Twist and Doubt

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 25, 2012

Sometimes it’s healthier to be plagued by self-doubt than blessed by a sense of righteous self-certainty. Sure, self-doubt hurts, but it never has to stop you from making good decisions, just from feeling good about them. And while self-certainty is an amazingly good local anesthetic for self-doubt, it can also make you impervious to criticism or the input you need to make good moral choices. Take comfort then if you tend to question your decisions, because it’s better to feel doubt and think twice than to be too confident to think at all.
–Dr. Lastname

I can’t make a decision without second-guessing myself a hundred times. Like, I recently decided to finally buy a classic car, which was being offered at a reasonable price (I’m a fan of the manufacturer, did my research, and have generally been planning this for a long time). When I found that someone else had offered the asking price, I put in a bid that was a good deal higher, and got it. Now I think the higher purchase price was justified, but I could have taken my time and tried to negotiate a lower price, and then I would have been more satisfied. I can’t stop thinking of what might have happened. I just wish I was more decisive and sure of myself.

There’s not much point in second-guessing your second-guessing tendencies unless you want to punish yourself for having a second-guessing-style mind, and that would be cruel (and confusing, since you’re fourth-guessing yourself at this point).

You may not like second-guessers, but here’s one truth you need to accept at face value; since you happen to be a chronic self-doubter, you’d better learn to be nice to them, because that’s what you have to live with.

If second-guessing were interfering with your ability to take reasonable risks as you go ahead with your life, work, and relationships, then you’d have a problem, but from what you’re telling me, that’s not actually the case. You followed a good process in making your car purchasing decision, and while you can’t guarantee it will turn out well—no one controls the results of even their best decision—you researched the classic car market and knew that you did not radically overpay. Second-guessing might be torturing you, but it didn’t stop you from taking reasonable action or hold you back from doing something that meant a lot to you.

So don’t ask yourself (or me, or your poor spouse) why you’re a second-guesser because that’s just another way of trying to expunge something from your personality that you don’t like while giving yourself a task you can’t possibly accomplish. Even if you find out why you second-guess—you’re scarred after choosing a bad haircut that humiliated you in high school, or the wrong finger-paint in kindergarten, or the wrong sperm to inseminate your egg-self, whatever—it’s a waste of time since it’s not going to change who you are now.

Instead, take pride in the way you make reasonable decisions in spite of the pain that second-guessing causes you. You’ve got the second-guessing under control, and it’s not your biggest problem, so instead, aim your sights on your bigger issue, which is overcoming your intolerance of second-guessing.

You’ve got good decision-making methods, and when the second-guessing starts, remind yourself that you followed good procedures, your decision made sense, and you’re proud you made it regardless of how things turn out.

You can’t control the outcome of your choices after they’re made, but if you keep making them the right way, one guess is all you’ll need.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being a self-doubter, but it doesn’t stop me for a moment. I’m obviously able to tolerate the pain and make good decisions. So, really, self-doubt does not control me and I need not fear it.”

My father always expected me to join the family business, and now that I’ve gotten my MBA and become a partner, it seems like he wishes I wasn’t there; he likes to make all the important decisions himself and ignores my advice when I come to him with problems. His employees tell me their problems because he doesn’t listen, but then I can’t get him to listen to me, either. If I complain, he tells me he built this business and he knows what he’s doing. If I suggest an improvement, he cuts the conversation short. My goal is to get through to him without making him feel criticized.

Before going into business with anyone, let alone your father, figure out what you hope to get out of it; I’m hoping you didn’t go into business with your father to make him happy, get close to him, or duck guilty feelings of responsibility (because you don’t need an MBA to do that, or even common sense). More likely, you wanted to make money and thought he’d be a good guy to work with.

Ask yourself whether you have a better way of making a living, in terms of making the money you need, doing work you’re good at, and working with people you like. Do the market research, assess your needs, create a Powerpoint if necessary. Your father’s ineffective leadership, while annoying, is at least bad enough to relieve you of any guilt you might feel for wanting to leave. Add all that up and rate your job accordingly.

Now that you’ve compiled a list of pros and cons, address your feelings. You have a right to feel that your father has unfairly broken his promise, but he clearly doesn’t feel that way and will give you a hard time if you say otherwise. You’d like to protect the business and its workers and should ask yourself if/when you’ll have the power to do things your way, but for now, you don’t have the power, and trying will start a fight you can’t win, so aggravation is futile. Those angry feelings, now duly addressed, can be put away. There’s nothing good you can do with them that involves sharing them with your father or stewing on them any longer.

If you decide it’s a wise and necessary choice to stay in his business, make the best of it by avoiding unwinnable battles and responsibility for problems you can’t influence. Write a job description that keeps you useful, busy, and as far away from your father as possible, then do it and collect your paycheck, at least until something better comes along.

Above all, take pride in what you do. You have a right to feel disappointed and humiliated but, as long as you’re doing your best to make a living, bear these difficult feelings proudly. You didn’t go to work to be respected; you work so you can respect yourself and make a respectable living, regardless of where it takes you and what boss, familial or otherwise, you have to work with.

STATEMENT:
“I expected much more from my job than it has delivered, but I think about it realistically and I do it if necessary. That’s the judgment I’m boss of, and I have no reason to doubt the value of my decision.”