The Fiscal Tiff

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2013

There are plenty of things that money can’t buy, but when you don’t have any money, you’d gladly sell any number of those things for some food, rent, or pride. Whether economic desperation destroys a once-solid relationship or forces you to kiss up to someone you once told to kiss off, it’s hard not to feel like a loser when you have no money left to lose. Working hard when you feel like a loser, however, is a much tougher feat than working hard when life is fair and the rewards flow in. If you refuse to hold yourself responsible for hard times and give yourself proper credit for what you do with them, you can survive periods of apparent dependence and humiliation without losing faith in yourself or the truly priceless values you stand for.
-Dr. Lastname

I know my husband wants a divorce because I’ve worn him out with my up-and-down moods, emotional crises and being unemployed and dependent on him for the past three years. It’s lots more than he bargained for, particularly since we never wanted kids and married five years ago for companionship, when we were both making good money and never thought one of us would have to support the other until we were both retired and had good pension plans. Now I can’t afford to let this marriage end, not just because I still love him, but because I’m broke and have nowhere else to go. I haven’t given up on trying to find work—I’ve kept up a steady search, and I’m not too picky—but it’s been very discouraging and my chance of getting anything like the salary I got before I got sick is very slim. So I’m scared shitless he’ll get a lawyer, force me out, and lock the door behind me. My goal is to figure out how to postpone that day until I’m back on my feet.

When uncontrollable events make a nice, companionable partnership increasingly burdensome and loveless for one or both partners, said partners can very quickly turn into archenemies. When two people can no longer turn to each other, turning on each other becomes their next option.

During what amounts to a marital Armageddon, finger-pointing abounds, and you could easily see your husband as a fair-weather promise-breaker, he could see you as a needy leach who promised a lot more than you delivered, and mutual accusations could bring out nasty behavior and more destruction.

Your first goal is to keep a lid on the potential ugliness, but even shutting up can be dangerous. Acting as if you don’t give a damn, or feel like the injured party, or both, can stir up trouble without a word’s being spoken. You need to define and own a positive goal in order to manage an extremely negative situation and keep everything from falling apart.

So don’t let feelings of false pride prompt you to get even for mistreatment or humiliation, or panic keep you in such a desperate frenzy that your husband feels that you’re using him for money or unreasonably pressuring him to keep you afloat. Instead, draw on deeper values for your self-respect and find ways to give as good as you get, instead of getting frantic. Don’t underrate the ways you’ve given in the past or things you do now that he doesn’t appreciate, but if, while doing the tally, you still come up short, take on menial tasks and try to earn your room and board. Instead of obsessing over how losing the marriage will leave you with nothing, show him that you can contribute positively to your partnership, as long as it lasts.

If he’s cold or demeaning, don’t respond negatively. Choose the battles that matter, and what matters now is not getting drawn into conflict that forces you to leave before you’re ready. Remember, pride doesn’t come from saying smart, sassy things to people who are trying to humiliate you (other than pride in having a quick tongue); it comes from living up to your principles while tolerating humiliation and staying silent.

Hopefully, your self-respect and patience will restore your marital chemistry. If not, they will help you fend off his negativity until you’ve found a better place to go. You might feel like it’s the end of the world, but if you can find a way to work together, it won’t even have to be the end of your marriage.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve never felt more dependent and useless, but there’s nothing dishonest about being broke and, sooner or later, I will do my share in this marriage and have nothing to apologize for, whether we recover our mojo or go our separate ways.”

When I quit working for my mother five years ago, I did it because I was annoyed by her overbearing manner and wanted to prove I could make my own way in the world. For a while, I did fine, but then the economy tanked and my boss was cheating all his salespeople, so I not only found myself unemployed, but without the commissions that I was owed, leaving me jobless and broke due to money owed. I know I could go back to working for my mother, and that I really, really need to have some money coming in for my kids and everything they need, but I hate the humiliation of slinking back, admitting defeat and having to take all the shit she is so good at handing out. My goal is to hang on to my independence.

As in the case above, it’s when financial and physical independence are impossible that emotional independence becomes a real challenge. As many young people have discovered over the past five recession years of family-home-sharing, there are ways to become independent while living with your parents, but like the “independent living” facilities you start to dream of sticking those parents into, it can feel humbling and infantilizing.

You proved to yourself that you could leave your mother’s business, look for work elsewhere, and satisfy a boss who’s not a relative; the only thing you couldn’t do was keep your job through a harsh recession and make enough money to support your family. So, given that there’s nothing wrong with your current job search in terms of effort, energy and focus, you’ve got a good reason to go back to working for your mother, at least for the time being. It’s not just that you need the money, but you know that you’re capable of getting out when the getting’s good.

There may be some, including your mother, who see your working for her as defeat, subjection, or failure, but unless you can feed your family with their opinions, what they think isn’t important. What’s important is living up to your own values, which, aside from supporting your family, include doing a good day’s work by your own measurement. So, if your mother gives you a hard time when you’re doing a good job, not only should you avoid slacking off in resentment, but you should keep on doing a good job. Take comfort in knowing you can maintain your professional standards under all circumstances, even when your client is your mother.

You may also set limits on her in the same way as you would on a client, if that proves necessary. If she won’t stop advising or criticizing you, don’t get sucked into your old relationship by defending yourself or snapping at her. Instead, let her know that winning her satisfaction is always important, but sometimes you need quiet time to get work done and sometimes you need do it in your own way. In either case, the goal is to give her work she’ll be pleased with and avoid bickering along the way.

Whether she’s pleased or not, or whether or not you find the work excruciating, remember that you know why you’re doing it and that, ultimately, you’re doing it for the right reasons. Live up to your own performance standards, and nothing that your mother says can take your pride away, and nothing she can do can stop you from continuing to look for other work in the meantime.

STATEMENT:
“Working for my mother is the ultimate shit-job, but I love my kids and there’s nothing more important than supporting my family, so I know I’m doing what’s right. As long as she’s the boss, I will make it my professional goal to make her satisfied or, if that’s impossible, to let her know I take pride in my work, whatever she may think. If I keep my pride, I’ll be ready to leave the moment something better opens up.”