Crazy vs. *sshole
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 8, 2009
Today we’re doing two long cases that are a good introduction to an important life-lesson; the difference between crazy people and assholes. Yes, there is a difference, and we’ll let the cases explain the rest.
If you have an impossible person in your life, let us know. Especially since, if that person’s truly crazy or an asshole, your friends are probably sick of hearing about it.
—Dr. Lastname
I’ve been living in this house for 20 years, but it wasn’t until last year that my neighbor decided to declare war on me and my family (word is that he used to torture the family in the house on his other side until they moved away). This crazy jerk is trying to push me out of my home by putting trash in my driveway, killing my roses (which he says are too close to his fence, whatever that means), and, when I replant the roses or put the trash in his driveway, calling the police and making false complaints about me! I call the police on him right back, but he won’t stop, and I’m about to lose it. Unlike that other family, we are NOT going to move—I’m very involved in neighborhood matters, and I’m not moving my kids—so I need to figure out a way to get this crackpot to stop. My goal is to teach this nut-job who’s boss and get him to back off.
As much as it’s your job to protect your family, you must also remember that there’s no way to protect anyone from a true nut-job. A true nut-job is sure you’re out to get him, and every conversation you have, whether reasonable or intimidating, loud or soft, juices up his conviction that you’re at war. There’s no known treatment. If he were a crook or selfish, you could appeal to his self-interest, but a true nut-job is like a religious zealot who cares nothing for pain or cost because he’s on a mission from God. There are people like that, and there’s no way to win. Knowing now that you can’t teach a lesson to someone who thinks they know the One Truth, that you’re their enemy, you can see how your goal isn’t a reasonable one.
Of course, while you can’t win, you can’t exactly lose, either, because his issue with you isn’t personal. Whatever the craziness that exists in his brain, it’s already destroyed him as a person, and it’s that craziness that’s attacking the two of you. The craziness is also a lot more powerful than anything else, especially reason, so retaliation is futile. Your job is to approach your neighbor as you would an irritable bear: play dead and hope that the bear eventually loses interest and goes away.
The danger of trying to get this guy to do anything or control him in any way is that it will draw you into further interaction, which will stimulate him and escalate his aggressiveness. Do what you can to slip under his radar, and document aggression when you can without seeming to focus on him. Politely ignore all aggression unless or until you have an incident that you can use as leverage. Above all, avoid confrontation. Your instincts tell you that doing nothing isn’t the way to keep your family safe, but your instincts clearly have never met someone crazy.
STATEMENT:
To reduce your emotional reactiveness to his provocation, and to cope better with feelings of helplessness and humiliation, try preparing a statement about your reasonable responsibilities in this situation. “My job is to protect my family and my place in this community, and I’ve done what I can with my neighbor, both in direct conversation and legal confrontation, but I’m helpless to do more. If he does documentable damage, I may someday have an opportunity to persuade the court that he’s dangerous, but until that day, my priority is my family’s safety. If I decide that I need to move away, so be it. If I feel helpless and humiliated, my job is to bear those feelings without letting them provoke more conflict. I respect myself for enduring this burden and leading my family through an impossible situation.” And for Chrissakes, don’t plant any more roses.
I entered into a business with a partner who came very highly recommended, and for a while, we were a really great team. Sure, I found him to be a little pushy and paranoid sometimes as a partner, but in our field, pushy is good and paranoid is realistic, so I just let it go in the name of our shared success. Now, surprise, the business isn’t doing so well, and I told him I felt it was best to close up shop rather then risk going into debt. It was a purely economic decision– my dog probably knows that the market is in the shitter right now– but my partner took it as a personal affront against him and has since become a total nightmare. Namely, he’s accused me of stealing and badmouthing him to business associates. I’ve done no such thing, but now he’s suing me and spreading all kinds of rumors that are putting my career at risk. I purposely sought out a business partner who I didn’t have a serious personal relationship with in order to avoid a situation like this, but now he’s acting as if I’m deeply betraying him, that I’m rallying the world against him, and trying to reason with him only makes it worse. My goal is to get my former partner to see sense before he ruins both of our careers and makes any work in the future with anyone impossible.
While you think your issue deals exclusively with your former partner, the bigger problem here is that you’ve found yourself coming up against a total asshole. I don’t use the term “asshole” flippantly– after many years in this business, it’s become a viable diagnosis. The main traits of an asshole are the beliefs that s/he is always right, nothing is his/her fault, and for whatever reason, everyone around him/her is always fucking up or trying to ruin his/her life. In other words, to the true asshole, everyone else is an asshole but them. Sadly, there is no cure.
Assholes, like crazy people, are virtually impossible to reason with, but there is an important difference between the two; assholes go after you because they think you’re an asshole, whereas crazy people go after you for reasons they’re not even sure of, but that doesn’t bother them, because they’re crazy. Especially dangerous is thinking you can reason with an asshole friend-turned-enemy, like your ex-partner.
When things are going well, asshole friends seem like engaging, reliable, reasonable people who are interested in being friends and partners, and are fun to get to know. What makes them assholes is your discovery, usually late in the game and after a relatively minor conflict, that they’re a lot angrier and more suspicious than you thought, and have cut a swathe of bitterness and alienation through their family and previous close relationships. (If only people had personal relationship references like they have professional ones. Oh well, next time, do more homework.)
By then, it’s too late, and trying to mend things usually makes them worse. “Getting to make them see sense” makes them feel invalidated and will stir a counter-attack. The big picture, as you see it, is that conflict hurts them as much as you, but if they saw the big picture, they wouldn’t be assholes who have this problem of overwhelming mistrust and anger in the first place, and you wouldn’t need to be consulting me.
No, please stop before you say “But then, how can he be helped?” He can’t, and it’s time you asked yourself why you’re asking that question, when what you should be asking is, “how can I deal with this asshole and avoid choosing someone like this ever again?” Fuck your wishes to help, heal, or otherwise control.
You can’t expect to cure him, understand him, intimidate him or reason with him, no matter how much you’d like to. Your goal is not to get him to see he’s being destructive, but to do your best to manage his destructiveness when insight and reason are impossible. And, until there’s a “Race of an Asshole cure” or a brown asshole support ribbon, accept that asshole-ism, and assholes, aren’t going away any time soon.
STATEMENT:
A good way to put yourself in the right frame of mind is to prepare a statement that reflects your moral response to his accusations while excluding anger, counter-accusation, and a need for understanding or further conversation. “We made a good team and I’m sorry I found it necessary to end our partnership. Your opinion matters to me. I know you feel I acted badly and I’ve thought over what you said. We’ll have to agree to disagree and it’s a topic that should now be put aside. I continue to feel positively about our past work and intend to address any remaining differences with fairness and respect. I wish you well.”
