Good Credit

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 6, 2012

If you want to get out of a personal or professional rut, don’t bother obsessing over why you’re there, why it’s there, and why you’re so terrible that all ruts everywhere are all your fault. Instead, force yourself to ignore the negative feelings you have about your performance and personality in favor of fair, balanced criticism. If you’re as objective, careful and compassionate in judging yourself as you would someone else, regardless of what you’d really like to tell yourself, you’ll become much more effective, not just at keeping yourself out of ruts, but keeping your sanity and self-respect. If everyone could do that, I’d be forced out of a job.
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t know why I’m so stuck with my life. I’ve had good training and I’m good with people, but I’ve got a nothing job that barely pays the rent, where everyone is nice and likes me but I’m dying of boredom. I have the skills to work someplace else, I just can’t get myself moving on a job search because it seems scary and difficult and I’d probably mess things up. Meanwhile, I can’t get over missing the girl I was dating, though I knew she was a serial dumper when I started dating her so I had no reason to complain when she dumped me. But if she gave me a booty call tonight, I probably wouldn’t say no. I’m stupid and terrible and my goal is to figure out why.

There you are, as well equipped as anyone to venture forth in the world, but can’t let go of what you’ve got—mediocre job and girlfriend—and, worse yet, you tell yourself you’re sure to mess things up if you do. Scared if you do and scared if you don’t, so you stay put and discuss the fear.

Lots of people think that if they analyze why and how they hurt, they’ll start to feel better, but ruminating over why you’re hurt isn’t actually doing anything; it’s like putting your hand in a flame because you’re drawn to fire, then keeping it there until you can talk out why it’s so painful. Words are (literally) not a salve.

The truth is that there’s a lot you’re doing right, but you need to give yourself some marching orders and try to follow them. You’re stewing, then stewing about stewing, and talking with friends and writing a shrink about stewing, which just adds to the stew. You need to stew less and do more.

So stop telling yourself how stuck you are and start figuring out what needs to be done. You don’t need to know your destination, just some criteria for what make a particular option worth exploring. For instance, there’s nothing but heartache in hanging out with an ex-girlfriend who is sure to jilt you, and talking about her is a way of hanging onto her when you’re well aware that you should drop her before you try again and let her re-dump you.

It’s a waste of time then to knock yourself for being weak-willed or figure out why you’re an idiot. Instead, decide whether she’s worth resisting, and then make a plan. Managing your urges, not obsessing over them, is the only acceptable topic.

If necessary, find a job coach or a peer group of job-seekers who will require you to draw up your search plan and encourage you to stick with it. You can tell them not to listen to you if you want to complain about your failures or depart from an agenda of specific tasks, timelines, and periodic assessments of how well you’ve met practical expectations.

The part of you that tells you and others how helpless you are is not to be trusted or indulged. Stick to a constructive agenda and trust in the fact that you have skills and good methods for fighting bad habits and keeping yourself from getting burned.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t stop thinking and talking about how disappointed I am in myself, but I know I do fine when I have structure and that I have little to lose and much to gain by moving on. I will focus on stopping bad behaviors rather than expressing bad feelings.”

I feel like the world’s biggest loser because I’m working at a job I hate and haven’t moved ahead in 5 years. I got nowhere in school because they said I was learning disabled, but I tried some college courses and, no matter how many times I read things over, I just couldn’t get information into my head. I’ve always worked full time, but at every job I’ve tried people tell me I’m a hard worker but they just can’t promote me because my skills aren’t good enough. When I’m sure I can’t get ahead, I try a different job, but I always run into a brick wall. So here I am at 40, a single guy making not much more than 10 years ago and just barely supporting myself. Everything I’ve done has failed. My goal is to figure out why I’m such a loser.

Just because you (and the person above) are angry, afraid, or lacking in confidence, you shouldn’t tell yourself you’re incapable of moving forward when it isn’t true. Remember the friendship test: never tell yourself something you wouldn’t tell a friend in the same situation, because someone who hears a friend call themselves worthless and tells the friend they’re right isn’t that person’s friend, but a huge asshole.

Your story tells me that you’re amazingly persistent and hardworking; normally, when a learning disability causes as much frustration and humiliation as yours has, people stop trying to find work or success and look for unhealthy ways to make themselves happy. You, on the other hand, seem to give each job your best and, if one doesn’t work out, you try something new and different. I can’t think of a better plan or a more successful execution.

Sure, your luck sucks, but you can’t help the fact that your brain absorbs information like Teflon. You’re doing your best to be financially independent, take care of yourself, and find the right niche. You’ve got the right values, but even the best people can have the wrong mojo.

You can’t help feeling angry and frustrated, but don’t let those feelings hijack your tongue. You’re not responsible for your pain; life is. You’re responsible for bearing it without compromising your principles and, so far, you’re right on course.

So don’t take out your frustration on yourself. To work as hard as you have and to keep on working, without seeing any tangible reward, is simply amazing, so stand up straight and treat yourself with respect. If you have to work harder at anything, it’s telling your inner-shitty friend to can it.

STATEMENT:
“I may never get much money or respect, but I know what I’ve done with what I’ve got, and I’ve been true to what I believe.”