Family Guile

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 5, 2014

While they don’t have to deal with diapers, tantrums, or the mysterious stains of adolescence, childless adults have major child-related problems of their own, namely the longing for children or the longing for people to stop bugging them about not having kids. In either case, whether you’re fending off potential disappointment or unavoidable disapproval of any nature, make sure you believe in the value of your goal. Then prepare yourself to accept your lack of control of everything else and to respect yourself for going ahead anyway, with or without a baby on board.
–Dr. Lastname

All I’ve ever really wanted is to get married and have a family since my parents had a messy divorce and my dad left. Despite that, I feel like I’m constantly single and constantly being rejected. I’m getting older and feel like the only thing I really want in life I can’t have. I don’t feel like I have a purpose. How do I stop feeling sad about this and enjoy my life for what it is?

Your wish to raise a stable family of your own is the best way imaginable of trying to make the world a better place, particularly when you know the pains and burdens of growing up with nasty conflict, insecurity, and uncertainty about the future. You’re doing everything you can do, despite repeated rejection, to make your wish come true.

The problem of course, is that it’s just that—a wish. Which means you just don’t control whether or not it will actually happen.

So don’t let negative thinking mess up what you have, and might yet, accomplish. Just because it’s out of your control doesn’t mean it’s beyond hope.

If, after getting dumped a few times, you tell yourself you can’t have the life you want and that you’ve lost your purpose, you’re discouraging yourself and devaluing your efforts. It may be human nature to say these things, particularly if your needs are frustrated and disappointed, but that kind of negative thinking can be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Instead, remind yourself that your goals are good, you’re trying hard, and you’ve learned a lot. It’s true, you don’t control whether you’ll find a good partner, but you can be more selective in the way you look for one, protecting yourself from wasted efforts and tears, while also putting together a budget that would allow you to raise a child as a single parent. If you’ve learned how to manage your own needs and still wish to create the kind of family you wish you’d had, you don’t need a partner to do it.

If you’re still looking for the loving family you never had, you won’t get far; you can’t undo the past and neediness will impair your selectivity. If, however, you want to build a loving family to save someone else from having your childhood experiences, then you’re off to a good start.

There are any ways of proceeding that don’t require you to first find the perfect someone or the ideal marriage; even if you can’t make your wish come true, you can still achieve your goal.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m no closer to a happy family than ever, but I know what kind of family I’d like to build and, if I can keep my needs and disappointment under control, there’s lots I’ve done and can do to get me there.”

My husband and I never wanted kids, and we’re really very happy together, but we get no end of grief from our parents about how we lead selfish lives and will leave nothing behind. Over the years, it’s become painful to attend family events because I know what they’re thinking. If we don’t want kids, they think we should do more for our nephews and nieces but, the truth is, we don’t like kids. My goal is to either get my family to accept the fact that we want to live a kid-less life or to stop from caring what they think.

It’s probably impossible to adopt values that contradict those of your parents without running into painful conflict. Maybe there are a few parents out there who have the wisdom and restraint to tolerate a kid who goes off in a direction they don’t like or understand, but they have yet to be discovered. Most rely on their instinctive sense of what’s familiar, based on what’s normal in their family and immediate community, without the benefit of courses in diversity training. A kid who doesn’t share their beliefs is one they failed to get through to.

In addition, we all tend to regard values as mainly voluntary, when they are, in part, neurological. In other words, people who don’t like kids may have acquired their feelings from childhood experience, but they may also be reacting to the unique ways their brains process information, including loud noises and baby social cues. Quite apart from any bad child-rearing experiences, your brain may just be telling you that you don’t value kids because you don’t feel good being around them.

Accept that it’s of often impossible to explain to a family of natural child-rearers why you don’t have the desire to raise the next generation, and it’s not because of selfishness or a lack of confidence. Similarly, accept that it’s impossible not to care what they think. Now you’re ready to build the best boundary you can, meaning the best compromise between basic contact and excessive communication.

Decide how much contact is necessary to express your love and desire for family connectedness; take the long view, rather than being overly influenced by hurt feelings. Then develop polite statements that indicate your refusal to talk about kids or any other topic you think is no one’s business but your own, calmly acknowledging their feelings on the topic while making it clear you have no wish to discuss it.

Never define yourself in terms of what you don’t do (see case above). With or without kids, it’s never easy in life to make your own way, take care of your own responsibilities, be a good friend and partner, and stay on course as life throws its unbelievable shit at you, as it always does. So stand up for your own childless values, make it clear that comments are not welcome, and become a diversity trainer of one.

STATEMENT:
“I sometimes feel like I haven’t done the things my family believe are right, but I’ve lived long enough to know what’s meaningful for me and to believe the challenges in pursuing my own values are more than sufficiently tough and significant. I will stand by what I believe, regardless of what my family thinks, and use their opinions to help me refine my own sense of what I value in life.”