An Irrational Crisis

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 3, 2014

Most crises, be they familial or international, involve so many moving parts and wildcard personalities that any one person’s power to keep the peace is limited. That’s why, no matter what the family crisis, or whether it’s in the development or fall out stage, don’t make yourself too responsible for running clean up and sustaining or restoring family peace. If you do, you’ll probably fail, because assuming too much responsibility will just make you mad and wind up adding to the conflict. So, instead of trying to save the day/family name from your own personal Putin, give thought to what you actually control and, within that limit, do what a good person should do for his/her family. You will seldom help your family as much as you’d wish, but you’ll come away satisfied that you did your part in the rescue effort and can ignore the rest.
–Dr. Lastname

I get along OK with my sister, but she’s always been socially retarded with a special ability to always say the wrong thing. She’s been a visiting professor abroad for the last year, but she’s back in this country on a sabbatical, where she’s spent most of her time with a guy down south whom she met online, and I don’t much like. Now she suddenly wants to come up to visit me, but she chose the weekend I was going to hang out with my younger brother, whom I also rarely get to see. Plus, I know my brother had something he wanted to talk over, and I hate the old feeling of having my sister come by when she wants to, leaving me with no choice, though she’s been in the country for a month with some sketchy jerk in Florida. My parents want me to see her because they hate the idea of our family not spending time with one another and they don’t want her feelings to get hurt. My goal is to figure out what to do with her that will satisfy family obligations without ruining my time with my brother, whom I want to see, and he has things to say I want to hear.

You may think your sister is socially retarded, but she has some serious skills if she’s able to create, for you, a good ol’ emotional perfect storm; she’s managed to make you feel angry, guilty for feeling angry, and angry for feeling guilty, all at once. If anything, she’s an anti-social savant.

The path out of the storm, of course, is to think hard about your own standards for deciding what’s right, rather than stewing on how various people are going to feel, including yourself.

Begin by assessing the importance of your sister’s visit as a way of connecting and being part of the family, adding up the time since your last visit, the availability of other opportunities, and the probable impact on her of saying “no.” Yes, it would be fairer if she’d given you more warning or asked whether you’d mind, but assuming that she can’t help being insensitive to social signals any more than she can help being un-fun, you’ll have to decide based on your values, the facts of the situation, and your assessment of her real vulnerability.

Then be a good brother, by your own definition, regardless of likes or dislikes. Don’t expect yourself to like her more than you do, because feelings can’t be helped, or to take responsibility for her happiness if she is particularly needy and unhappy. Do however, expect a minimum commitment of time yearly, together with friendly, polite behavior.

Finally, if you remain uncertain about the importance of this get-together, talk to her about it. Let her know you miss her because it’s been too long, and you know she also wants to see her other brother, but, because your plans are complicated, you wonder if she could do it later. If she can’t, you’ll make it work.

If you decide to get together, don’t tell yourself or your parents that you’re doing it for them or her; you’re doing it because it meets your standards for family management. If you decide not to get together and your parents criticize you, let them know you share their priorities, but feel the meeting could be postponed. You can’t promise no one will feel hurt, excluded, or disappointed, but you will always do your best to sustain regular, positive contact.

Family dynamics are frequently stormy, but that doesn’t mean you have to let your sister’s cluelessness sink you. Do your own assessment of what’s appropriate and you’ll make it through to still waters, even if they’re only in your mind.

STATEMENT:
“I hate that old feeling of having my sister walk into the room and suck up all the oxygen when all I wanted was a good talk with my friends, but I’m an adult now and I really have control over my life. I will decide how much contact is necessary while ignoring criticism that comes from her neediness or oversensitivity.”

I don’t know what to do know now that my son has outed my brother as a sexual molester. I know my son feels that his uncle molested him when he was four, and he’s probably right, and I wish I had known about it at the time. But my brother is a little slow (he had a seizure disorder for years that really messed him up), and since the incident happened 30 years ago, I don’t see why my son thought it would do any good to bring it up now. I didn’t see it coming, but ever since my son made the announcement back at Christmas, my family has been in shambles. My goal is to figure out how to survive the situation.

Regardless of how responsible you may feel for not having protected your son from being molested 30 years ago, don’t make yourself responsible for the mess now; you have no control over what anyone else does or feels, now or then, and the past is done. Instead, ask yourself what you think your son’s goals should be in this situation.

If he thought that outing his uncle would help undo the damage, he should ask himself whether it worked and was worth the cost. No, you’re not questioning the validity of his pain—and you share it—but you want him to consider whether confrontation was worthwhile if your uncle didn’t really accept responsibility, or change how he thought, or if it wasn’t necessary for protecting future victims. On the other hand, if confrontation strengthened your son’s confidence or reduced his fear, it may have had value.

Applying the same standard to future events, your son would have good reason to ask you to exclude his uncle if he found contact very traumatic. On the other hand, if he could tolerate his uncle’s presence (as he has for many years), he and the family might gain more from including your brother in family gatherings rather than shunning him. Your first question is what, if anything, helps your son’s recovery.

Having thought through your priorities, ask your son what he thinks will be best for him and for the family, in that order. Let him know that his recovery matters most and that you’re prepared to exclude your brother if his presence triggers severe symptoms.

Whatever you do, you probably can’t ease your son’s pain about this trauma or provide him with significant relief. You can, however, urge him not to immerse himself in negative or helpless feelings and to judge carefully what will help him most in the long run. You’re not responsible for the situation, but you can do your part to help your son heal.

STATEMENT:
“I feel helpless and guilty about not having been able to protect my son from serious trauma, but I will not let myself be crippled by guilt. I will support him in doing what’s best for his recovery, while urging him to avoid actions that make him feel like a victim.”