quite so bad). I also know that it bothers him, because he’s asked me a few times how to get a girlfriend, and I’ve told him, straight up, you cannot impress women with a room full of Japanese toys at your parents’ house, but he doesn’t seem willing to give up any of that stuff. I don’t want to say my goal is to get my brother laid, but I do want to help him snap out of his dorkiness a bit so he can be less lonely and more appreciated for the good kid that he is.

It’s dangerous to try to turn someone into something they’re not, even if they beg for the transformation themselves. In the movies and reality TV, love and/or a good coach and/or a team of plastic surgeons can turn a frog into a prince.

In real life, the effort often turns a sad frog into a failure (they’re the ones the producer doesn’t put on the show/end up with a Michael Jackson nose). And I assume you know this, because your stated expectations are modest. Your goal is to see how far your brother can stretch his social limits while remaining comfortable with his inner dork.

By assuming that it’s OK to be a dork, you’re acknowledging that the way to help him get a life/girl isn’t through brutal make-over, but by gently pushing him towards some version of adulthood. Your brother needs a way of making a living, managing his life independently, and meeting his social and sexual needs. Bottom line is, your parents won’t live forever, so invite them and him to identify his goals for independence.

Don’t waste time on their wish that he would first be more comfortable, perhaps with the help of therapy. If you wait until he feels comfortable, World of Warcraft will have become a peaceful kingdom. Assure them that, after they’ve identified his priorities for living independently, the next order of business will be to chart the least uncomfortable way of implementing them and that you’re sure it will turn out to be interesting, if sometimes scary (keep it positive, but no need to lay it on too thick).

Don’t assume therapy will help. If they want therapy to make him feel comfortable about becoming more independent and interactive, it may well become a vehicle for escape and delay. If its purpose is to implement a plan for independence that begins right away and proceeds at a measurable pace, then it will help.

Urge him to consider his long-term goals and discourage him from dwelling on his feelings. You want to know whether he and your parents, with your help, can structure a program that will get him out of the house and working with people, at least one of whom will be a girl he can get to know.

Your goal is to present a positive way of moving towards independence without forcing anyone to do anything. Not that you’d want to try—your brother’s probaby quite skilled with a light saber.

STATEMENT:
Compose a statement to fight your fears and feelings of failure. “I’m afraid that my brother is missing out on life and that he’ll become a lonely recluse. But I also know that he belongs to a supportive family that will keep him safe and provide him with resources for getting stronger. I’m one of those resources. If he doesn’t make progress, I’ll remember that the primary cause for his problem is not him or us, but simply the fact that he’s a dork, and I’ll value the way we continue to accept and support him, regardless of how far he gets.”