Boundary Crossing

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 24, 2009

Like our clinical definition of “asshole“, “boundary issues” are a reliable source of high-risk pleasure for all participants and a regular, recession-proof employment for yours truly. If you’ve ever had someone become your instant best friend, or dated someone who couldn’t not be friends with his/her exes, then boundaries are low and the risk of heartbreak is high. Learn what boundaries are, where they are, and guard them well.
–Dr. Lastname

Even though I’m married, and even though I don’t think I’m in any danger, I’m pretty sure I’m in the middle of a “Single White Female” situation with a woman I work with. When she joined my department, we became fast friends because I thought we had similar tastes, and she was pretty funny and unbelievably generous (a month after she got hired, it was my birthday, and she organized the whole party, made a bunch of food, etc.). We were really close for a while , and I was flattered when she bought herself a pair of my favorite shoes, decided all my favorite movies were her favorite movies, and became chummy with many of my friends in and outside of the office. But then she started to get mad at me for small, silly things, and her mirroring of me became less flattering and more creepy and suffocating. She’s so not the generous, kind person she used to be with me—she doesn’t treat me kindly most of the time, let alone like a friend—but I’m not leaving my job, so I can’t get away from her. Besides, she’s “taken” most of my friends, so I feel like I’m stuck with her for the rest of my life. My goal is to figure out A), if I’m just being paranoid and/or self-centered, and B), how to gracefully get some distance without her making my life a living hell.

Overly close relationships serve one important purpose; they remind you why it’s good to have personal boundaries.

Like any wall, a personal boundary may sometimes make you lonely by keeping other people out. But without a boundary, you’ll never have the freedom to breathe, make personal choices and assert your own priorities.

You may counter that it’s not healthy to keep people from getting close, but your goal is not to get close to someone. It’s to get close without compromising your own most important priorities and your awareness of them. In other words, it’s to get close while retaining your boundaries. At least that’s the goal for your next friendship, after you get some space from the Needsy twin.

Looking back, you can see red flags warning you that your new friendship was not boundary-friendly. It happened too fast, felt too good, and involved too much fan-worship, mirroring, and absorbing of your taste, style, and social life. And footwear.

You should not have been surprised when Her Neediness began to complain about doing all the giving. You didn’t even know she was working hard—you didn’t ask for that birthday party—but the way she sees it, the piper must be paid.

So if she doesn’t treat you like a friend anymore, it’s not because you’ve failed to be a good friend (although that’s what she truly believes); it’s because you never really had a friendship in the first place, meaning a close relationship that can tolerate boundaries. You had a fan. And now you have an enemy.

At this point, if feelings are your frame of reference, you’re trapped. You’ve got an apparently closer-than-usual friend who can’t stop feeling resentful unless you give up more than you want to give. She can’t stop feeling needy, and you can’t help feeling suffocated and guilty about wanting to withdraw.

It’s good that your goal isn’t to get her to understand that you need more space and to stop being angry with you, because that would probably lead to an intense talk, which might temporarily ease her neediness but also teach her that the best way to get your attention is to make you feel guilty. Your relationship is inherently broke, so you can’t fix it.

Luckily for you, you’ve got a good goal (as long as it doesn’t depend on other people’s feelings), and that is, first of all, to figure out whether you’re being paranoid or self-centered. To do that, consider your own basic standards for being a good friend.

Don’t ask whether someone feels you’ve done enough, or whether you’ve done as much for them as they’ve done for you. Instead, consider how much you’ve invited them to do for you and whether, in your view, you’ve done your share. If not, do it.

Once you’ve met your standards, don’t take responsibility for her bad feelings. Of course, that doesn’t solve them or give you control over the pain they cause. It just means they’re not your fault.

Don’t try to end your pain by being too accommodating, or you’ll regret it. Pain is unavoidable. Suck it up. Don’t provoke or insult, but draw the line where it needs to be drawn and set your friendship boundary at whatever distance you think is right and proper.

And trust that, at some time in the future, she’ll become someone else’s mini-me and will have a whole new best friend/favorite pair of shoes.

STATEMENT:
Write a statement that protects your conscience and shelters you from the risk of appeasement and/or confrontation fatigue. “I value this relationship and appreciate the many good things it has brought me, but it will only work, in the long run, if I participate in my own way and at my own speed. I’ve given careful thought to criticism about my not holding up my end of our friendship, and I don’t agree. I believe my contribution has been positive and genuine. If it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, then the friendship may not be able to continue, but I hope that won’t be the case. Meanwhile, I think it helps to avoid negative discussions and to be as clear as possible about what we expect.”

I’m a never-married woman in my 40s who’s dating a never-married man in his 50s, and like any smart woman, I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. His ex is a little crazy and unstable (and also sick with a chronic disease), and he says he stayed with her because it wasn’t fair to desert her when she got sick, but that eventually he felt the relationship wasn’t healthy. In a lot of ways, that sounds like an ideal reason to be single in your 50s; he’s a caring guy who also has limits. The problem is, I’m not sure if he really does have limits, because she still calls him sometimes when she needs help, and he has a lot of trouble saying no to her. I know she’s sick and really doesn’t have anyone else, but he’s brushed me off a few times to run to her side, and I worry he can’t prioritize. My goal is to get him to set real limits or set me free.

At the risk of being semantic, I have to point out that, unless you’re literally in chains as you read this, no one but you sets you free. A better way to put your goal is that you want to see if he can set real limits before you commit yourself, but that doesn’t sound like something Diana Ross would sing.

It’s also an important distinction because your choice of words suggests that—yes, I hate to accuse you, but it’s necessary––you’re being…emotional. It’s not your fault; it hurts for you, or anyone, to begin to care about someone when you don’t yet know how things will turn out.

It is, however, a better boundary, because it gives you responsibility for the job you’re supposed to do—sizing up his ability to give appropriate priority to your partnership—without pushing yourself to make him do it or making him responsible for your decisions. Alas, good boundaries don’t make good songs.

So your goal isn’t to get him to set limits, or set you free, but to see if he can set limits. Until you’re sure one way or the other, you should keep your options open and be friendly, no matter how spooked you feel.

If he’s overly responsive to his ex’s neediness, it doesn’t mean that he loves you less. It’s more likely that he’s overly reactive to fixing squeaky wheels and you’re not squeaky enough. And you wouldn’t want to be, because, to be a squeaky wheel, you’ve got to be helpless and whine all the time.

So you may feel as if you’re waiting to discover whether he loves you or loves you not, but what you’re really trying to learn is whether he has the strength to say “no” to squeaky wheels and give a priority to a healthy partnership. In other words, whether he has good boundaries.

So don’t be drawn by her 911 calls into a demandingness-derby for his attention. If he is ready for a healthy relationship, her demands will drive him into your arms. If not, then you set him free, knowing you’re doing the right thing.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement that encourages him to set good boundaries without letting loose your own anger or neediness. “It’s not secret that I care about and respect you and I think we could become good partners, given half a chance. And I respect the loyalty and nurturing you give to your old friends. But for us to share a partnership, you need to draw a line on how available you are to other people who need you. I would never want you to hurt or discard old friends or fail to help them if you were the only person who could provide something they need. But if you respond too much when old friends feel needy, as distinct from when you think your response is really necessary, then you won’t have the necessary time and energy for other important priorities, including the life we’d like to build together.”