Control Peak

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2013

If you’ve ever driven in bad weather and started to lose control of your car, you know that your instincts, for better or worse, are to panic and let the wheel spin where it may or grip the wheel with white knuckles and try to overpower nature itself. Sadly, a lot of people react the same way when tragedy sets their own lives skidding off course, and no matter how much you understand their pain, you can’t stop them when they begin to slide. If that happens, however, to someone you share a life with, you may be able to straighten them out by following through on your own priorities and assuring them that your way, and your support, will help them retake their place at the wheel.
–Dr. Lastname

I know he can’t help it, but my husband has become a control freak and I can’t stand it. It started when our daughter was born with cystic fibrosis. She’s has been in an out of the hospital her whole life and the stress for us as parents is often overwhelming. My husband does an amazing job of keeping us organized and getting our daughter to her appointments—he was going to be a stay-at-home dad even before she got sick—but he’s also become overbearing and picky about everything we do, especially everything I do, which isn’t the way he was when we first married. I hate to criticize him when I know what’s driving him crazy and our first priority is sticking together, but I find I’m angry at him all the time and sad that we can never be close. Just because I’m not as obsessive as he is about our daughter doesn’t mean I don’t care. What can I do?

Let’s assume, for the moment, that you’ve gone through your best attempts to get your husband to see that he has become too controlling; you’ve tried to find him an ear, show him respect, and done everything short of shaking him really hard, all to no avail. In his campaign to control everything, he can’t control himself.

While getting physical is always a bad idea, so is trying to get persuasive. Instead, use your modest powers to draw the line and give him a hard time if he crosses it. This is the only way to find out whether he’s can learn to hold back for the sake of your marriage, or whether you need to put your marriage on hold.

Begin by deciding where the line should be drawn. When he’s on his own in a situation involving your daughter’s treatment or the household routines for food, school, and socializing, he can do what he wants. When it requires your participation, however, and involves something that matters, do it your way. Don’t protest his rules, just be aware of your own priorities and make him deal with them. While you’re ready to go along with him whenever you agree, do it your own way when you don’t.

Don’t act guilty and defensive if he accuses you of being difficult or undermining his parenting. Instead, be respectful and polite while letting him know that you have good reasons for seeing things differently and having different goals. While you appreciate and respect all he’s done, you’ve noticed that, in trying too hard to be a good father and protect your daughter, he’s pushed aside activities and values that you think are important for your family and marriage and which you intend to preserve. When your rules are different from his, that’s why.

Find a difference that you think is important and stand firm. Your job isn’t to be there for him, but to stand up for the values that you think will be good for the family and let him know you’re there and have to be reckoned with. With luck, after some anguish, his behavior will start to improve.

After it has improved, he may actually admit you’re right (and the Middle East may become peaceful, and pie could become health food). In the meantime, make it clear to him that he can’t control you, but, depending on his willingness to ease up, he can control the fate of your marriage.

STATEMENT:
“I often feel like telling my husband to back off and chill, but I can’t expect him to stop himself. Now I must assert control when I can and when it’s important, expecting that it will cause conflict. I will use that conflict to push for change.”

My son is a good kid who always worked hard in high school, but since his girlfriend dumped him three months ago he’s gone off the rails. Here it is, junior year, when his grades are all-important for college, and he stays in his room playing video games and barely keeping up with his work. I think he’s smoking pot with his friends and he’s certainly gotten an attitude with me and his father. I know he really wants to go to college and that, if he doesn’t get in, it will be one more loss at a time when he’s already helpless. I don’t know what to do for him.

Let’s dispense with the usual assumptions, as above, that you’ve tried to get through to your son in person and through whatever intermediaries you can draft, persuade, or get your insurance to pay for. So suck up your helplessness and prepare to do some heavy duty coaching. You can’t drag your son out of his personal Hermitage, but you can point him in a positive direction and patiently make it worth his while whenever he takes a step in that direction. Think less “scared straight” and more “slowly motivate.”

Like any good coach, don’t tell him that he’s being self-indulgent or self-destructive; the real bad guy here is the adult world, and he’s now being introduced to its realm of pain, loss, and fucking yourself up. Heartbreak can be deadly, and only your son knows how bad it feels for him and how far he can push himself. Putting aside your fears of how bad he’s going to mess himself up (a good coach has to be tough), let him know you’re impressed with the fact that he’s going to school and doing some work. You know it’s not easy, but getting your work done when you’re miserable is one of life’s most important survival skills, and you can see he’s got it. Let him know you’re proud of him, even if you’re scared for him, as well.

Warn him that it’s normal, when you’re hurting, to do things that could hurt you more, like doing drugs or hanging out with people who aren’t good for you. It can be hard to control yourself, but from your point of view, he’s currently taking a course now in bad-impulse management, and it’s touch and go. If there’s any way you can help, you will, but this is an important course to pass if you want to graduate to actual adulthood.

Whether he gets into college this year or next doesn’t matter (and yes, saying that will require true toughness). What matters is that he does his best to keep working, keeps himself safe and drug-free, and gets back into the game as soon as he can. Maybe it will be better for him to work for a year—work is the best therapy when you’re trying to get over someone—but whatever he’s doing, he’ll be OK if he can just give it time and keep himself out of trouble. Then he won’t need to be scared into doing anything, and neither will you.

STATEMENT:
“I’m scared for my son and would do anything to help him feel better, but I can’t protect him from the pain of a broken heart or stop him from hurting himself. I will remind him of who he is, what he’s accomplished, and what he really wants for himself. I’ll challenge despair with hope for his future as a broken-heart survivor.”