Through Thick and Thin

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 19, 2010

Will power is a lot like Sarah Palin; for all the credit and attention it gets, it actually rarely accomplishes much of anything. The truth is that eating and the self-hate it causes are a major challenge for most of us, and it never, ever stops. Holding yourself or others responsible will seldom improve your control, your weight, or your relationships. The best way to deal with weight issues is also a lot like how you deal with Sarah Palin: accept that they won’t go away, and don’t let your feelings ruin your appetite.
–Dr. Lastname

I am a divorced 26-year-old (I have been divorced for almost 5 years). My marriage was a toxic abusive relationship. Regardless of that, I feel “happy,” I have realistic career goals, a loving family and boyfriend. Everything adds up, but I feel as though my happiness is a mirage. I’m happy with everything and everyone but myself. I just never add up to what I feel I should be or can be, especially when it comes to the number on my bathroom scale. I feel as though I will never be thin enough. I know it is unnatural to feel this way, being that I’m thin for my height, but I worry I am spinning on the edge most days looking at nutrition labels and focusing on the number of the day. How can I over come this mind game? Why did it bloom so late after my divorce? Is it even from my divorce or was this monster seeded a long time ago?

Most people aren’t happy with the way they look or how much they weigh, and all people spend at least a little time each day being unhappy, but many still manage to live normal, albeit slight chubby/grumpy lives.

As to the source of your insecurities, your guess is as good as mine and the many other scientists, clinicians, and desperate-for-a-topic writers who explain this phenomenon. It could be your ex, or it could reading too much Cosmo.

These experts assume, for the most part, that you wouldn’t be so self-critical if you didn’t listen to magazines, celebrities, or your critical-yet-well-meaning grandmother, and just believed in your self. They tell you that self-esteem will conquer all. Of course, they’re wrong.

There’s lots of evidence that self-hating body thoughts can happen to people with perfectly good self-esteem, nice families, and normal bodies. Instead of obsessing about why you feel this way the same way you obsess over calorie counts, stop and ask yourself, first, whether these thoughts are doing you much harm.

I know they’re causing you pain, but ask yourself whether they’re affecting your health or relationships. Right or wrong, you can think you need to lose a few without hiding major parts of your personalities and or being a bad friend or parent.

If you think your body-hate isn’t doing too much harm, try ignoring it. Certain kinds of psychotherapy may help, but watch out if you find yourself becoming more self-obsessed and blaming yourself for not getting better. The mark of good psychotherapy, like good coaching, is that it gives you ideas and motivation for managing a problem without increasing your expectations of control.

If body-hate is hurting your health or relationships—if you purge, have become anemic, or acquired any number of the dire symptoms that come with an eating disorder—assemble a treatment team, including a primary care physician, a psychiatrist and dietitian, and don’t hesitate to put yourself into an around-the-clock “eat-your-food” camp if it’s necessary. It can save your life.

In any case, don’t pin your hopes and self-esteem on self-control, or self-hating thoughts will just get worse. If you make it your job to keep trying and regard the illness as you would the weather, it can’t touch your sense of who you are.

You need never see yourself as a food nut or anorectic; you’re simply a person with eating issues, which puts you in the same camp as 90% of the population. You might feel like shit, but you are truly not alone.

STATEMENT:
“There’s nothing wrong with my values or approach to life, and I’ve managed to build a good life, except for one problem. I have an obsession about food and weight that sometimes drives me crazy. I don’t know that I can stop it, but I will always do whatever is necessary to keep it from ruining my health and relationships.”

I feel horrible about this, but ever since my husband gained weight, I find myself feeling much less attracted to him. Neither one of us has ever been super-models, but after 10 years of marriage, I’ve managed to keep my weight from getting out of control and he hasn’t. I tell him he should eat less because of his health, and he makes a half-assed effort, but the truth is, I also just hate his body like this. I’d never tell him that though because he’d be heartbroken and I’d feel like such a jerk. I’d never leave him over this (we have a family), but not having sex is putting a strain on our relationship, which makes being together so much harder. How can I want to be with him if he keeps letting himself go?

The fact that we spend billions of dollars improving and preserving our sexual attractiveness should be a clear indicator that we have absolutely no control over it.

Specifically, we don’t control what aging does to our bodies or how we respond to those changes, in ourselves and others. That’s probably one of the best reasons for not making a big deal out of it; the more we try to control it, the more it tortures us when we can’t.

Many think over-eating should be more controllable than aging, but to those people I say, try keeping your weight down while making a living, raising a family, and living in the golden age of Oreo Cakesters.

Even if you achieve your ideal body weight, you know how easily stress, sorrow and even inattention can open the door on your bad old habits. As Bush II discovered, there’s nothing more demoralising than declaring victory when you’ve temporarily got the upper hand on a problem that is never going to go away.

Even if weight control is easy for you, you know that it’s not easy for most people, like your husband, regardless of how much they worry about it. Worrying makes us hungry, as does reading about one more diet that does no better than old diets if you measure progress after a year or two. So, as much as you miss the old sexual attraction and worry about your husband’s health, don’t get obsessed with the “would-have, should have” of weight control. Blaming him isn’t fair, and will make the problem much more personal.

We’ve had lots of laughs at the expense of those idiot Victorians who advised women who didn’t like sex to “lie back and do it for England.” Sadly, it seems like there was great wisdom in that advice, particularly when you care about your partner and you’ve run out of other options.

First, though, don’t let guilt over your own negative sexual response—or anger at his “letting himself go”—prevent you from exploring those other options. Your husband probably wants to lose weight, if for no other reason than to improve his health. With his agreement, explore all the ways you can create “structure”—incentives and habits— in your daily home routine that will encourage exercise and caloric restraint.

Without letting yourself become a calorie Nazi, (which, for most of us, would be a worse sex-killer than growing a lady-beard), see if you can shape your menu, pantry contents, and exercise schedule.

If nothing works, fall back on your marriage vows. The reason you make vows is not because you’re fickle and likely to change your mind about your partner, but because life is hard and will eventually take the things that are fun now and make them difficult. You can try to help him lose weight (and help yourself), but if that doesn’t work, you need to help your marriage.

The test of a good marriage is not whether it’s fun, but whether two people continue to like and respect one another when it’s not. Through sickness and health, slim and flabby.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to have a sexually repulsive husband, particularly after I’ve tried to help him slim down, but the purpose of our partnership was always to create a family and look out for one another, and was never about being young and sexually attractive forever, so I respect myself for putting up with this loss for the sake of a marriage that I value.”