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Thursday, December 14, 2017

Career Wrath

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 2, 2016

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It’s very hard to determine whether you’re successful, lovable, or just a worthwhile human being when your thoughts are distorted by the shit-colored lens of depression. Even if you’re making good efforts and getting reasonable results, you’ll see nothing but could-haves, should-haves, and don’t-bothers. That’s why it’s important to recognize when you’re depressed, how depression distorts your thinking, and what to do to be more objective and positive about your achievements. If you can see the effect depression is having on your mind, you can see past the filter to the truth.

-Dr. Lastname

A couple of months ago I was miserable because I worked 12 hours a day for little money and also had to juggle school. While working at this job, my girlfriend for five years left me. I quit the job but never really recovered. In part because I felt I’d disappointed my teachers, because I didn’t perform at school like I used to. Also, I’ve stranded myself from my friends and colleagues because of some internal school politics, plus I rebounded with one of the girls from my class that everybody seemed to want, so now there’s lots of resentment. Since quitting/everything going south at school I can’t concentrate properly, always feel depressed, emotional and anxious around people, and have little interest for things that I used to love. Either something makes me not give a shit about it or makes me cry. I even found a new job where I could make good money in a couple of years and maybe be set for life, but I still feel like shit because the job’s not the field I’m going to school for, so I’m so conflicted. It’s seems like I either try to do what I love/thought I loved but probably will make little money OR make some money doing a job I don’t really love and get to do all the things you couldn’t do before because I was kinda poor. My goal is to get out of the dumps and choose the right career for the right reasons.

WAIT! There is more to read… read on »

Needing Lady

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 19, 2016

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No one’s life is really controllable, but if you’re one of those lucky people who works freelance, dates long distance, and generally has as much control over his life as a cat wrangler over his herd, then you know a special kind of chaos. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can avoid falling into these categories, but it does mean that you must work even harder, not to stay sane, but to respect yourself for tolerating frustration and loneliness while persisting in your efforts to pursue goals that you truly value. Your life may feel out of control, but if your goals are steady, then you’ll be able to stay the course.

-Dr. Lastname

I am an actress in my 30s, and I was on a roll after not working for a year and a half. I booked an amazing movie and met a guy, fell in love quick and deep, but then I had to go home, thousands of miles away from him. I went back to being busy with work, doing well, looking forward to getting back to his town with another job, but of course it didn’t work out this way. I got close on some jobs and was working with a life coach who told me the job was coming, but 9 months went by and I was working a part-time job and getting depressed about the dude as I hadn’t heard from him and suspected he had moved on. I forced his hand and decided to go to see him anyway, so I saved a bunch of money to go see him and have my heart broken in person (and then make peace), but then I got home early only to discover my part time job and apartment were gone. The life coach tells me I have to get a regular job and that I sabotaged my career. I feel like the last of all my friends to get my shit together and it’s all a bit overwhelming. Plus I still have feelings for the guy and I’m still 9000 miles away. I want to go move home, closer to my family (and to him), but need money to do so. I feel lost and pulled in a million directions—I want to really focus on my craft and making a living doing that, but also have a boyfriend, and it always seems like it’s one or the other, and my feelings get the better of me sometimes. My goal is to figure out how to make it all work.

WAIT! There is more to read… read on »

Parental Warning

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 12, 2016

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Many parents know what it’s like to hate their kids at some point in the long, close process of living together as a family, be it during the early years when they eat, break or crap on something you really care about, or during the teen years, when they metaphorically do the same. Unfortunately, some parents don’t know it does no good to hate yourself for the way you feel, so instead of trying to feeling loving all the time or running away when you’re angry, remember what you want to accomplish as a parent, whether you like your kid at that moment or not. Then learn how to keep hate to yourself while pushing the relationship in the direction you think it should go, namely towards mutual respect and away from destruction.

-Dr. Lastname

I’m a single mom in my 40s, and I am in complete awe of kids today and their sense of entitlement. My teenaged daughter down-talks to me constantly and is always arguing about every little thing. Tonight I told her to do the dishes, and when she gave an attitude about it, the fight escalated until we started hitting each other. She talked down to me and called me crazy, and I ended up putting her in a headlock and saying, “You think this is crazy, you haven’t seen crazy!” Eventually, I even said the words I will go to hell for saying–“I hate you”—and I hate myself right now. All I have ever wanted was the best for my daughter. Her father was in and out of her life and that devastated me because I know how important a father is since I didn’t have one myself. I have done everything to show her love and build her up so she would have the self-esteem to make better choices for herself, yet here I am acting like my mother, which makes me want to go play in traffic. She has been stubborn and strong willed since day one and everything I thought about having a little girl has been shattered. A factor to consider is I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 10 years ago. I can’t work (but I take care of the household), am in pain a good percentage of the time, and my cognitive skills are most effected, so I can’t multi-task at all (and I have explained to her that if I am doing something and she comes in and starts talking, my brain can’t shift that fast, but she still gets annoyed when I ask her to repeat herself). I feel like my life is fucked and over and I’m depressed about a shitload of things, but mainly our relationship. What the hell do I do to change our relationship before I have a stroke? My goal is to get my daughter to see that I love her so much instead of just seeing my resentment.

WAIT! There is more to read… read on »

Hurt Response

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 5, 2016

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When you lose someone you really care about, the despair can also cause you to lose your confidence; you sometimes feel you should be stronger, or should have cared less, or that you now lack the independence to recover. In reality, we have as much control over how we feel about or experience loss as we do over our loved ones. Some people wind up with much more pain than others, and much more than they deserve. What you can always do, however, is find meaning and value in the relationships you’ve cared about, and, in doing so, find reasons to believe in yourself and carry on.

-Dr. Lastname

In the past three years I have lost my father, my husband, my son, and had a bad breakup. I also am responsible for the care of my handicapped mother. The loss of my son and the breakup have both happened in the last three months. I feel overwhelmed and cannot pull myself out of it. It’s too much to go through all at once, and I can’t see any relief in sight. My goal is just to survive the excruciating period of my life.

WAIT! There is more to read… read on »

5 Ways To Prevent Depression From Driving Your Friends Away

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 17, 2015

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Part of what makes depression so powerful is that it doesn’t just wipe out your will to live internally, but pushes you to drive away the friends and partners that would help you fight back. If, like our reader from earlier this week, you feel like your depression is causing you to lose loved ones, here are five ways to keep your safety net intact and prevent a depressive period from damaging close relationships.

1) Nix the Needy

Select friends who aren’t overly sensitive or reactive, because somebody who always takes your random bad moods personally isn’t someone who’s going to stick around for very long (and will make you nuts with guilt in the process). Instead of straining your face (and brain) with a fake happy face, find friends who are comfortable with depressive symptoms and know how to roll with it.

2) Fly Your Sad Flag

Educate friends and family about depressive symptoms, particularly social withdrawal, sadness, and irritability, so they’ll know that what you’re going through is due to your disease and not their actions. Your message to them is, I’m not angry with you, I haven’t stopped caring, and I haven’t lost my appreciation for your jokes. What I have done is get stuck with this disease that occasionally makes me miserable and unpleasant.

3) Help them Help you

After outing yourself as a depressive, tell your loved ones what they can do to help when you feel down, so they don’t try too hard to cheer you up, get you to share your feelings, and generally make things worse (with the best of intentions). For instance, let them know not to take it personally when you cancel during dark times, but also that it’s helpful if they push you a little harder to get out of the house, despite your grouchiness.

4) Enforced Fun

Make it easier for your friends by preparing a list of those social activities that you believe are healthy and good for you to try doing when you’re depressed, even if you won’t feel at all like doing them and might not be at your most fun self while they’re happening. Then share it with your friends and ask them to help you create a social schedule when you’re down and hold you to it.

5) Emphasize Effort

Resist the depressive urge to find fault in yourself by comparing your social interactions while you’re depressed with what they are normally. Instead of noting how badly you’ve shut down, focus on the many steps you’ve taken to manage your depressive symptoms, including social withdrawal. Then give yourself credit for all the extra work they require and respect yourself and your friends for the value they place on your relationship, even when it’s no fun. You can’t control your dark moods, but with the right friends and approach, you can survive them intact.

Depressive Compulsive

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2015

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Depression can make everything in your life seem worthless, so it’s shouldn’t be surprising if your negative thoughts infect those closest to you and convince them that your relationship is worthless as well. In reality, of course, depression doesn’t change the good things you’ve accomplished, just your perception of them; they’re just a set of bad feelings that will pass, but if the people around you are as convinced of your depressive thoughts as you are, then perception becomes reality. If, however, you can select friends who are relatively immune to the infection of depressive thoughts and good at remembering what they like about you, even when you don’t like yourself, you’ll have a better chance of coming through a bad depressive bout without losing the stuff that makes life worthwhile.

-Dr. Lastname

Everything feels pointless, from waking up to eating. My partner left me because, during a period when we were apart, I kind of shut down all emotions and capability for affection and she thought I didn’t love her anymore. Later, I realized it was the same behavior that my mother would display when she got her manic-depressive episodes and had to leave me for a few months at a time. And I didn’t see what had happened to me with my partner until it was too late. I didn’t realize I even did it as a kid. Now I have this insane pain in my chest all the time and I don’t see where I am going further in life and why to even bother with it…on top of that I think I have some problems with letting people come close to me to create a strong bond, given my history. My goal is to make sure that I never go back to shutting down my emotions like this when I have to be apart from any future partner, and also, to let go of the partner who left me, because I still want us to try again, but she will not. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »

5 Ways To Cope With Illness

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 15, 2015

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Earlier this week, we heard from a reader who’s having trouble coping with a disabling illness. While such situations may feel hopeless, there are ways to make the best of life and have a lot to be proud of in the process. When you have an overwhelming health issue, here are five things you can do to cope.

1. Stop Asking Why…

Resist the temptation to figure out what you, your family, your boss, your cat, etc., did to ruin your health. Don’t think for a minute that exercise and healthy eating offered you significant protection, or that your failure to recover constitutes a medical mystery or probable malpractice. A guaranteed healthy existence is something advertisers promise in order to sell things; in the real world, no one is immune to bad luck.

Fxck Feelings, Fuck Feelings, Fuck Feelings Book, Therapy, Why, Ask Why, Stop Asking Why, Mental Illness

2. …And Ask Smarter Questions

Instead of blindly accepting whatever treatment is offered, ask yourself, your doctor, and whatever relevant literature exists what the chances are that it will help you and how you can measure its benefit. That way you can stop that treatment and move on if it’s not doing you any measurable good. It’s also helpful to contact other people with a similar condition, not just to compare treatments, but to prove to yourself that life can be this unfair to anyone, not just you.

3. Be Patient and Persistent

Don’t quit treatment because the first efforts have failed. If, as suggested above, you’ve educated yourself about all treatments, then list those you think are worth trying and pick your doctors’ brains about the ones they would try on themselves. Don’t rely on your doctors to make all the decisions; work together as a team to figure out what actions are worth trying.

4. The Mental Health Factor

Read up on the way anxiety and depression can make you feel like a failure, riding a roller coaster into a seemingly-bottomless pit that’s actually a well of shit. Find out about all the treatments that can protect you from these dangerous distortions and try those you think can help; but whatever you do, don’t assume the helpless voices in your head are reliable and worth listening to.

5. Take Stock/Credit

Make a list of your usual priorities—like keeping busy, spending time with the people who matter, and continuing to be a good person by your own standards—and build those priorities into your schedule, making allowances whenever possible for the fact that you are sometimes incapacitated. Then review the immense amount of work you do to manage symptoms and tolerate disability, and respect your efforts while continuing to live your life, despite poor health and bad luck.

Instability Insurance, Pt. 2

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 7, 2015

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On Monday, we discussed how stress can change people and turn a strong, intelligent woman into a bad-boyfriend addict. While stress can push you to pick up bad habits, it can also push you away from good ones. Whichever happens to you, regaining control begins with an acceptance of the fact that you’ve lost it, but that you’re still the same old person inside. Then invite help from friends, build new habits and be patient, and you’ll eventually bring your behavior into line with your character. Just because stress changes you doesn’t mean careful management can’t change you back.
Dr. Lastname

I worry about the way my daughter stops contacting me for months at a time when she gets depressed. At least when she was in high school, she lived with me, so I could keep an eye on her and force her to stay on top of her work and get out of bed. Now she’s out of school and won’t even answer my texts. I worry, but I don’t want to antagonize her or undermine her independence by barging in on her. Meanwhile, I understand from her brother that she has trouble getting out of bed or even checking her mailbox, so it seems like she needs me now as much as she did when she was a kid. My goal is to help her without making her feel that I’m trying to take over her life.

It’s true that actions speak louder than words when it comes to expressing affection or commitment, but some people’s behavior is really impaired, even when their affection and commitment are genuine. Depression notoriously can prevent people from checking their mail, answering their phones, or even showering or leaving the house. No wonder they get more isolated and depressed.

What you’ve learned from watching your daughter endure prior bouts of depression is that her withdrawal doesn’t reflect specific negative feelings or a lack of independence; just a neurological shutdown. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »

Instability Insurance, Pt. 1

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 3, 2015

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Dear Readers,

As you might have noticed, the site’s been going through some changes in the past week or so as we prepare for the release of our book, F*ck Feelings (see pre-order links to the right, it makes an excellent Labor Day gift).

This week, we debut our biggest change—instead of doing two cases per post, we’re going to do two per week. New posts will still go up on Mondays and Thursdays, but those posts will contain just one case, and it’ll be the Monday case and the Thursday case that have a unique and insightful connection, as opposed to two cases within each entry.

We hope you approve of these changes, and we appreciate your patience as we revamp the site and drag it from the WordPress dark ages.

In conclusion, please enjoy FF 2.0, and also, please buy our book. These A/C-bolstered electric bills aren’t going to pay for themselves.
-Dr. Lastname

 

When people are under stress, they sometimes become different people. While nobody aside from Bruce Banner experiences a physical transformation, stress does make some people repeatedly do things they know they shouldn’t. If stress sucks you into a bad habit, learn to accept your loss of control, put shame aside and have faith that the real you is still there and will come back from your mental-Hulk state. Next time, we’ll discuss the strange flipside of stress-induced compulsion.
-Dr. Lastname

I pride myself on being a pretty independent woman, so when I realized I had to give up on a relationship that was going nowhere with a guy I liked, I barely let it phase me. Six months later, however, I fell hard for someone else and, when he dumped me, it seriously messed me up and made me miserable. That’s when I was horrified to find myself calling my previous, going-nowhere boyfriend again. Since then, I can’t seem to stop calling him, even though I feel the same old vague emptiness after we spend time together. I’ve never seen myself as weak, but I feel like an addict every time I get sad and find myself picking up the phone. My goal is to figure out what went wrong with me to make me become someone who can’t stop calling someone whom I know will leave me feeling worse.

 

Experiencing the urge to do something destructive, be it calling a crappy ex, eating your weight in Oreos, or returning to the vodka trough, isn’t always a sign of overall weakness, weirdness, or creepiness. More often, it’s a sign that a part of your brain is possessed, and Oreo-loving demons don’t get up and leave on their own.

That’s because these compulsions often have a life of their own, and sometimes independent people who are proud of their self-control find themselves struggling with the urge to do something they really don’t want to do, whether it’s drinking, eating, or over-connecting. Nobody’s immune to bad habits, not even good people. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »

The Rational Inquirer

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 23, 2015

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While the whole concept of “shoot first, ask questions later” sounds cool to many of us, it obviously has some detractors (namely, those who were shot before they could have been vindicated through question-asking). In reality, as always, you need to strike a balance, because, while asking questions can sometimes interfere with action, taking action can be a way to avoid asking difficult questions. So, instead of assuming that either is good without the other, learn how to limit your questions to those that are necessary and how to take action, hopefully unarmed, even when you’re not sure how things will turn out.
Dr. Lastname

I’ve been taking a medication for several years that has been very good for my depression, but now I’m having obsessive thoughts and my doctor thinks I should take a larger dose and see if it reduces the OCD. She says there’s always an advantage in taking one medication instead of two, and that a month of taking a larger dose every day will tell me whether this medication can help all my symptoms or whether I need to try something else. It’s hard for me to take the same dose every day, because the medication makes me jumpy, so I always take less when I need sleep and then I take more when I need to be awake. In addition, I read on the internet that larger doses might make me fat, or, in some cases, suicidal, so I have a lot of doubts about this increased dose, and a lot of questions that nobody seems able to answer. My goal is to find somebody who has the answers (you?) and figure out the best way to deal with my obsessive thoughts.

If you’re having obsessive thoughts, and both you and your doctor acknowledge this to be a problem, then maybe you shouldn’t take your endless doubts about medication at face value. You can’t alleviate obsessive thoughts by entertaining them, which is what you’re doing here.

It’s valuable, of course, to make careful decisions about medication, and your questions would be useful if your medication were really designed to work quickly and help you stay awake. Instead, it’s designed to help you stop obsessing about factors like these, and to do so at its own pace. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »

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