Why’d He Leave/Make Him Go
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2009
We’re starting the week with both sides of the relationship coin; the rejected and the rejector. If the advice seems cold–and our relationship advice often does–please remember that, like love, the truth hurts.
–Dr. Lastname
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t usually succumb to romantic whim, but when this guy came along who seemed so thoughtful, and forthright, and eager to get married and have kids, I was completely swept off my feet. He traveled a lot for work, but we’d talk all the time, and he’d always say how much he missed me and longed to see me again, send me little care packages and love notes. Then, on the day he was to return for a long stay, he walked into our apartment and told me he couldn’t see me anymore. Just like that. He said he was doing me a favor by cutting it off before he did something really awful, but I have no idea what that means. If he wanted fun and romance, I would have hung around for that for a little while at least, so why did he bring up marriage and kids if he was just messing with me? Besides, I find it really hard to believe he’s that much of an asshole to fuck with me on purpose. He was so kind! My goal is to figure out what the hell happened, because one second he wanted to get married, and the next second he wants out of my life for good, and I refuse to believe I can’t snap him out of this and go back to the way we were.
It may sound mean to say fuck feelings to someone who is suffering from a breakup, but when love is the issue, look how dangerous your feelings become if you don’t balance them with a solid wall of hard information and good common sense. Love is blind. You don’t know, when you fall in love with somebody and they appear to fall in love with you, whether they’re the steady type or like Georgy Porgy: in and out of love every few months. Georgy Porgys exist, and they’re heart-breakers. They’re a major reason you must go slow and check for references when love is too good to be true. And that’s a positive lesson you can take away from this experience: learning not to trust your feelings unless they’re backed by facts.
Don’t take this loss personally. Grief can make you question your attractiveness, intensify your loneliness, and make you more vulnerable to no-win lovers. Instead, remind yourself that you did nothing wrong, you’re not unlovable, life is a jungle, and the only thing you need to change is not your personality, but your screening technique.
Saying it’s his problem doesn’t mean you’re trying to blame him. If he knew he had this problem and consulted with me, I’d tell him the same thing. “Ignore your feelings, don’t let them push you into high-risk commitments you’ll later regret, and give yourself time to discover where you stand after you get to know who your partner really is. Meanwhile, keep your passion to yourself and don’t have sex.” If he said, “I need help in figuring out my feelings,” I’d say “Time will sort out your feelings if you can learn to keep a lid on them. But if you act loving the moment you feel like it, you’ll act like a jerk and never have a chance to figure things out.”
“Why” is a dangerous question you shouldn’t ask, because it’s a veiled way of asking yourself why you’re unlovable, what you should do to change yourself, or what you did wrong. You can’t change the past or make this guy loving and reliable and, if you don’t accept this sad truth, you’ll drag yourself down by questioning your self-worth. Don’t. He is who he is, it has nothing to do with you, and, now that you know the dangers, you’ll be better at spotting this type of person next time. Your goal is not to get him back or figure out what you did wrong. It’s to accept the fact that you did nothing wrong, take care of yourself, and learn.
STATEMENT:
So, as usual, the bad news is that your goal of getting him back is hopeless and the good news is that you did nothing wrong and his rejection isn’t personal, though it feels like it. Protect yourself from negative ruminations by composing a statement assessing your conduct and goals. “I’m glad that I’m capable of loving someone. I’ve looked closely at my conduct, and I did nothing wrong. I’m sad that he stopped loving me, but I believe the problem is his, not mine, and that it’s better I learned about his problem now rather than later. My goal is to become better at screening partners for reliability and constancy; avoid rumination by keeping busy; and end this relationship as quickly as possible by avoiding contact.
After dating a string of assholes, I was set up with a guy who all my friends agreed was “the nicest guy on earth.” And sure, he was nice, and I liked him, but he was also eager to get very serious very fast, and sooner than later, I started to feel smothered. When I told him I needed a little space to breathe, he told me that I had disappointed him, that he didn’t understand what he’d done wrong, that he was sorry he wasn’t good enough for me. At that point, I felt too guilty to cut him off completely, but now he made me feel even more suffocated, and I went from wanting space to wanting him to die, and feeling terrible for it. How could I be so mean to King Nice Guy? My goal is to stop feeling responsible and tell him to fuck off (in the nicest possible way).
If you’re the type of person who always feels responsible for other people’s feelings, then there’s no way you can stop feeling guilty when someone tells you that you made them feel bad. Trying to stop this kind of bleeding heart guilt usually makes it worse. If you try to persuade someone you’re not responsible, they’ll know they’re getting to you and push harder. If you get angry, they’ll make you feel guiltier. If you bend over backwards, you’ll get a sore back and they’ll still be mad at you. Get used to feeling guilty. But fuck it. It’s only a feeling. What matters much more is doing the right thing by your responsibilities. If you do the right thing, you’ll still feel guilty, because that’s your nature; but you’ll be able to prevent it from becoming part of your beliefs or directing your actions and decisions.
Why do some people feel that you’re responsible for their feelings? Because their feelings, as well as tons of country and western songs, tell them so; you stomped on my heart, you make me feel like dirt, you’re too good for me, etc. It makes for great music, because it expresses the deeper yearnings of the American heart, but turn it into actual conversation, and it’s nasty, self-pitying, coercive, and destructive for everyone, which is what the human heart is all about.
So it’s your job to do what he can’t: create a boundary based on reasonable expectations. You’re not there to make him feel good. You should treat him with respect, explore the possibility for friendship, and reserve the right to back out if you think it’s necessary. As a matter of fact, get used to issuing a standard warning before you go out with anyone: “I reserve the right to stop our relationship if, despite my respect for you, I think it does not work for me.”
Meanwhile, look at the bright side of your guilt: the trait of feeling responsible for other people’s feelings is part of being a nice, caring, sensitive liberal. But if you don’t manage this trait carefully, it will make you tired, mean, over-reactive, and guiltier, which will make you depressed, drive you into therapy, and encourage Republicans to laugh at you. It will also put a big asshole-attracting sign on your chest that says “you can push me around by making me feel guilty.”
STATEMENT:
So forget about your guilty reaction to this guy. Did you do something wrong? If you did, make amends. If not, prepare a standard statement for this kind of situation and give yourself permission to talk with him no more. “Your happiness matters to me and I hear your criticism. You feel I’ve (circle one): hurt your feelings, rejected you, given you mixed messages, damaged your self-esteem. I’ve reviewed my conduct, and I think I’ve done nothing wrong. I continue to respect you and wish you well, but I think this relationship stirs up negative feelings and should stop now. I wish you well.”
