Slack Check

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 15, 2018

When you’re dissatisfied with where you find yourself in life because you’re bad at getting yourself motivated and organized, it’s very easy to kick yourself so you can at least claim credit for being a good critic of your own failure. Unfortunately, self-blame just makes your performance, and thus your dissatisfaction, worse. So if you find yourself calling yourself a fuck-up, shut up and think about what you’re trying to accomplish, what gets in the way, and what control you really have over those obstacles. In almost every case, you’ll find new ways to move forward once you define and accept whatever it is that you can’t control instead of defining yourself as a loser.
-Dr. Lastname

I’m in my late 40s, married and fucked. I have tried to unfuck myself with the help of various therapists but I think the last one fucked me more because he was really trying to get to my inner child and get me to be more vulnerable during sessions. Also he made me lay on a couch, not facing him…which always made me feel uncomfortable. At any rate, I fired him. My main issues are that I ‘m a hopeless slacker. Even worse, my dream in life was to be an actor– I have theater training and want to be creative and fulfill my need to create art, etc….but I’m isolated in my home and don’t really do much besides talk to myself and waste time. I’m trying not to drink (I am an alcoholic), but I’m bored to death and my only social interaction with other humans is on Facebook. I don’t have a job because I hate working for people, because they’re assholes. I was once a pretty well domesticated animal but now I can barely go out in public without wanting to bite people, which is not very easy on my lovely wife. I think I should look for a new therapist, but I’m not exactly motivated. Can lobotomies be performed on demand? My goal is to be less fucked.


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You describe yourself as being fucked because you find yourself to be an unhappy, unfulfilled, hopeless slacker. If you’ve always been this way, however, then your goal isn’t so much to become un- or even less fucked but to get fucking real about who you are and what you should expect from life.

Anything that’s stayed the same for almost 50 years, whether it’s a person or a tree or an athletic record, will probably require some serious (or, in the last case, intravenous) divine intervention in order to change. And if changing is probably impossible, then so is becoming less fucked, especially since anyone who dreams of being an actor is unlikely to achieve happiness or fulfillment. Other than, as you point out, from lobotomy, which could turn you into an entirely new person (or at least happy with the blob you’ve become), your fucked status appears to be frozen as is.

Given your inability to escape your doom, however, a better goal would be assess the limits on your ability to get things done while still trying to be a good person. Although you describe your unemployed, irritable and isolated status as a matter of choice and preference, I suspect that these problems may not actually be within your control. Many people with depression become relatively unable to multitask and get complicated things done, even after their mood improves, and being irritable is certainly a common symptom of depression, which is a common affliction among actors (even among those who have achieved professional success).

Professional experience has taught me that “executive dysfunction” following depression is a neurological impairment that is more common than people realize, so ask yourself whether you’re actually already brain-damaged. Test yourself by trying to get things done that used to be easy and see how far you get (or don’t). Even if your tests aren’t conclusive, you already know that, as an alcoholic, your brain is at least problematic, given how hard you have to work to shut down its proclivity towards destructive behavior.

Given your limited capacity, stop berating yourself for being a fucked up person and instead try to help yourself manage an impairment. In other words, work to apply the Serenity prayer from AA to other, non-booze-related areas of your life, going to additional 12 step meetings for support if need be. Define activities that you think are most necessary in terms of making money and keeping you healthy. Elicit your wife’s opinion, both so she won’t take your negativity personally and also to give her a chance to be part of the solution. Find ways to fulfill your creative urges that don’t depend on the whims or approval of others.

Then ask for help in creating a schedule and for friendly feedback that will help you get on track. Of course, you won’t feel like doing these things, even if you once did in less grumpy days, and trying to do them now that they’re more difficult and unpleasant may make you feel worse. But if you have talked over your plans and get encouragement and benign supervision from a friend, partner, support group or therapist, you may be able to create new habits that will eventually become easier and help you regain your independence.

Anyone whose self-esteem depends on being happy is fucked, whether they’re a grumpy artist or open-minded and Type A. If, however, you can define and push yourself to perform the activities that would make you a good, independent person and partner, you can be proud of who you are and tell your frustration and unhappiness to go fuck itself.

STATEMENT:
“I’m doing nothing worthwhile with my life and I can’t help feeling I’ve made a mess of it, but if I can define my actual abilities and do my best, within my limitations, I will live a meaningful life (even if I can’t be happy or find acting gigs).”