The End of the Affair

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2018

Given the choice, most people prefer to hold the stars, a deity, or their own shortcomings responsible for the pain in their lives rather than accept the existence and power of pure bad luck. And while no one can definitively argue that horoscopes and gods aren’t worth believing, it’s objectively true that assuming responsibility for and blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life, especially where relationships are involved, is a total waste of time. Sure, you can learn how to avoid bad partners, but you can’t control whether you’ll ever find or keep a good one, and some people just aren’t lucky that way. So if you turn out to be unlucky in love and heartbroken, don’t waste time cursing your sign, your lord, and especially not yourself; refocus your energy on what you do control, the kind of life you want to live, and the ways you can achieve that life on your own, regardless of whose company you’re blessed with or what crap the universe throws at you next.

-Dr. Lastname

I’ve been in and out of a relationship with the same married man for 17 years. I’m ashamed of the stupidity of it all, including moving hundreds of miles to be closer to him. I broke it off again a few months ago and he seems fine, but I’m not. We are not in communication and it continues to hurt, but I’m determined not to ever allow him back in my life. I honestly don’t trust myself though if the opportunity presents itself. I’ve been divorced for 24 years and living and working on my own, but I feel addicted to this man and have no idea how not to be. My goal is to finally end things for good and find a way to move on.


F*ck Love: One Shrink’s Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

Despite what our instincts, logic, and too many pop hits tell us, a failed relationship doesn’t mean that one or both of the involved parties is a failure themselves. So never devalue yourself for having loved someone steadily for so many years, particularly someone you don’t think of as bad or destructive, just married and unavailable.

From what you’ve said, your love didn’t make you act destructively in your life or weaken your determination to make your own decisions and support yourself independently. It brought you occasional happiness and also sadness, but not through any fault of yours.

If his love was not as strong as yours, or simply more complicated, that’s something you should mourn and be frustrated about, but not be ashamed of. You’re not stupid, just unlucky, heartbroken and human.

Once you can accept that, your focus should be on finding new investments to make with your life. While you can’t prevent yourself from having distracting, sad thoughts about him for a long time, you can stop those thoughts from interfering with your ability to do good, worthwhile things with your time, like volunteering, traveling, or pursuing ways of meeting people who share your interests.

If you slip and let him back in your life, don’t take that as a great failure, either. Just keep building your life as an independent woman and looking for other good, strong friendships and things to do. If you’re anywhere near retirement, you know how much you’ll need a reliable network of friends and relatives to hang out with, and he’s not somebody you can count on that way. So keep planning for your important long-term needs.

Although we all wish for luck in love, it’s really not something we control, so it’s easy to find yourself alone or in a relationship that’s only half-good due to no fault of your own (and that no amount of your effort can improve). Your goal then isn’t to wipe his love out of your life or try to assign blame; it’s to take pride in having made the best of the life you had with him while putting together a plan that meets your needs and makes the best of your life, regardless of whom you share it with, going forward.

STATEMENT:  

“I can’t stop missing the man I love and wishing I could see him again, but I won’t let my feelings stop me from living a good, independent life and preparing for a full and busy future.”