Mate Expectations

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 26, 2012

When your love life hasn’t gone according to plan, leaving you with disappointment instead of devotion, it’s hard not to feel like a failure. The fact is, however, that love is bad luck’s favorite target, even when you do everything right, and that you can have a successful life without a successful marriage. So don’t take it personally if the picture isn’t pretty, and don’t be surprised if your love life is more punishing than pleasant. If you can muster up enough courage and perspective, you can avoid pointless regret and rate yourself according to what you’ve done with love, not what love has done with you.
–Dr. Lastname

I wish I knew why I do so little with my social life. After working hard all day at my own business, having dinner, and then talking on the phone with my grown kids, I just go to bed. I work on Saturday, then do nothing on Sunday. I’ve got some good friends, but they’re married and I’m divorced, so it’s hard to hang out. I’m not lonely, exactly, but I wish I had a steady guy or at least was going out on dates, but I have no desire or energy to meet new people, so, aside from my work (which I do well) and immediate family, I’m not interested in leaving my home. I know I should be putting myself out there if I want a partner, but I can’t seem to care.

If you wonder why you’re not as energetic and active as you used to be, one reason is that you’re old, or at least not young, so you don’t have infinite energy or optimism. You know your time is limited—both day-to-day and on earth in general—so it’s harder to waste it on something you’re not enthusiastic about.

From what you’ve said, however, your schedule seems full by any age standard; you work all day and keep in good touch with your family, so you’ve got good reason to be tired. Your time is well spent, so you feel spent, as well.

I assume you’d say if you were depressed or too disorganized to do anything but work. The leading possibility for your solitude then is that you’re tired and haven’t given yourself a good reason to go dating, and one should only date if there’s a good reason. Otherwise, HBO would make for a better companion.

The bad reason to go dating is the one you see in the beer ads– to laugh, have a good time, and get tipsy. If you’re good at sizing people up and generating positive chemistry without really connecting, then sex ensues without complication. Unfortunately, the few people with these skills are usually men, mostly young, and often gay. If you’re more the connecting type—and older women usually are—then this kind of dating wears you out and sends you back into an even deeper hibernation.

The good reason to go dating is to select a partner, knowing that doing it right is often more work than fun. That’s because screening is necessary to protect yourself from heartache, including whatever bad things happened to your marriage. Screening is a rational, business-like process of saying no to lots of possible candidates so you’ll have time and energy to interview the few who might fill the bill. You need energy and discipline to avoid the sexy, fun people who don’t meet the necessary character requirements. If screening is too much fun, you’re probably not doing it right.

If you want a partner, commit time to the project. Draw up a list of necessary qualifications, focusing on character traits that make a partnership last and strengths that would compensate for your weaknesses. Don’t mention or even think about beaches, sunsets, or the ability to make a frittata. Then choose a search booster, such as the internet or a social club.

Don’t assume you need to enjoy going out to go out, or that you need to go out, period. If you do your homework and know what you’re looking for, you’ll have better luck, you won’t get worn down, and you’ll find the search meaningful, regardless of how it turns out.

If you don’t have the oomph to put in the work, it’s only because your energy is already put to good use elsewhere. Just because you lack a partner doesn’t mean your life is lacking, so if you can’t start a solid search, start to appreciate what you’ve got.

STATEMENT:
“Compared to my old social self, I seem tired and listless—the true death of a party, if I bothered to attend—but I’m also older and wiser and know I could enjoy a good partnership. I’ll rely on my experience and discipline to look for the right person, and save the socializing for opportunities that might pay off with more than a fun evening and a hangover.”

It’s been 10 years since I discovered my wife’s long history of serial infidelity and divorced her, but I still think of her occasionally with the feeling that I’ve ruined my life. We were together for 20 years and I loved her, never suspecting anything, and then she took lots of my money and a good piece of my heart. Now I keep busy and have a good social life but, every now and then when I’m blue, I feel that my train got derailed, I can’t make sense of what happened, and nothing has seemed right since. My goal is to get over that feeling.

Discovering that your long-term partner isn’t really the person you thought she was can be shattering. It’s not just a loss of love and a certain way of life, it’s feeling like you’ve lost your ability to see the world accurately, protect yourself, and know whom to trust. Suddenly, your marriage seems like the Matrix.

More fundamentally, you can no longer trust your ability to know what’s meaningful and what’s predatory. In case you think you’re alone, think of all the novels and films made about this phenomenon. You’ve been stripped of a pillar of your self-confidence, and you have to build yourself back up. At least you’re just searching for your self-esteem and not a one-armed man.

Begin by asking whether you missed seeing flaws in your ex that were obvious to others. My guess is that you didn’t or you would have mentioned it, so, there’s nothing wrong with your ability to read people. What’s wrong is with the world, not you, and while that makes things seem worse, it’s actually better to be scared of the world rather than of yourself.

Review your own conduct. It hurts to lose love and trust, but it’s more dangerous to act like an asshole. If you didn’t, as I assume, then you’re not the one who has to worry about himself. You’re hurting, but your character is fine. You feel terrible having to live without your wife, but better that than being your wife and having to live with yourself.

So, instead of cursing yourself for catastrophes you couldn’t have predicted, respect what you’ve done with this experience. You haven’t retreated from life and relationships or changed your values. You’re a good survivor, so don’t be afraid to get back on the horse if you haven’t already. At this point, you’re probably better at spotting danger than most people since you’ve been well trained. Follow the usual procedures (see above) and try to find someone good without exposing yourself to the “fun” of close encounters with people who can’t be real friends. You’ve had enough of that for many lifetimes.

You’ve been traumatized, yes, but not derailed, and while you feel cheated, you’ve actually been released. Don’t expect the wounds to disappear, but instead of fixating on how you got hurt, respect what you’ve done with the scars.

STATEMENT:
“I may never feel as comfortable and confident as I did before I was betrayed, but I know I’m not a fool, I haven’t lost my ability to be a good friend, and I won’t stop looking for and building good relationships.”