Monogo-mania

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 2, 2014

For people with mood disorders, one of the most dangerous moods is the one for love, because a steady relationship often seems like the reward for getting rid of mood swings or the free pass to feeling better about yourself. The problem, of course, is that it’s much easier to find the kind of love that will make your disorder worse than it is to find something that will last and survive real life problems, including your moods. So don’t hunt for love as a feel-good prize or cure. Instead, accept the fact that it’s a job that takes patience and discipline and, fortunately, can be done even when your mood sucks.
–Dr. Lastname

I used to enjoy being a party girl and having random hook-ups, but since I got sober a year ago, I gave all that up and my life is a lot better. I’m not having big mood swings, I’m working steadily, and I finally feel ready for a serious relationship with someone I really like and respect. Even though I’m sure I’m ready now and excited to find Mr. Right, I get really nervous around guys and never find ones that seem like good choices. My goal is to find a real relationship, because I’m great at meeting people and my mood is a lot steadier, and so I don’t understand why it’s not easier.

Doing a series of shorter road races might be the right way to train for a marathon, but having a series of brief, anonymous sexual encounters is not the best way to prepare for monogamy.

Even a runner knows that you don’t get the same kind of excitement from meters as you do from miles; a sprint is a quick thrill, a marathon can be a painful mess. That’s why, if you’re approaching the search for a longer-term romance with excitement in mind, you’re heading down the wrong path.

Relationships that trigger deep feelings on both sides are, indeed, more exciting, but they’re also far more dangerous, because you have a lot more to lose. All you have to lose after a one-night stand is your favorite underwear (and possibly your STD-free status).

Most people, even those who haven’t been through it in their families, know rationally how difficult divorce can be on kids and parents, in terms that range from emotional to logistical to financial, and that’s when it’s amicable. If it’s not amicable, there’s the emotional trauma of fighting an intimate enemy while knowing every blow is falling on the kids, and every moment of negotiation is a billable hour.

All these warnings might seem a little premature, but these are the things you need to remind yourself before you even beginning your search. Your history indicates that you might be following your heart over your brain, and while your heart may lead you to the one person you feel can transform your life and give you perpetual happiness, any person you commit to solely on those grounds may be leading you to the courts.

That’s because the heart treats any discordant facts or concern from the brain as a threat to happiness and a kind of unworthy disloyalty. It discourages you from thinking about the other things that matter, like a person’s previous relationships, money management, and ability to tolerate your less lovable traits.

You’re right to be nervous, but wrong to expect you’ll find someone easily who is actually a good match, unless you’re very lucky. If you’re looking for love, you’re almost sure to find Mr. Wrong, and that’s just if you’re lucky enough not to meet Mr. Yikes first. If you’re looking for a good partner, however, take care to get to know someone before letting yourself go.

Congratulations on getting sober and learning good mood maintenance. Be careful, however, not to make love your new drug of choice.

Instead, put a lid on your loneliness and love-yearnings and learn how to do careful screening. That’s the best way to end up with a good relationship that will make it to the finish line.

STATEMENT:
“I feel ready for a real relationship, but I know how easy it is to get closely attached to the wrong person. Having learned how to be sober, I will put up with loneliness until I find someone who has the qualities and track record I know are required.”

I’ve been depressed since I was a teenager, and it’s always made it hard for me to meet people or get a date. Medications helped a bit, and I’m good at hiding my depression most of the time, so people respect me at work. I’m not good at smiling or small talk though, so now that I’m out of school, it’s easy for me to stay in my cubicle and avoid people. Ironically, if I could get a real, adult relationship going, I know my mood would probably improve. My goal is to figure out how to meet someone.

Depression often makes people feel as if they’d just like to be alone, while at the same time reducing their ability to be lively and spontaneous and giving them a negative opinion of how they appear to others and perform in social situations. It’s not surprising then that many depressed people who happen to have this sub-set of symptoms develop bad habits about avoiding people, which them makes them lonely and less confident, which just keeps their mood and confidence spiraling on down the toilet. Depression has a way of getting you down and then kicking you even further.

You’ve obviously done a good job of moving ahead in most areas of your life by trying treatments while getting out of the house every day and working. You haven’t let depression stop or define you.

On the other hand, you need to change your social behavior if you want to find friends and a partner, and imagining how a partner would make you feel better probably won’t help.

It’s like imagining how a good friendship would help you stop drinking, while drinking prevents you from finding a good friendship. You simply have to find a way to come out of your cubicle by yourself, without waiting for someone to take you by the hand and lead the way.

Don’t make the mistake of defining your social worth in terms of social attractiveness, because what ultimately makes a friend valuable has more to do with character and caring than charisma, and people who’ve learned how to live with depression are often rich in these qualities. So your goal isn’t to change or find a prince, but to overcome your bad habits and find ways to mingle and let chemistry take its course.

Find a therapist who’s a good friendship and dating coach, and don’t wait until you feel better before pushing yourself to be more social. Define a good social regimen right away and move towards it one step at a time. It won’t be comfortable, but achieving your own goals for social behavior will give you new opportunities for finding a relationship, a new pride in your ability to fight, and ignore, depression, and an upward trajectory out of your cubicle and the depressive cycle.

STATEMENT:
“I seldom feel social, and I’m never confident in my social skills, but I know I can be a good friend. Even with the handicaps of depression, I can improve my social behavior and give myself a chance for a less lonely life.”