Feelbreaker

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 27, 2011

You may love someone who loves you back, and you may want to live happily ever after, and you may have your appointment for “bridalplasty” all lined up, but there are many obstacles that can make partnership impossible. Sometimes it’s some unchangeable aspect of personality, sometimes it’s a life situation, either way, it’s a heart-shaped brick wall. Instead of trying to amp up the love that’s supposed to conquer all, figure out what else you need and accept that you need it. Sadly, when it comes to love, love is not enough, and not even liposuction can make it better.
-Dr. Lastname

I thought my problems were over when, a few months ago, I met an attractive, recently single guy who seemed very interested in me and talked openly about my being the sort of guy he’d like to marry (I’ve been burned too many times by younger guys who seem interested for awhile and then just get bored). Recently, however, I got spooked by the way he made several big choices without telling me or asking my opinion, like buying a house. I was shocked, and while he told me I could decorate the place anyway I wanted so I could feel at home, I was still emotional about him making such a big decision without even telling me. When I asked him to examine why he’d done it, he suddenly got mad and told me he didn’t need a lot of drama in a relationship and maybe we should take a break. I was shocked. I don’t want to break up; but my goal is to understand this relationship and make it work.

Just as dating should lead to marriage, the next step after fighting is supposed to be communicating and understanding one another’s position. In a fair world, this would be true. Alas, we haven’t even located that solar system yet.

If you can’t reach an understanding and instead seem to be triggering a breakup with someone who has, until now, been loving and generous, it’s natural to doubt yourself and wonder what you’ve done wrong. It’s also natural to not use deodorant—doesn’t mean you should.

Again, in a fair world, no true friend would threaten to break up with you unless you said something terrible, but that rule holds currency only in a galaxy far, far away.

Instead of expressing your feelings, or trying to reach an understanding with your boyfriend, or assuming that the problem is all yours, respect the fact that you’re onto something important. Imagine hypothetical situations in which not being informed would make it hard for you to work with or trust someone. After all, it’s not a big deal if you feel a little humiliated because someone doesn’t keep you in the loop, but it is a big deal if the lack of information costs you money or prevents you from making important choices.

Then, nose around to find out how well your boyfriend shares information with people he works with or who work for him. Watch how he manages control issues with his exes. Look for whether he has an ability to share information, compromise over disagreements, and tolerate criticism and humiliation without immediately going to war.

Once you’re comfortable with your own standards, let him know what you expect. Don’t try to understand him or get him to see what’s bothering you, just spell out the behavior that you require and shut up. Then see what happens and prepare for some harsh truths.

It’s possible he’ll do better if he knows where you stand, even if he doesn’t understand or like your position. If not, you probably can’t have the kind of partnership that you’d like or need.

He was probably sincere about all the good things he wants to do with you, but his personality, along with an unfair world, might make those promises impossible to keep. Better to find out sooner than later, even if it sends you crashing back to earth.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t have a partner sandbag me with major decisions and then try to kiss away or ignore my anger; that won’t work. I’ll make it clear I need advance warning and that, if I don’t like his choice, I won’t go along with it. I won’t argue or insist on explanations or suggest his motives are bad. I’ll accept his response, assume that’s the way things will be, and decide whether I can work with it.”

My girlfriend was crazy about me and appreciated everything I did with her daughter, and I felt we could be good partners. Sure, her daughter is a holy terror who looks at me as a threat and refuses to follow any rules, including her mother’s. I feel sorry for her though because her father was abusive, and I love kids and am sure I could give her love and firmness. My girlfriend acts as if I’m a healing angel. What’s happened, however, now that we live together, is that I do lots of babysitting for a kid who hates me and won’t listen to me while my girlfriend catches up on her work and tells me I’m a godsend. While my girlfriend is getting her work done, I don’t think I’m getting through to her kid. My goal is to figure out what went wrong and try to make it right.

The Superbowl for nurturing people is to rescue a kid and bring a family together, but remember, the more wonderful and warm the surge of feelings you get from this idea, the more you need to watch out and keep your wits about you.

The problem isn’t with your ideals; there’s nothing more meaningful than turning a kid around and changing chaos and trauma into a safe, orderly, loving home. Unfortunately, love is not the powerful, all-transforming force that people say it is, and there are many kids whom even a super-parent can’t cure.

Yes, you’ve probably heard some wise child guidance expert say “there’s no such thing as a bad kid; just a misguided parent,” and I wish that expert wasn’t full of shit.

The fact is, there are many kids who, for whatever reason, can’t be turned around by perfect parenting, lots of love, and the latest treatment. It’s always worth trying, but, if you aren’t ready to recognize the possibility of failure, you can get yourself into a real mess.

Put aside your healing-angel fantasies and start assessing this family as a prospective job and your girlfriend as a co-manager. Ask yourself whether you have the time and energy to raise a difficult child given your other priorities, whether your girlfriend’s contribution is sufficient and fits well with your style, and whether your efforts, if they’re tough now, are likely to succeed later. Be realistic about your own needs and limitations as well as hers.

Don’t feel guilty if the job doesn’t seem likely to work out. There are few better ways of getting depressed and losing yourself and your self-esteem than taking on responsibility for a troubled kid and a not-entirely-functional parent-partner (there are also few better ways for me to get business).

Sadly, even if you do your best, it’s possible that not even the Tom Brady of nurturers could pull this one off.

STATEMENT:
“I would love to help my girlfriend raise her daughter, and I can’t imagine continuing our relationship otherwise; but I don’t yet know whether it’s possible and whether we can work well together on a task I can’t do by myself. I’ll give it a try and respect myself for trying, however things work out. If they don’t, I will be sad, but not defeated.”