I Wanna Be Liked, Is That So Wrong?

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 26, 2009

We’re all familiar with the phrase “he’s just not that into you,” but as easy as the eponymous treatise is to purchase in airport bookstores, the notion is often harder to grasp. Here are a couple of cases where people can’t accept not being accepted.
–Dr. Lastname

I recently got engaged to a great man whom I’ve been dating for several years now. His family is great, but I often get mixed vibes from his parents— especially his mom. (For the record, I’m a nice girl who plays her role well, e.g. I bring flowers over on holidays and send thank-you notes.) When my fiancé brought this issue up to his mom (with my encouragement) around Christmas time, she said she felt terrible that I felt slighted, but, when I was over their home recently for Easter, “mom” was chatting up a storm with the other brother’s fiancée, and no matter how hard I tried to join in the conversation appropriately it just didn’t work. After my fiancé’s father made a comment about me being quiet, my fiancé told his parents that I had felt slighted again. Then his mom sent me a friendly email trying to make plans, but his dad was annoyed saying that he doesn’t see how I’m “neglected.” If they treat me like this now, what will happen if we have kids someday? Will they ignore them, too? My goal is to enjoy holidays with my in-laws without feeling like I need to get them to like me.

It would be nice to eliminate your need for approval, but it’s not going to happen. Since there’s no way that your future in-laws are going to change their natural preference in daughters-in-law, trying to change your feelings or theirs is a dangerous goal.

Some therapists would recommend individual or family therapy, but given your and fiancé’s excellent efforts to communicate with his parents and the unfortunate (but not uncommon) result, therapy is likely to do more harm than good. The more you suggest your in-laws acknowledge and change their uneven behavior, the more likely they are to become stiff, unaffectionate, and eventually critical, putting your fiancé in the middle and increasing everyone’s helplessness. Ouch.

But look at what your helpless feelings are causing you to forget. Yes, you’re helpless to win as much affection from your in-laws as their other prospective daughter-in-law, but, as their son’s wife, you have the major say in how much time you spend with them and how much time they spend with their grandchildren. Unless your fiancé has high expectations about how much time your families will spend together—and you’re not saying he does—you will be the domestic air traffic controller.

Presumably, you will decide that a certain amount of time together is necessary for family solidarity, your husband’s happiness, and your kids’ connection with the grandparent generation. But you don’t need to spend more time with them than you think is necessary.

Think like the leader of the new generation, not the neglected child of the old one. You can’t help feeling helpless, but don’t let helpless feelings cause you to forget that you decide how much to invest in the in-law relationship and that you’re the judge of how well you’re doing.

STATEMENT:
“My priority with in-law relations is family solidarity, low conflict, and emotional support for my future husband and children. If there’s unresolvable conflict or bad interpersonal chemistry, my priorities remain the same, except that implementing them will require diplomacy, careful planning, compromise, and a higher pain threshold. I’ll judge my success by how well I follow my priorities and not by my discomfort or theirs.”

I’ve always been good at winning the trust of difficult people– even soothing frightened animals!— so I thought I’d have no trouble getting close to a girl I was very attracted to, even though she has a history of abuse and addiction. Sure, I was a little daunted when she told me, but I was determined not to be the guy who runs away, which is what she says always happens with guys she’s honest with. I’ve been calm with her, and I never push her, and her parents say that I’m the best thing that ever happened to her, and she seems attached to me, but the more time we spend together the more irritable and suspicious she seems to get. My goal is to get her to see that I’m there for her, realize I’m not like the other guys she’s been with, and stop pushing me away.

Your short-term goals are altruistic and commendable, and nothing stirs a young man’s heart (or other organs) more than rescuing a maiden in distress. What you’re losing sight of, however, is where you think this relationship likely to go, and what your goal is in the long run.

You’d like your gentleness to heal her wounds, win her trust, and create a close bond into which the two of you can melt, as, in the movies, this is what always happens (see: The Onion’s brilliant description of the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl”). Needless to say, reality is a bit different; in real life, such women leave a path of destruction and gives shrinks like me enough business to buy vacation homes.

In other words, there’s a big chance here that your healing powers are limited, her suspicion and anger will not be laid to rest, and that what you’ll wind up with is loving someone who can’t trust you. Healing her damage will not make you a better person, and your love will not heal her wounds. And that will hurt like hell.

Speaking as a clinician who has known some of the best in the business, I can tell you that the healing powers, even those of my elite (i.e., Harvard) colleagues are limited and fall far short of what people want to believe we can accomplish (although some believe it’s because of our Harvard-stoked elitism) (fools!).

We wish our treatments were stronger than they are, and we blame ourselves for our failures, but when it comes to helping people who are angry and mistrustful, most such patients remain angry and mistrustful. Those who know that they’re angry and mistrustful, and wish they weren’t, often get better at controlling their behavior. And those who are angry and mistrustful because they think it’s the best way of responding to a nasty world do not change their behavior. And that’s it.

It sounds like you’ve done the first part very well; you’ve been gentle, kind, and patient. Now, knowing that her trust isn’t a guaranteed result, because it never is, consider whether or not she’s really starting to trust you and/or forge a more mutual relationship. If not, you’d better back off before you get stuck in a relationship that can harm you.

Remember, your goal isn’t just to heal. It’s to find a love that works both ways and that contains that absolute necessity for a good relationship, mutual acceptance. So, now you’ve done your part well, take stock, see what you’ve got and, if it doesn’t lead anywhere, cry your tears, give yourself credit for a good try, say good-bye, and learn something that will help you choose better next time.

STATEMENT:
To counter her disapproval and your own sense of failure, compose a statement. “I’ve done everything possible to build a relationship and it hasn’t worked. I could have been kinder (particularly after I ran out of patience), but I was probably as kind as I could be; and maybe I could be more persuasive, but not by much. And maybe somebody else could do better. But if I failed, it’s not because there’s something wrong with me or my efforts. It’s because there’s a problem I was aware of from the beginning, and it was too much for the two of us to overcome. So I’ll try not to criticize myself or my girlfriend for lack of trying, waste time looking for answers that don’t exist, or prolong a relationship that can’t be positive. I wish her well.”