Reconcilable Differences

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 27, 2010

Defining what makes a marriage successful isn’t an easy task; for some, marital success is starting a family, or running a business, or just living under one roof without poisoning each other’s oatmeal. No matter what your definition of success, however, marriage is often painful, even when it’s doing you and others a lot of good, and even when you’re being a pretty good partner. So don’t buy into the idea that an unhappy marriage is necessarily a bad marriage or a sign that you’re failing or even that you made a bad decision. A marriage can feel crappy but still be fruitful, productive, and not lethal.
–Dr. Lastname

My partner and I have been running a successful restaurant together for almost ten years, and while it’s usually a smooth operation, he does this thing when we’re under pressure of interrupting whatever I’m doing whenever he needs help, as if what he’s doing is always more important. If I’m not too busy, it’s not a problem, but usually I am pretty busy since business is good, and I can’t drop everything to meet his needs. I try to explain to him why I have to finish what I’m doing and how he’s being unfair or throwing off my timing, but it never gets through, and he either sounds bossy or hurt or both, and it’s humiliating in front of our employees. I don’t think it will destroy our personal or professional partnership, but it drives me crazy and my goal is to get him to stop.

It’s safe to say that your partner wouldn’t come to you if he didn’t think his issues were extremely pressing, so good luck convincing him to stop bothering you about said issues. What you see as a petty problem, he sees as an international crisis.

So, according to him, his demands are necessary and fair, unlike your tone. If he’s believed that for ten years, he’s not going to stop now.

The one thing you may have a little more control of—though only a little—is your own sensitivity to his words. If you cook a dish at a different temperature, it makes a big difference.

After all, you’re not telling me that his way of divvying up your workload leads to botched and unfinished dinners; you’re saying it’s the emotional impact that bothers you. If his words didn’t make you feel anxious or guilty or humiliated, they wouldn’t destroy the restaurant.

The problem with trying to get him to stop, or understand why he should stop, is that it makes his words and opinion more important to you while, at the same time, increasing his anxiety that something important won’t get done because you’re not understanding, and maybe making him feel humiliated. The more you want to show him he should shut up, the more he’s going to go off.

Instead, think through your definition of what makes a demand legitimately urgent, regardless of whom it comes from. As you suggested, it depends partly on your own availability, as well as your estimate of your partner’s workload, your commitment to doing your share, and the objective consequences of not helping.

Remember, not helping will probably make you feel guilty no matter what you do, even if your partner doesn’t accuse you of being unhelpful, uncaring, or a jerk, and it will certainly create some interpersonal frost. Your goal then isn’t to protect yourself from painful feelings, at least not in the short run.

Instead, it’s to know that you can say no, when necessary, while accepting the pain and minimizing the damage. Stay at a low simmer, and nobody will get burned.

STATEMENT:
Then compose a formula for saying no, politely, and discouraging further discussion.
“I’d like to help you, but I’m doing something now that I can’t stop and don’t want to explain why I can’t stop, but I’ll get back to you the moment I can, and now I’ve got to focus on what I’m doing. I know you disagree with my priorities but sometimes we’ve got to agree to disagree, and this is one of those times. “

I sometimes feel very disconnected from my husband and wonder whether we should ever have married. I had my doubts at the time of our wedding but, as usual, I just went along with things. Now, here we are, 25 years and 2 kids later, and I wonder if we just stay married because divorce would upset the kids—who are great, by the way, and very independent—or disturb our friends, or just be a lot of trouble. Meanwhile, there are many days when I feel pushed to the side by his compulsive working and playing golf and reading reports, and then there are times when we happen to spend a lot of time together, and talk about the kids, and it feels OK. My goal is to figure out what I want to do about our marriage.

Don’t disparage the achievement of a marriage that lasts 25 years and raises 2 nice kids, particularly when you’ve done it while feeling disconnected from your partner. Most people are renewing their vows after eighteen months of matrimony.

It’s natural, when your marriage feels painful, to focus on what doesn’t work and wonder why you tolerated it, which tends to devalue the marriage and your own contribution. What comes natural however isn’t always positive, so focus elsewhere instead.

Remember, as much as everyone wants marital happiness, the bigger goal of any partnership is to help you deal with life better than you could on your own, assuming that life includes making a living, maybe pursuing a career, raising kids, and reacting to all the unpredictable crap, loss, and tragedy that are bound to come along.

A marriage can be so-so when it comes to emotional closeness and still help both partners achieve their goals and bear their burdens. If you base your marriage on passion, then your foundation is feelings, and we all know how that works out.

Decide for yourself what you respect more: a marriage that’s happy, or one that’s functional. Edward VII (if you remember him) was besotted with his wife, but his marriage interfered with his responsibilities, rather than helping him bear them.

Most importantly, you can count on your marriage for a certain amount of strength and security as you deal with the problems of aging and the pleasures and challenges of continuing parenthood. Even if your husband’s only available for a little bit of that support, it’s still worth a lot more than what you’d get from divorce.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve done well with a marriage that has helped me live a good life, even if it hasn’t been a close partnership, and I respect what we’ve both achieved. I’ve learned how to get emotional nourishment from being independent, cultivating friendships, and taking extra time with my husband. It’s possible that I could find something better, particularly if I need to do something with my life that my marriage can’t support; but I need to respect what I’ve built and realize I could also do much worse.”